I broke up with my wife two weeks ago.
I don't know why I haven't written about this earlier. I guess the turmoil surrounding her exit from my life has befuddled me. I really should have written about this sooner. Anyway, enough self-bashing.
I don't quite know why I did it. Today is Tuesday and two weeks ago on Monday I just suddenly decided to tell her that I wanted an end to our marriage. I was sitting on the bed thinking about the pros and cons of our life together. I have known for some time that I don't want to live with her.
I guess I never had the nerve to tell her. I know I didn't have the nerve, actually. It's difficult telling someone that you want to break up a relationship. It is something I have never wanted or had to do in my life. I broke with my second wife amicably with both of us understanding that we wanted to go different ways in life. The break-up with my first and third wives was incredibly hateful. The third break-up was so bad I ended up getting arrested and spending thousands of dollars to be rid of her. But I think I have spoken about that elsewhere in the diary.
No time is a good time to tell someone you want to break up with them. It is by nature a bad experience for both people. I knew, however, that were bad times to have told her. Like when she was in one of her evil moods (about which I have written so much earlier). I knew it would hurt her feelings terribly. So when we were peacefully doing different things in the bedroom I decided that because she was so mellow that it would be best to tell her then.
I knew it would hurt her feelings terribly. She was flabbergasted. I don't think she fully understood what I was saying at first. Then she asked me in amazement, "Are you breaking up with me?" I had to summon all of my resolution and without pity reply, "Yes."
I can't remember clearly now what transpired after that moment. There was no anger or rage or accusations or anything terrible. I think she asked me, "Why?" to which responded, "Because I can't live with you anymore." There must of been something in the tone of my voice that sent the message loud and clear. We did not argue. I think she said that she had better spend the night at her mother's apartment. I think I agreed because that's where stayed for the night.
I think it was the following night that I helped her bring some clothes and boxes over to her mother's apartment, now hers also. As I was leaving she stood by the door with a heartbreaking look on her face. I desperately wanted to hug her and tell her it was alright and that she could come back. But I turned and left, instead. I think that was truly the point where she understood I was serious about the break-up.
I got a call from her mother. She wanted to know why we were breaking up. We were such a perfect couple. Her mother always liked me and said that of all of my wife's previous men that I was the one she liked best. I believe she was sincere. I told her honestly that I could no longer live with my wife's violent outbursts and hateful behavior. There was silence at the other end for a few minutes. I think she said something along the lines that she was disappointed and hoped we could work things out. We haven't.
After a day or two she called and we made arrangements for her to get her stuff. And the slow but steady procession of her moving out has been happening ever since. I think the bedroom will be done by tomorrow or the day afterwards. She still has to get her shoes—I packed up her desk and other junk lying around today.
We've gotten along well during this transition. She has posted a lot on facebook but received few replies. People generally do not want to get involved in a break-up, privately or publicly (like on facebook). I know she has the support of her daughter and mother to lean on. I know that she has at least one friend who has, "taken her side." She received some guarded remarks to her first facebook post but I think it has been silent since then, so far as I know.
As for me, I have been spending a lot of time in Alameda with my brother and his family. I'm getting along on my own, otherwise. I am terribly lonely and at times when I awake I reach over to touch her. Or my third wife. For heaven's sake, I now have the loss of two wives still bright in my memory.
I did my laundry today for the first time in about forty years. I haven't been cooking a lot; my newly ex-wife kindly showed me how to defrost and cook a chicken tender. I ate that for dinner last night along with some rice. I have about a week's worth of frozen food remaining before I will need to buy more or scour the cupboards for food I can eat. I don't get my government pay until tomorrow but I need to wait until after the first of the month before I buy groceries.
I miss her. But I cannot live with her. It's over and it has to stay that way. It's getting easier as time goes by. So far there have been no vindictive exchanges, well... a few, I guess, from her side. But she has quickly clammed up because she realizes that they are pointless. I am not in her world anymore and therefore not a target for her hate. The very hate that broke my heart and led me to kick her out.
