Thursday, September 29, 2011 1:16 PM
I left her this morning with hugs and kisses to which she responded lovingly back. All seemed good in the world. I had errands to run and she blew me a kiss as I was walking out the door. I left with a good feeling in my heart. It's true I have been see-sawing this past week about whether or not I wanted to pursue and repair this relationship or go it alone. This morning I was seeing instead of sawing and all was looking up.
Sadly things changed while I was away. I returned with the bottle of paint I went to the Castro to buy and two heavy bags of groceries I schlepped from Safeway to the street car to Gough and all the way up Gough to our apartment. She put them away while I changed into my house clothes. She returned to the bedroom after a few perfunctory trivial remarks. I figured she was tired and depressed again and let things ride.
She got up and went to get the mail for our apartment and for her from her mother's apartment. Still thinking that all was well I cheerfully replaced the "F" on our apartment door. I thought that she was just going to check our mailbox but found out after she had returned that she had also gone to her mother's. I was worried and went down to see what was taking her so long. I didn't see her at the mailboxes. I wondered what happened to her. I waited somewhat anxiously for her return.
I made myself a juice and soda drink and went out on the balcony to enjoy the summer air. I asked her to come and join me. She came out. The short hairs on the back of my neck stood up. I sensed that something was wrong. Nevertheless I started making small talk to the music I had brought with me to the balcony.
She said that she didn't know what to do about our relationship. She said I could do whatever I wanted. She reiterated that she couldn't do anything for our relationship. She left the balcony and returned to our bedroom. I asked after her as she left to come on out and talk but she disappeared.
I came into the living room to check my email. As I was preparing to sit down and do this she returned. I knew by the look on her face that it wasn't going to be good. She said that she knew I was "faking it" and that she knew that we were going to break up in March. I left my desk to sit on the couch. I asked her how she knew that. She said that she, "Just knew." She said again that she knew I was faking it. Faking my love for her and faith in the relationship.
I told her that I loved her and only wanted pay off her debt in March. I got a little heated and said that I couldn't understand why everybody (I mean her mother and her daughter) thought this. I said in a louder voice that I didn't know why no one was thanking me instead of getting on my case. She repeated that she just knew. God how frustrating.
I asked her why she thought that I would just throw a five year relationship out the window. I accused her of doing just that. She said she didn't know what to do about our relationship. (Where have I heard this before?) She said that "it" was so hard to believe that her relationship was ending over such a trivial incident. This is again an attempt to lay the blame at my door. She still doesn't grasp just how hurt I became a week ago. Privately I hated that but let it go by.
I go up and went to her leaning on the back of the living room chair. I touched her in a half-hug and tried to reassure her. I told her that it was just the depression that was making her feel the way she does. She said she was dizzy. I told her gently to go to bed. I said I would get her anything she needed, for example food, wine and so forth. She interrupted me and told me to stop faking it. I told her that it was the depression talking and that she should just go to bed and rest and wait for the Lexapro to take effect. She left.
Just now as I am writing this she came out and apologized. About everything. I asked what she was apologizing about. She said everything. I told her that there is nothing to apologize for. That it is the depression talking. I told her that she cannot clearly see what is happening. That her depression was affecting how she perceived what is going on and is affecting her judgement. I reminder her that her mind is incapable of this because she is depressed. I told her to go lie down and rest and wait for the Lexapro to take effect.
And on and on it goes. Now I'm sawing instead of seeing. This toggling between wanting to make this relationship work and abandoning it is making me tired and aggravating my back.
I left her this morning with hugs and kisses to which she responded lovingly back. All seemed good in the world. I had errands to run and she blew me a kiss as I was walking out the door. I left with a good feeling in my heart. It's true I have been see-sawing this past week about whether or not I wanted to pursue and repair this relationship or go it alone. This morning I was seeing instead of sawing and all was looking up.
Sadly things changed while I was away. I returned with the bottle of paint I went to the Castro to buy and two heavy bags of groceries I schlepped from Safeway to the street car to Gough and all the way up Gough to our apartment. She put them away while I changed into my house clothes. She returned to the bedroom after a few perfunctory trivial remarks. I figured she was tired and depressed again and let things ride.
She got up and went to get the mail for our apartment and for her from her mother's apartment. Still thinking that all was well I cheerfully replaced the "F" on our apartment door. I thought that she was just going to check our mailbox but found out after she had returned that she had also gone to her mother's. I was worried and went down to see what was taking her so long. I didn't see her at the mailboxes. I wondered what happened to her. I waited somewhat anxiously for her return.
I made myself a juice and soda drink and went out on the balcony to enjoy the summer air. I asked her to come and join me. She came out. The short hairs on the back of my neck stood up. I sensed that something was wrong. Nevertheless I started making small talk to the music I had brought with me to the balcony.
She said that she didn't know what to do about our relationship. She said I could do whatever I wanted. She reiterated that she couldn't do anything for our relationship. She left the balcony and returned to our bedroom. I asked after her as she left to come on out and talk but she disappeared.
I came into the living room to check my email. As I was preparing to sit down and do this she returned. I knew by the look on her face that it wasn't going to be good. She said that she knew I was "faking it" and that she knew that we were going to break up in March. I left my desk to sit on the couch. I asked her how she knew that. She said that she, "Just knew." She said again that she knew I was faking it. Faking my love for her and faith in the relationship.
I told her that I loved her and only wanted pay off her debt in March. I got a little heated and said that I couldn't understand why everybody (I mean her mother and her daughter) thought this. I said in a louder voice that I didn't know why no one was thanking me instead of getting on my case. She repeated that she just knew. God how frustrating.
I asked her why she thought that I would just throw a five year relationship out the window. I accused her of doing just that. She said she didn't know what to do about our relationship. (Where have I heard this before?) She said that "it" was so hard to believe that her relationship was ending over such a trivial incident. This is again an attempt to lay the blame at my door. She still doesn't grasp just how hurt I became a week ago. Privately I hated that but let it go by.
I go up and went to her leaning on the back of the living room chair. I touched her in a half-hug and tried to reassure her. I told her that it was just the depression that was making her feel the way she does. She said she was dizzy. I told her gently to go to bed. I said I would get her anything she needed, for example food, wine and so forth. She interrupted me and told me to stop faking it. I told her that it was the depression talking and that she should just go to bed and rest and wait for the Lexapro to take effect. She left.
Just now as I am writing this she came out and apologized. About everything. I asked what she was apologizing about. She said everything. I told her that there is nothing to apologize for. That it is the depression talking. I told her that she cannot clearly see what is happening. That her depression was affecting how she perceived what is going on and is affecting her judgement. I reminder her that her mind is incapable of this because she is depressed. I told her to go lie down and rest and wait for the Lexapro to take effect.
And on and on it goes. Now I'm sawing instead of seeing. This toggling between wanting to make this relationship work and abandoning it is making me tired and aggravating my back.
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