It's Wednesday and it's been a week since that horrible blow-up. I should be working on my art but it's so blasted hot I've decided to blog, instead.
I met with my therapist this morning. We talked a little about eating and medication (as usual). She mentioned that I am getting very thin. I am. I went to the Castro later that afternoon to buy new pants and belts. I'm a size 32 now. I don't know my weight but it must be around 165. I have basically met my weight loss and physique goals. I need to eat more or I will become too thin and probably too weak to do gym. I had a tough time making it through my workout today at 5:00. I think it might be weakness due to the cold I recently recovered from. That's what Tess said. She didn't say anything about my physique today at gym but plans to measure me on Sunday. I think she meant either this Friday or next Monday. We're changing our schedule (again). I'm curious to see what my measurements and weight are.
I mentioned to my therapist that I was at a loss on how to set up a social network of friends but planned to start research on the Internet. She suggested meetup.com. I've just gone to that website and signed up. I'm expecting a confirmation email within the hour. It looks like a good place to start. I'm just looking for a group of people with whom I can hang out. I want friends. I need friends. I am too socially isolated. I've been a hermit for too long (five years) and feel the need to break out of that mold. I'll bet she won't approve. She'll probably feel threatened by it. Her poisonous inability to socialize rubbed off on me during my years of infirmity. But now that I am feeling more secure about myself I think I can get out again.
I think I posted this earlier. A social network will provide the support and camaraderie that I have so missed these past few months. At least I have missed it since my therapist suggested it, anyway. I hope it will supply me the support group I'll need when I end my current relationship. I hope that it will also provide me with a body of character references if she decides to accuse me of domestic violence. This is probably too much to hope for but it belongs on the map nevertheless.
My session inevitably drifted into my troubles with her. I told my therapist that I took her advice and attempted to sit down and rationally discuss our relationship. Or at least that's how I remember the session. I mentioned that I would like the relationship to change and grow. She chimed in with words of encouragement. This topic dominated the remainder of our session. We talked of ways I could establish a dialogue to probe into the crisis that our relationship is in (my words). Anyway, there we sat calmly and rationally discussing relationship issues and how an open and healthy exchange can improve them.
How utterly removed from the reality of what is actually possible with her. I have tried this approach only to be met with sniffles and dismay. That I might actually mean to improve things between us is as far from her mind as the planet Neptune. It's all a threat to her. She wants approval from me for her and an acknowledgement from me of my less than satisfactory support during her crisis last week. I refuse to give this her. I ask after her. I ask how she is doing. Can I get anything for her. I give her a hug and a kiss. This seems to be all she can accept while she continues to sequester herself in her bed 24/7. God what a hassle.
(Damn it's hot. I am sitting at my computer next to the open balcony and am still uncomfortably warm at 8:47 in the evening. I just took off my sweat pants and feel a little cooler).
I mentioned to my therapist that while we sit and talk reasonably about approaching my relationship issues and the verbal tools I can bring to repairing it that this all falls on deaf ears with her. I didn't put it so many words but I told my therapist about this. I said that although she and I can talk logically and reasonably about the subject such an approach with her simply doesn't work. There was nothing my therapist could offer. I think I left her in a quandary. What can I do? I asked her. Of course she couldn't answer and instead started putting questions to me about what I thought. This is usually a sign from her that she cannot get too involved or is at a loss for words.
I got a call from her mother tonight telling me that she had cooked dinner for us and asking me to pick it up at 7:00. I almost forgot but collected myself to get out of the apartment and over to hers to pick it up. She quizzed me about her and said that she has said that I am planning to leave her in March. I tried to conceal my hostility at this question and of course my hidden agenda. Her mom asked if I was giving her attention, if I was loving her, giving her kisses and hugs. I replied all this is true and it is. I told her mom that I continually check in on her daughter, asking if there is anything I can do for her and, at times, talking about problems we have. I told her mom that I give her kisses and hugs and attention. She does respond to the latter, I must admit.
Her mom confronted me with these things as if she thought I was failing to provide support for her daughter. I found this offensive but bit back on my tongue. I know from what she has intimated about conversations with her daughter that her daughter has told her that it's OK to hurl invective during a crisis because she did the same during labor. I don't know what happened during this final phase of pregnancy but I am skeptical that the intensity and cruelty of her invective was aimed with personal intent to hurt at her mother and/or others present at the time. I think she is presenting her one-sided story to her daughter and mother.
Her mom told me that she was worried about me taking my medication without the corresponding meal to enable my medication to work. That's why, in part, her mom has been making dinner for us. I assured that I am capable of looking after myself but quickly added that we were grateful for the dinners she makes for us. I find her comment so dramatic. I care so much about Jesse that I need to take care of him, even though he doesn't take care of me. Just another mind game I have to deal with. All this communication behind my back to strengthen her case and contrast how she cares for me even though she is weak and indisposed and I don't care for her enough.