That's all I have to say for now.
I don't know why I haven't written about this earlier. I guess the turmoil surrounding her exit from my life has befuddled me. I really should have written about this sooner. Anyway, enough self-bashing.
I don't quite know why I did it. Today is Tuesday and two weeks ago on Monday I just suddenly decided to tell her that I wanted an end to our marriage. I was sitting on the bed thinking about the pros and cons of our life together. I have known for some time that I don't want to live with her.
I guess I never had the nerve to tell her. I know I didn't have the nerve, actually. It's difficult telling someone that you want to break up a relationship. It is something I have never wanted or had to do in my life. I broke with my second wife amicably with both of us understanding that we wanted to go different ways in life. The break-up with my first and third wives was incredibly hateful. The third break-up was so bad I ended up getting arrested and spending thousands of dollars to be rid of her. But I think I have spoken about that elsewhere in the diary.
No time is a good time to tell someone you want to break up with them. It is by nature a bad experience for both people. I knew, however, that were bad times to have told her. Like when she was in one of her evil moods (about which I have written so much earlier). I knew it would hurt her feelings terribly. So when we were peacefully doing different things in the bedroom I decided that because she was so mellow that it would be best to tell her then.
I knew it would hurt her feelings terribly. She was flabbergasted. I don't think she fully understood what I was saying at first. Then she asked me in amazement, "Are you breaking up with me?" I had to summon all of my resolution and without pity reply, "Yes."
I can't remember clearly now what transpired after that moment. There was no anger or rage or accusations or anything terrible. I think she asked me, "Why?" to which responded, "Because I can't live with you anymore." There must of been something in the tone of my voice that sent the message loud and clear. We did not argue. I think she said that she had better spend the night at her mother's apartment. I think I agreed because that's where stayed for the night.
I think it was the following night that I helped her bring some clothes and boxes over to her mother's apartment, now hers also. As I was leaving she stood by the door with a heartbreaking look on her face. I desperately wanted to hug her and tell her it was alright and that she could come back. But I turned and left, instead. I think that was truly the point where she understood I was serious about the break-up.
I got a call from her mother. She wanted to know why we were breaking up. We were such a perfect couple. Her mother always liked me and said that of all of my wife's previous men that I was the one she liked best. I believe she was sincere. I told her honestly that I could no longer live with my wife's violent outbursts and hateful behavior. There was silence at the other end for a few minutes. I think she said something along the lines that she was disappointed and hoped we could work things out. We haven't.
After a day or two she called and we made arrangements for her to get her stuff. And the slow but steady procession of her moving out has been happening ever since. I think the bedroom will be done by tomorrow or the day afterwards. She still has to get her shoes—I packed up her desk and other junk lying around today.
We've gotten along well during this transition. She has posted a lot on facebook but received few replies. People generally do not want to get involved in a break-up, privately or publicly (like on facebook). I know she has the support of her daughter and mother to lean on. I know that she has at least one friend who has, "taken her side." She received some guarded remarks to her first facebook post but I think it has been silent since then, so far as I know.
As for me, I have been spending a lot of time in Alameda with my brother and his family. I'm getting along on my own, otherwise. I am terribly lonely and at times when I awake I reach over to touch her. Or my third wife. For heaven's sake, I now have the loss of two wives still bright in my memory.
I did my laundry today for the first time in about forty years. I haven't been cooking a lot; my newly ex-wife kindly showed me how to defrost and cook a chicken tender. I ate that for dinner last night along with some rice. I have about a week's worth of frozen food remaining before I will need to buy more or scour the cupboards for food I can eat. I don't get my government pay until tomorrow but I need to wait until after the first of the month before I buy groceries.
I miss her. But I cannot live with her. It's over and it has to stay that way. It's getting easier as time goes by. So far there have been no vindictive exchanges, well... a few, I guess, from her side. But she has quickly clammed up because she realizes that they are pointless. I am not in her world anymore and therefore not a target for her hate. The very hate that broke my heart and led me to kick her out.
That's all I have to say for now.
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