Dreams and Things

I broke up with my wife two weeks ago. I don't know why I haven't written about this earlier. I guess the turmoil surrounding her exit from my life has befuddled me. I really should have written about this sooner. Anyway, enough self-bashing. I don't quite know why I did it. Today is Tuesday and two weeks ago on Monday I just suddenly decided to tell her that I wanted an end to our marriage. I was sitting on the bed thinking about the pros and cons of our life together. I have known for some time that I don't want to live with her. I guess I never had the nerve to tell her. I know I didn't have the nerve, actually. It's difficult telling someone that you want to break up a relationship. It is something I have never wanted or had to do in my life. I broke with my second wife amicably with both of us understanding that we wanted to go different ways in life. The break-up with my first and third wives was incredibly hateful. The third break-up was so bad I en...

I'm a little drunk as I write this. But sitting in the living room listening music alone I am aching for female companionship, I can't stand it. I barbecued tonight and we ate as usual at the dinner table. Also as usual, she left as I was cleaning up to go into the bedroom to read her emal and then off to bed to watch TV. And so here I am enjoying the music but alone. I just can't stand it. I wish to heaven's sake I had someone to share this with. We have a beautiful living room with an excellent stereo and I am alone in it. Why oh why can't I have the company I want? Why can't I have someone who doesn't rush off after dinner but lingers a little bit to engage in albeit trivial table talk? Why do I find myself alone again as so often? I am tempted to post ads on Matchup.com and other dating sites to look for a companion. She doesn't even need to be a sexual partner or even want a relationship other friendship. I feel this so strongly. I wonder if I...

I'm working with my old friends from high school trying to build a transport for a variety of animals. There a lot of logistics involved and we're measuring carefully as we design the beds in which they will be moved and ultimately sleep. The spaces increase in size to meet the requirements of the animals. The larger below for horses and slowly increasing in size to make room for animals like rabbits and squirrels. A lot of work is going into building the frame and to ensure that its cushions for the smaller animals above are correctly designed, I am at the family house of my third snf former wife who was from Sweden, The house has many rooms and my friends and are flabergasted that the frame we so carefully designed does not fit in the space for which it was designed. We fumble for solutions until I suggest that we remove the cushions for the horses below and lower the frame to that height because horses sleep standing up, anyway. We think of other ideas,too, and eventually ...

I am among the students at the University of California at Berkeley. It is nighttime and we are grouped to prepare a concert, The concert is to take place on two adjacent hills, We are are on a freshly cut lawn in front of the two hills. The are area lights around us the illuminate the table and gentle spot lights upon the hills. The table are hot tables. In other words, tables designed to keep food warm by the use of hot water under whic pans of food are kept, The food will be served cafeteria style. This all in preparation for a concert. The concert begins and is mostly for young men. The bands play rock and roll of the type popular for that particular audience. The students gobble up the food which consists of mostly meat dishes—roast beef, chicken and pork served up in various sauces, The roast beef is cut straight off the bone. Not a lot of vegetable dishes are served. Green bean casserle is there and more less chosen for by some. The concert is success, I am every pleased wit...

I'm bored. I spent a lot of time working on my art in the studio. In fact, I went in at around two PM and by the time I checked the time I was surprised to see that it was seven. I hurried into the kitchen to clean it up and prepare the coffee for tomorrow. I returned to the the studio afterward. I'm working on two projects at once. One is a piece of styrofoam which I have painted black. I made several, quite a few actually, indentations in it using duck cement which dissolves styrofoam. I've painted the interior of the holes with gold paint. It's impressive in my opinion. I'm going to call it "Crude Oil." The idea is that the black surface represents crude oil and the holes within it the gold how oil controls our society. My original conception had been to glue toy soldered to it, one army facing the other. The soldiers would have represented the wars that fight over and because of oil. But looking at it now I think I am going to forego the toy sold...

It's been a while it seems since I wrote in my diary. It's Sunday and I was supposed to go to the North Beach festival with my brother. But he over-slept and calling me at around two apologized and said he would only go to the fair if I wanted to. I told him I was babysitting my wife emotionally and could not go out. That was fine with him. There will be other fairs in the city. I went over to see my wife who is, once again, staying with her mother. Whenever there's a problem she just takes off. I don't even remember what this was all about. I think it was the standard theme of ,"You don't take care of me like I do you." She has had problems with her equilibrium and I guess I wasn't attentive enough or forgot something or whiter-the-fuck-it-was and so off she went. No, wait a minute. She had asked me earlier if I could help her with her shower. I must have forgotten this when she called me the first time. When she asked me, some days ago it now s...

I went with my wife and her mother to shop at Serramonte today. My wife was not insistent on me going but something in the tone of her voice made me feel as if it would please her if I went along. I really did not want to come along. But I acquiesced as usual and dressed up for the day's activities. It's a good thing for her 87 year old mother to get out of her apartment from time to time. She's boxed up in there without any social life to speak of. When she get our, she uses a motorized wheelchair called a "Go-Go" to get around when we are out. So my wife and I assembled it in the parking lot at Serramonte and away we went. My wife likes to shop at XXI. I hate hanging around while she rifles trough racks upon racks of clothes. So we decided to part ways and touch base by telephone when we were ready to all come together. Her mother had already whirled away in her Go-Go. I wandered up and down the rows upon rows of stores and little shops. I came upon a je...