So I get the impression, maybe paranoid, that these three women are lining up against me. Damn it's frustrating and unfair. I was about to leave her mother's apartment when I decided to sit down instead and talk further about her daughter. I was a bit intense. I related what's been going on in our apartment. I told her about her daughter's refusal to get out of bed. I told her that her daughter's screwy idea about leaving her was due to my promise to pay off her debt of $18,000 in March when I get my tax refund. Her mother was shocked to hear how much debt she had rung up. I said I made this offer out of love (true albeit with a suspicion that the relationship will end at that time). I said I could easily say, "What the fuck, the way I feel about it is to leave her in debt. After all, look at the gratitude I'm getting." I mentioned that I am getting no thanks for this largess and that I found that infuriating.
I told her mother that my theory was that the Lexapro had not yet taken effect. I mentioned that she thinks she is bipolar but I disagree. She has a "me, too" tendency (I didn't say this to her mother) that I have always found infuriating. I don't think she has bipolar unless it's a type three bipolar which is characterized by more depression than mania.I mentioned that it was after she had gone off all drugs to help her that she began having mood swings. We agreed that she should talk to our psychiatrist about taking a mood stabilizer to address her supposed bipolar disorder. But when she mentioned her suspicion that she has bipolar to him she also expressed a refusal to take a new drug because she was afraid of doing so in light of the problems she had with the previous new medication.
I mentioned to her mother that I suspected that part of her daughter's problem was withdrawal from codeine. She has refrained from taking it throughout her current, what? Infirmity? Her mother looked perplexed. It occurs to me now that she hadn't known about her daughter's addiction. A dependence I find disgusting. How did she ever get into this position? Why hasn't she kicked the habit earlier? I know she tried to gradually to cut down but, "Apartment pressures" prevented her from continuing her withdrawal. A junkie always has an excuse.
Damn this is all so frustrating. I suggested taking Lamictal, which is a mood stabilizer, but she refused. That's what I take to keep me on an even keel, more or less handling my bipolar depressions. So much for her supposed bipolar disorder.The doctor finally re-prescribed Lexapro and now she is slowly building it up in her system. Anyway, I mentioned this to her mother. I told her mother that if she was indeed bipolar she could never have taken Lexapro because it is anathema to bipolars. Lexapro is for people who are depressive/reactive. Anyway it's all moot because she refused to take Lamictal, probably because she knew she was bullshitting about being bipolar in the first place.
I also added during the discussion that one thing everyone seems to conveniently forget is that I am on the front line with this. I see her every day and have to deal with her every day. Hypothetical musings are insulting to me (I didn't say that to her mother, however). I think her mom got the message and ultimately sympathized with me. I thanked her for the dinner she had made for us and left.
Once home it was back to the usual drama. I offered to make her a plate of food but she refused it with a sigh, saying that she wasn't hungry. I said OK and helped myself. I sat down to eat her mother's delicious pork chops. I don't give a fuck quite frankly. If she wants to play this mind game with me I refuse to participate. I told her that I can warm up dinner in the microwave later if she gets hungry. She replied with a dramatic sigh and said, "OK." I find this incredibly annoying. I wonder how long all this shit is going to last. I'm at my wits end to find a way to snap her out of her funk. All she does is lie in bed and sleeps between briefly watching TV. She has been lying in bed all day in hot pajamas during one of the hottest days in weeks. The bedroom was like an oven. I said I couldn't believe that she could bear it. With another flair of drama she replied, "It's OK. I don't feel the heat." This has got to be bullshit.
What am I going to do? I'm torn in two. One side of me wants to pursue my plan to be rid of her after March of next year. That has a lot of power over me. As every day goes by with her moping in bed feeling sorry for herself it's another nail in the coffin in which our relationship finds itself. On the other hand, I want to rebuild our relationship and bring it into a more equal partnership in which caring and loving is the responsibility of both parties. One in which neither takes a submissive or a dominant role. One that builds from shared experience but acknowledges that the relationship has changed and can blossom into something new and better. There is a side of me that doesn't want to simply cast off five years of living together and loving one another.
In the meantime I am fated to living this lonely life without any kind of relationship whatsoever unless I count the horrible bed-ridden and dramatic bullshit. What does a bachelor's life look like? I guess I am finding out. It's not so bad, really. I set my own agenda and pursue my own interests. I am lonely but perhaps meetup.com will address that condition. Then I will not need or want her.
