I'm a little drunk as I write this. But sitting in the living room listening music alone I am aching for female companionship,
I can't stand it. I barbecued tonight and we ate as usual at the dinner table. Also as usual, she left as I was cleaning up to go into the bedroom to read her emal and then off to bed to watch TV. And so here I am enjoying the music but alone.
I just can't stand it. I wish to heaven's sake I had someone to share this with. We have a beautiful living room with an excellent stereo and I am alone in it. Why oh why can't I have the company I want? Why can't I have someone who doesn't rush off after dinner but lingers a little bit to engage in albeit trivial table talk? Why do I find myself alone again as so often?
I am tempted to post ads on Matchup.com and other dating sites to look for a companion. She doesn't even need to be a sexual partner or even want a relationship other friendship. I feel this so strongly. I wonder if I will follow through with it tomorrow (it's late now).
I have passed the point where I hate my wife I think I have reached a plateau where I simply see her as a burden. An albatross around my neck. But what am I going to do?
Two of my past relationships ended acrimoniously. I never got closure for them. The first was my first marriage in my twenties and I can hardly remember it. The third lasted fifteen years and it really hurt me when it ended.
The second was with an utterly beautiful woman. I was with her for ten years. I got the bug to move to Sweden and tried desperately ro convince her to accompany me. But she had a business that was taking off and simply couldn't leave it. We parted as friends. She came to Sweden to try and win me back. She loved me dearly and probably more than any of the others.
My fourth was a six month affair with a woman with whom I had almost nothing in common with. I loved her in a way but I made it clear at the outset that I was moving to Sweden. (This was in the interim during which my second wife and I sold our house.) She cried at the airport she she dropped me off with my one-way ticket. She also came to Sweden to win me back but by then I was in love Sweden.
I am now in my fifth relationship. I have always been monogamous, not even dating, and thus the few relationships in my life. I am true to this one as I have always been. But if there ever was one I felt cheating on it's this one. I just stand her sometimes. Most of the time really.
My past relationships ended on either acrimonious terms or by mutual understanding. I am now in the uncomfortable position of figuring out how to end this one on my own. I've never ended a relationship directly. I've never said, "I don't want to see you anymore" or "You have to leave." I lack the skills and probably the nerve. At some point it has to end. I need to pick that point. I have to muster the courage and tell her that she has to go.
This is going to break her heart. I hate that thought. I don't like causing pain in others. And this will be deliberate. But I have to ask myself, "Is this woman I want to spend what's left of my life with?" The answer seems to come up as, "No" too often.
I don't like being in the same room with her. Fortunately we have different sleep cycles. She goes to sleep early and wakes up early while I stay up late and wake up late. This minimizes the amount the contact I have with her. What a horrible thing to live with, to want to live with. That this should even form the basis of my relationship with her is dismaying.
Enough. I need to mellow out and listen to music.
I can't stand it. I barbecued tonight and we ate as usual at the dinner table. Also as usual, she left as I was cleaning up to go into the bedroom to read her emal and then off to bed to watch TV. And so here I am enjoying the music but alone.
I just can't stand it. I wish to heaven's sake I had someone to share this with. We have a beautiful living room with an excellent stereo and I am alone in it. Why oh why can't I have the company I want? Why can't I have someone who doesn't rush off after dinner but lingers a little bit to engage in albeit trivial table talk? Why do I find myself alone again as so often?
I am tempted to post ads on Matchup.com and other dating sites to look for a companion. She doesn't even need to be a sexual partner or even want a relationship other friendship. I feel this so strongly. I wonder if I will follow through with it tomorrow (it's late now).
I have passed the point where I hate my wife I think I have reached a plateau where I simply see her as a burden. An albatross around my neck. But what am I going to do?
Two of my past relationships ended acrimoniously. I never got closure for them. The first was my first marriage in my twenties and I can hardly remember it. The third lasted fifteen years and it really hurt me when it ended.
The second was with an utterly beautiful woman. I was with her for ten years. I got the bug to move to Sweden and tried desperately ro convince her to accompany me. But she had a business that was taking off and simply couldn't leave it. We parted as friends. She came to Sweden to try and win me back. She loved me dearly and probably more than any of the others.
My fourth was a six month affair with a woman with whom I had almost nothing in common with. I loved her in a way but I made it clear at the outset that I was moving to Sweden. (This was in the interim during which my second wife and I sold our house.) She cried at the airport she she dropped me off with my one-way ticket. She also came to Sweden to win me back but by then I was in love Sweden.
I am now in my fifth relationship. I have always been monogamous, not even dating, and thus the few relationships in my life. I am true to this one as I have always been. But if there ever was one I felt cheating on it's this one. I just stand her sometimes. Most of the time really.
My past relationships ended on either acrimonious terms or by mutual understanding. I am now in the uncomfortable position of figuring out how to end this one on my own. I've never ended a relationship directly. I've never said, "I don't want to see you anymore" or "You have to leave." I lack the skills and probably the nerve. At some point it has to end. I need to pick that point. I have to muster the courage and tell her that she has to go.
This is going to break her heart. I hate that thought. I don't like causing pain in others. And this will be deliberate. But I have to ask myself, "Is this woman I want to spend what's left of my life with?" The answer seems to come up as, "No" too often.
I don't like being in the same room with her. Fortunately we have different sleep cycles. She goes to sleep early and wakes up early while I stay up late and wake up late. This minimizes the amount the contact I have with her. What a horrible thing to live with, to want to live with. That this should even form the basis of my relationship with her is dismaying.
Enough. I need to mellow out and listen to music.
You should of told her how you felt long before you reached this point.
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