Dreams and Things

Thursday, September 29, 2011 1:16 PM I left her this morning with hugs and kisses to which she responded lovingly back. All seemed good in the world. I had errands to run and she blew me a kiss as I was walking out the door. I left with a good feeling in my heart. It's true I have been see-sawing this past week about whether or not I wanted to pursue and repair this relationship or go it alone. This morning I was seeing instead of sawing and all was looking up. Sadly things changed while I was away. I returned with the bottle of paint I went to the Castro to buy and two heavy bags of groceries I schlepped from Safeway to the street car to Gough and all the way up Gough to our apartment. She put them away while I changed into my house clothes. She returned to the bedroom after a few perfunctory trivial remarks. I figured she was tired and depressed again and let things ride. She got up and went to get the mail for our apartment and for her from her mother's apartment...

It's Wednesday and it's been a week since that horrible blow-up. I should be working on my art but it's so blasted hot I've decided to blog, instead. I met with my therapist this morning. We talked a little about eating and medication (as usual). She mentioned that I am getting very thin. I am. I went to the Castro later that afternoon to buy new pants and belts. I'm a size 32 now. I don't know my weight but it must be around 165. I have basically met my weight loss and physique goals. I need to eat more or I will become too thin and probably too weak to do gym. I had a tough time making it through my workout today at 5:00. I think it might be weakness due to the cold I recently recovered from. That's what Tess said. She didn't say anything about my physique today at gym but plans to measure me on Sunday. I think she meant either this Friday or next Monday. We're changing our schedule (again). I'm curious to see what my measurements and weight ...

I've changed my settings on this blog to make it private. I should have thought of this earlier before I began using it as my personal diary. Now it seems that she has located it and read my posts and come to the post in which I laid out my plans for leaving her in six months. What a hassle and invasion of my privacy. But I guess it's my fault for not having made this private in the first place. Actually, I'm not completely sure she did read this blog. She may have been bluffing. Lately she has been lying in bed all day moping and feeling sorry for herself. I've mentioned to her that I plan to pay off her $18,000 in credit debt when my tax refund arrives in (hopefully) March. She may have put one and one together and concluded that this is when our relationship will end. I doubt that she read the blog now that I think of it. Otherwise I am sure she would have read other entries that are, to say the least, less flattering about her and our relationship. She didn'...

I started going to Gym in February of 2011. At the time I was, in my mind, grossly overweight due to medication I had taken shortly before. 189 pounds did not look all that great on a six foot frame. I felt terrible about the way I looked and terrible about myself. I decided to do something about it. I went on a diet to begin with and lost a fair amount of weight that way. But my physique was still decrepit and it became clear to me that dieting alone was not going to solve my problem. This is said of people in their fifties but I had not heard that then. I had recently moved to Hayes Valley. I noticed a local gym while meandering around the neighborhood to familiarize myself with it. I passed by it several times but never dreamed of going in. It was almost on a lark that I just went in one day and asked about a membership. The person who helped me at the desk was friendly and unassuming. I found out that the membership cost was $59 a month which seemed reasonable to me. He sugge...

I need to figure out a sensible, safe and manageable way to end my relationship. It's not been easy along the way. We met with our psychiatrist last Friday. We don't meet with him as a couple. We meet in back-to-back sessions which makes it convenient to schedule appointments. He understands what each of us is up to in relation to one another so it's almost like couples' counseling. I told him about the horrible Wednesday I had with her and expressed my concern that not only did the new medication she tried fail miserably but also how being on no medication at all was detrimental to our relationship. He was thoughtful and while not offering up details of his session with her nevertheless intimated that he was taking steps to address the issue. He understood my concern and encouraged me to have patience. Our psychiatrist gave her some low-dosage Lexapro which is what she had been taking before all the madness ensued by trying new medication. He also advised her to st...

Where are you? Who are you? Here's me. Let's do this in three parts, OK? We'll start with some some physical stuff. Then I will talk about my likes and dislikes. Finally, I'll tell you about my personality. We'll just kind of segue smoothly between the parts... I am 56 years old. I am six feet tall. I am white and my hair is a sort of medium brown with some gray in it. I work out three times a week so I am slim. I weigh 165 pounds. I am told that I am handsome. I feel good about myself. I would like you to be between the ages of 45 and 55. You are slender and between 5 and 5-1/2 feet tall. You feel good about yourself and the way you look. I have a tattoo on my upper left arm. I got it relatively late in my life. I found the design for it on the web. I also have four gold earrings in my right ear that I have worn continuously since 1982. Some might think it frivolous for me to sport body art. I don't care. I like it. What's you...

Dreams. Right now I am stuck in an unhealthy and unbearable relationship. It has been full of deception, self-pity, manipulation, and pain. Read my last several posts to get an idea of what it is. I've always been given to daydreaming. When under stress I lose myself in a world of dreams from which the real world so full of sorrows is absent. This makes me distant and unresponsive which can be very frustrating for those around me. Lately I've tried to avoid this tendency with my therapist, anyway. But is difficult to avoid in my current relationship. I set myself apart and when not blogging about my feelings I sit quietly, listening to music and daydreaming. I was very much in love with my last and third wife. Fifteen years of complete harmony ended in a ferociously acrimonious divorce that left me reeling in despair. In many ways I have always carried a torch for her. Now, as the bitter memories of that separation slowly glide into oblivion, in its wake are only the good...

It's 3:30 and I am still blogging. I just left her in bed. She senses a change in me that I am unable to hide. Perhaps I don't want to hide it. I don't know. She pokes at me and tries to pry out my the meaning of my attitude towards her. I tell her I need my space right now. She complains that she has nowhere to go. That she could go to her mother's apartment. I tell her that I only need the space immediately around me, not the entire apartment. I am again sucked into her unreal world of black and white, me verses you and on and on and on. I tell her that I want her to put aside all distressing thoughts about what happened the other night, about the state of our relationship and so forth. I tell her that she should stay in bed and get well. I tell her that I plan to keep blogging and afterwards sit in the living room listening to music on my $2000 stereo. I tell her to relax and that we can revisit relationship issues later. She responds that she is well now and onl...