I (1) was hurt, (2) I not willing to admit I was at fault, and (3) I'm not going to apologize. That's the bottom line.
I met with my therapist this morning. We talked a little about eating and medication (as usual). She mentioned that I am getting very thin. I am. I went to the Castro later that afternoon to buy new pants and belts. I'm a size 32 now. I don't know my weight but it must be around 165. I have basically met my weight loss and physique goals. I need to eat more or I will become too thin and probably too weak to do gym. I had a tough time making it through my workout today at 5:00. I think it might be weakness due to the cold I recently recovered from. That's what Tess said. She didn't say anything about my physique today at gym but plans to measure me on Sunday. I think she meant either this Friday or next Monday. We're changing our schedule (again). I'm curious to see what my measurements and weight are.
I mentioned to my therapist that I was at a loss on how to set up a social network of friends but planned to start research on the Internet. She suggested meetup.com. I've just gone to that website and signed up. I'm expecting a confirmation email within the hour. It looks like a good place to start. I'm just looking for a group of people with whom I can hang out. I want friends. I need friends. I am too socially isolated. I've been a hermit for too long (five years) and feel the need to break out of that mold. I'll bet she won't approve. She'll probably feel threatened by it. Her poisonous inability to socialize rubbed off on me during my years of infirmity. But now that I am feeling more secure about myself I think I can get out again.
I think I posted this earlier. A social network will provide the support and camaraderie that I have so missed these past few months. At least I have missed it since my therapist suggested it, anyway. I hope it will supply me the support group I'll need when I end my current relationship. I hope that it will also provide me with a body of character references if she decides to accuse me of domestic violence. This is probably too much to hope for but it belongs on the map nevertheless.
My session inevitably drifted into my troubles with her. I told my therapist that I took her advice and attempted to sit down and rationally discuss our relationship. Or at least that's how I remember the session. I mentioned that I would like the relationship to change and grow. She chimed in with words of encouragement. This topic dominated the remainder of our session. We talked of ways I could establish a dialogue to probe into the crisis that our relationship is in (my words). Anyway, there we sat calmly and rationally discussing relationship issues and how an open and healthy exchange can improve them.
How utterly removed from the reality of what is actually possible with her. I have tried this approach only to be met with sniffles and dismay. That I might actually mean to improve things between us is as far from her mind as the planet Neptune. It's all a threat to her. She wants approval from me for her and an acknowledgement from me of my less than satisfactory support during her crisis last week. I refuse to give this her. I ask after her. I ask how she is doing. Can I get anything for her. I give her a hug and a kiss. This seems to be all she can accept while she continues to sequester herself in her bed 24/7. God what a hassle.
(Damn it's hot. I am sitting at my computer next to the open balcony and am still uncomfortably warm at 8:47 in the evening. I just took off my sweat pants and feel a little cooler).
I mentioned to my therapist that while we sit and talk reasonably about approaching my relationship issues and the verbal tools I can bring to repairing it that this all falls on deaf ears with her. I didn't put it so many words but I told my therapist about this. I said that although she and I can talk logically and reasonably about the subject such an approach with her simply doesn't work. There was nothing my therapist could offer. I think I left her in a quandary. What can I do? I asked her. Of course she couldn't answer and instead started putting questions to me about what I thought. This is usually a sign from her that she cannot get too involved or is at a loss for words.
I got a call from her mother tonight telling me that she had cooked dinner for us and asking me to pick it up at 7:00. I almost forgot but collected myself to get out of the apartment and over to hers to pick it up. She quizzed me about her and said that she has said that I am planning to leave her in March. I tried to conceal my hostility at this question and of course my hidden agenda. Her mom asked if I was giving her attention, if I was loving her, giving her kisses and hugs. I replied all this is true and it is. I told her mom that I continually check in on her daughter, asking if there is anything I can do for her and, at times, talking about problems we have. I told her mom that I give her kisses and hugs and attention. She does respond to the latter, I must admit.
Her mom confronted me with these things as if she thought I was failing to provide support for her daughter. I found this offensive but bit back on my tongue. I know from what she has intimated about conversations with her daughter that her daughter has told her that it's OK to hurl invective during a crisis because she did the same during labor. I don't know what happened during this final phase of pregnancy but I am skeptical that the intensity and cruelty of her invective was aimed with personal intent to hurt at her mother and/or others present at the time. I think she is presenting her one-sided story to her daughter and mother.
Her mom told me that she was worried about me taking my medication without the corresponding meal to enable my medication to work. That's why, in part, her mom has been making dinner for us. I assured that I am capable of looking after myself but quickly added that we were grateful for the dinners she makes for us. I find her comment so dramatic. I care so much about Jesse that I need to take care of him, even though he doesn't take care of me. Just another mind game I have to deal with. All this communication behind my back to strengthen her case and contrast how she cares for me even though she is weak and indisposed and I don't care for her enough.
