I've changed my settings on this blog to make it private. I should have thought of this earlier before I began using it as my personal diary. Now it seems that she has located it and read my posts and come to the post in which I laid out my plans for leaving her in six months. What a hassle and invasion of my privacy. But I guess it's my fault for not having made this private in the first place.
Actually, I'm not completely sure she did read this blog. She may have been bluffing. Lately she has been lying in bed all day moping and feeling sorry for herself. I've mentioned to her that I plan to pay off her $18,000 in credit debt when my tax refund arrives in (hopefully) March. She may have put one and one together and concluded that this is when our relationship will end.
I doubt that she read the blog now that I think of it. Otherwise I am sure she would have read other entries that are, to say the least, less flattering about her and our relationship. She didn't mention any of this. I'm sure I would have heard about it, too. So it's probably all bullshit.
I want to work on this relationship during the next six months to try and rebuild it before letting go. My instincts tell me that this won't work. So I am planning to get her out of my life. But truth be told if this work will yield any results it will be worth the effort. I've invested fiv years in this relationship and I am not off the cuff ready to abandon it.
It's going to be an uphill battle. She seems incapable of accepting any real responsibility for her actions last Wednesday (9/21/2011). She repeats over and over again that she is sorry for hurting me but she was in need and I wasn't there to help her. The implication is that although something bad happened she is not really responsible and I am somehow at fault, too. She cannot come clean about it.
I've spent the days after Wednesday looking in on her and, when she has been awake, inquiring after her feelings and asking if there is anything I can do for her. When she has been lucid I have tried to talk about the effect that the events of Wednesday had upon me and how I am struggling to overcome it. I have tried to explain to her that our relationship is facing a crisis and that we both need to roll up our sleeves and get to work repairing it.
But I am always faced with the same litany. I can't get through to her. She simply repeats over and over again that I have already decided to get rid of her in six months. Well, she's right about that. Our relationship is at death's doorstep. If she doesn't get her act together and work on our relationship it will indeed die upon the vine.
I just don't know what I feel. A part of me is dead set on ending it no matter what. It is an effort for me to look at an other alternative. It is certainly a big effort whit her disengaged from the process. I try to explain this to her but as I get deeper into the conversation she accuses me of using big words that she doesn't understand. I try dumbing it down but to no avail.
She accused me recently of lying about our relationship. That I was faking that we had something left and that she felt insulted by this. I was dumbfounded. I have definitely been cold towards her. I have difficulty being close. I am still hurt and I don't trust her.
I got frustrated and angry about my inability to get through to her this evening. She said that she didn't want to come out and touch me and talk about our relationship because I might barks or hit her. The last accusation sent chills down my spine. I don't have a violent bone in my body. But she knows about my arrest record for domestic abuse. Will she set me up for an accusation for this? I am scared now.
I will see my brother this Saturday and I plan to talk to him about this situation I find myself in. I'll need to have him on the ball and ready to defend me if things take an ugly turn here. I'll mention it to my therapist tomorrow, too. I need to every duck in a row on this. Perhaps I will schedule an appointment with my psychiatrist to talk this over with him. I'm not sure what these people can do for me if I am accused of domestic violence. Hopefully something.
God what a shitty situation.
Actually, I'm not completely sure she did read this blog. She may have been bluffing. Lately she has been lying in bed all day moping and feeling sorry for herself. I've mentioned to her that I plan to pay off her $18,000 in credit debt when my tax refund arrives in (hopefully) March. She may have put one and one together and concluded that this is when our relationship will end.
I doubt that she read the blog now that I think of it. Otherwise I am sure she would have read other entries that are, to say the least, less flattering about her and our relationship. She didn't mention any of this. I'm sure I would have heard about it, too. So it's probably all bullshit.
I want to work on this relationship during the next six months to try and rebuild it before letting go. My instincts tell me that this won't work. So I am planning to get her out of my life. But truth be told if this work will yield any results it will be worth the effort. I've invested fiv years in this relationship and I am not off the cuff ready to abandon it.
It's going to be an uphill battle. She seems incapable of accepting any real responsibility for her actions last Wednesday (9/21/2011). She repeats over and over again that she is sorry for hurting me but she was in need and I wasn't there to help her. The implication is that although something bad happened she is not really responsible and I am somehow at fault, too. She cannot come clean about it.
I've spent the days after Wednesday looking in on her and, when she has been awake, inquiring after her feelings and asking if there is anything I can do for her. When she has been lucid I have tried to talk about the effect that the events of Wednesday had upon me and how I am struggling to overcome it. I have tried to explain to her that our relationship is facing a crisis and that we both need to roll up our sleeves and get to work repairing it.
But I am always faced with the same litany. I can't get through to her. She simply repeats over and over again that I have already decided to get rid of her in six months. Well, she's right about that. Our relationship is at death's doorstep. If she doesn't get her act together and work on our relationship it will indeed die upon the vine.
I just don't know what I feel. A part of me is dead set on ending it no matter what. It is an effort for me to look at an other alternative. It is certainly a big effort whit her disengaged from the process. I try to explain this to her but as I get deeper into the conversation she accuses me of using big words that she doesn't understand. I try dumbing it down but to no avail.
She accused me recently of lying about our relationship. That I was faking that we had something left and that she felt insulted by this. I was dumbfounded. I have definitely been cold towards her. I have difficulty being close. I am still hurt and I don't trust her.
I got frustrated and angry about my inability to get through to her this evening. She said that she didn't want to come out and touch me and talk about our relationship because I might barks or hit her. The last accusation sent chills down my spine. I don't have a violent bone in my body. But she knows about my arrest record for domestic abuse. Will she set me up for an accusation for this? I am scared now.
I will see my brother this Saturday and I plan to talk to him about this situation I find myself in. I'll need to have him on the ball and ready to defend me if things take an ugly turn here. I'll mention it to my therapist tomorrow, too. I need to every duck in a row on this. Perhaps I will schedule an appointment with my psychiatrist to talk this over with him. I'm not sure what these people can do for me if I am accused of domestic violence. Hopefully something.
God what a shitty situation.
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