So I get the impression, maybe paranoid, that these three women are lining up against me. Damn it's frustrating and unfair. I was about to leave her mother's apartment when I decided to sit down instead and talk further about her daughter. I was a bit intense. I related what's been going on in our apartment. I told her about her daughter's refusal to get out of bed. I told her that her daughter's screwy idea about leaving her was due to my promise to pay off her debt of $18,000 in March when I get my tax refund. Her mother was shocked to hear how much debt she had rung up. I said I made this offer out of love (true albeit with a suspicion that the relationship will end at that time). I said I could easily say, "What the fuck, the way I feel about it is to leave her in debt. After all, look at the gratitude I'm getting." I mentioned that I am getting no thanks for this largess and that I found that infuriating.
I told her mother that my theory was that the Lexapro had not yet taken effect. I mentioned that she thinks she is bipolar but I disagree. She has a "me, too" tendency (I didn't say this to her mother) that I have always found infuriating. I don't think she has bipolar unless it's a type three bipolar which is characterized by more depression than mania.I mentioned that it was after she had gone off all drugs to help her that she began having mood swings. We agreed that she should talk to our psychiatrist about taking a mood stabilizer to address her supposed bipolar disorder. But when she mentioned her suspicion that she has bipolar to him she also expressed a refusal to take a new drug because she was afraid of doing so in light of the problems she had with the previous new medication.
I mentioned to her mother that I suspected that part of her daughter's problem was withdrawal from codeine. She has refrained from taking it throughout her current, what? Infirmity? Her mother looked perplexed. It occurs to me now that she hadn't known about her daughter's addiction. A dependence I find disgusting. How did she ever get into this position? Why hasn't she kicked the habit earlier? I know she tried to gradually to cut down but, "Apartment pressures" prevented her from continuing her withdrawal. A junkie always has an excuse.
Damn this is all so frustrating. I suggested taking Lamictal, which is a mood stabilizer, but she refused. That's what I take to keep me on an even keel, more or less handling my bipolar depressions. So much for her supposed bipolar disorder.The doctor finally re-prescribed Lexapro and now she is slowly building it up in her system. Anyway, I mentioned this to her mother. I told her mother that if she was indeed bipolar she could never have taken Lexapro because it is anathema to bipolars. Lexapro is for people who are depressive/reactive. Anyway it's all moot because she refused to take Lamictal, probably because she knew she was bullshitting about being bipolar in the first place.
I also added during the discussion that one thing everyone seems to conveniently forget is that I am on the front line with this. I see her every day and have to deal with her every day. Hypothetical musings are insulting to me (I didn't say that to her mother, however). I think her mom got the message and ultimately sympathized with me. I thanked her for the dinner she had made for us and left.
Once home it was back to the usual drama. I offered to make her a plate of food but she refused it with a sigh, saying that she wasn't hungry. I said OK and helped myself. I sat down to eat her mother's delicious pork chops. I don't give a fuck quite frankly. If she wants to play this mind game with me I refuse to participate. I told her that I can warm up dinner in the microwave later if she gets hungry. She replied with a dramatic sigh and said, "OK." I find this incredibly annoying. I wonder how long all this shit is going to last. I'm at my wits end to find a way to snap her out of her funk. All she does is lie in bed and sleeps between briefly watching TV. She has been lying in bed all day in hot pajamas during one of the hottest days in weeks. The bedroom was like an oven. I said I couldn't believe that she could bear it. With another flair of drama she replied, "It's OK. I don't feel the heat." This has got to be bullshit.
What am I going to do? I'm torn in two. One side of me wants to pursue my plan to be rid of her after March of next year. That has a lot of power over me. As every day goes by with her moping in bed feeling sorry for herself it's another nail in the coffin in which our relationship finds itself. On the other hand, I want to rebuild our relationship and bring it into a more equal partnership in which caring and loving is the responsibility of both parties. One in which neither takes a submissive or a dominant role. One that builds from shared experience but acknowledges that the relationship has changed and can blossom into something new and better. There is a side of me that doesn't want to simply cast off five years of living together and loving one another.
In the meantime I am fated to living this lonely life without any kind of relationship whatsoever unless I count the horrible bed-ridden and dramatic bullshit. What does a bachelor's life look like? I guess I am finding out. It's not so bad, really. I set my own agenda and pursue my own interests. I am lonely but perhaps meetup.com will address that condition. Then I will not need or want her.
I (1) was hurt, (2) I not willing to admit I was at fault, and (3) I'm not going to apologize. That's the bottom line.
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