I need to figure out a sensible, safe and manageable way to end my relationship. It's not been easy along the way.
We met with our psychiatrist last Friday. We don't meet with him as a couple. We meet in back-to-back sessions which makes it convenient to schedule appointments. He understands what each of us is up to in relation to one another so it's almost like couples' counseling. I told him about the horrible Wednesday I had with her and expressed my concern that not only did the new medication she tried fail miserably but also how being on no medication at all was detrimental to our relationship. He was thoughtful and while not offering up details of his session with her nevertheless intimated that he was taking steps to address the issue. He understood my concern and encouraged me to have patience.
Our psychiatrist gave her some low-dosage Lexapro which is what she had been taking before all the madness ensued by trying new medication. He also advised her to stay sedated using Neurontin and Valium until the Lexapro can be increased to an effective dose. Since then she has been alternately angry, sad, threatened and otherwise given to melodrama. She decided to dose herself into oblivion and now stays in bed in a catatonic state most of the time, sleeping with small breaks to go to the bathroom and eat. She says that she is doing it for my sake so that she won't say anything to hurt me or make me mad or leave her. How tiresome.
I tried to follow the advice given to me by my psychologist before the shit storm on Wednesday. I had been complaining about my relationship with her as I so often do. She suggested that my partner and I sit down and have a rational discussion about our relationship. About where it has been, where it is, and how we hope it will develop. She suggested that we each come clean with one another and have an honest exchange in which each accepts responsibility. To think and talk together about what each can contribute to improving our relationship.
That didn't work very well. I tried initiating a discussion along those very reasonable lines and was met with an alternating mix of hostility and fear. I told her that in my opinion our relationship had changed forever and that this could be viewed as a learning and growing process for us. But my partner can only think in black and white. She feels threatened by the change in me. By my attempt to engage more intellectually. Nothing I said got through. It was like swimming in emotional molasses. I gave up and reassured her with platitudes. "I wont leave you honey. I love you honey. I forgive you honey. It's all going to be OK honey."
I told my therapist today about the Night Of Screams. My partner flew off the handle and in a neurotic rage hurled a barrage of insults, hate and vitriol which I have never experienced in my life. But I did not reach out and grovel before my partner, begging for forgiveness, seeking solace, and soothing her with obsequious sweet nothings. I stood there and stared at her (probably glared at her) and was angry, instead. This further inflamed her rage but for once I simply did not care.
I had an epiphany that night which is still spinning through my mind like a religious experience. All the confusing bits and pieces that have been plaguing me over the past several years in my relationship suddenly crystallized into a complete understanding of how dysfunctional it has been. On top of that I also saw myself as a complete man. I am whole again and no longer need a wet-nurse in my life. I am fully functional and completely capable of making my own decisions, caring for myself and taking responsibility for my own welfare.
My partner and I met five years ago. At that time I was in the throes of non-medicated bipolar, in a continual state of psychosis and reeling from the physical and mental side-effects of Hepatitis treatment. I was also coming out of a disastrous and acrimonious divorce from the love of my life for over fifteen years. This confluence of unfortunate circumstances made me very needy. My partner was also coming out of a relationship and was distraught and lonely. We came together via a bulletin board and in person at a mental health support group meeting. All seemed well in the world after meeting her. I was no longer lonely. I had a new love interest in my life.
In retrospect this was a classic rebound relationship with, as can be the case, dysfunctional undertones. My partner assumed the role of care-giver and oversaw administration of my Hepatitis medicine. She loved the wild and crazy bipolar person I was at that time. I gladly gobbled up the attention and, not so fortunately, assumed the role of patient. I became the helpless one in need of care. I became the victim of my mental and physical illnesses. She took control and became the dominant partner in our relationship. This was an arrangement I have never found myself in before. I have always been strong, dominant, competitive, forceful, intelligent, competent, witty and charming. All these characteristics of my personality became lost to me.
All that has changed now. Actually, it probably changed about three years ago when I began to feel the constraints of my current relationship. I knew something was wrong but I couldn't put my finger on it. I continued to play the submissive partner but it became increasingly uncomfortable. I think any feeble attempts I made at self-realization were squashed by my partner. I think she has felt threatened by these attempts and re-asserted her dominant role. Having let my inherent personality traits atrophy for so long I simply gave up and assumed the role that had been meted out to me five years ago and which I at that time so greedily accepted.
My partner's care-giving and dominant role is over for me now. I think she is coming to the slow realization that some fundamental change has occurred in my personality. It has. Her catatonia and occasional risings are marked by an unhealthy plea for attention. It's not the sincere need of an equal partner in distress. It's more of a, "If you love me you will..." sort of attention-getting device. I find this repulsive. I try to hide it but I fear I am not very successful at that. She senses this in me. She has even brought it out into the open to some extent, although she calls it hate. I don't think I look at her with hate but rather with disgust. I feel bad about this. Nevertheless, now that the full force of my personality has returned I refuse to play an ingratiating role anymore. She takes this as hate. I do not hate her.
After all, she did take care of me five years ago when I needed it. I cannot fault her for that, although I certainly have expressed my anger, confusion and disgust in previous posts. I will always love her for having taken care of me and for loving me. She still loves me although she would prefer to see me in that past helpless state. I think she probably still wishes wistfully that I was the same crazy bipolar I was when she met me, too. I still love her even though I now understand who she is and how we have grown so far apart. I will always love her and care for her long after this relationship comes to a close.
I want an intelligent and self-aware woman in my life. I want her to care about me, to be sure, but not as a needy partner but rather as an equal with whom she shares her life. These are all of the things my partner is not. With the epiphany has come the realization that I must end this relationship and look elsewhere.
I discussed this with my therapist, of course. When I mentioned the part about wanting an intelligent woman to talk with I think she got uncomfortable for a second. She's not good at hiding her body language. But I would never fall in love with my therapist. I suppose it's a classic scenario but I am far too wise at this point in my life to make that mistake. Also, I respect her too much to lay that at her feet. Anyway, I think she gets the message about my problem. She doesn't want to jump on the bandwagon about my desire to end my current relationship. I don't blame her. I'll bet a lot of people express these sorts of thoughts when they are in troubled relationships. She's no doubt seen that fly across her radar too often to jump to any conclusions. But silence is a communication medium in itself.
She suggests that I not be too hasty in my desire to rush into another relationship. Very good advice. The first thing that comes into my mind is ending my current relationship, living alone, and meeting the "right woman," probably through an Internet dating service. All of that is possible of course but I don't do "alone" very well. There's a risk of another rebound relationship. I do not take this risk lightly because I have fallen for it even before my current situation. My therapist reminded me today that she has in the past suggested that I build a network of friends. This will give me a social life outside of what I have now, which is basically, "None." It's good advice. I miss not having friends. I used to have lots of friends, at work and outside of work. Also, a social network will also provide the emotional support I will need coming out of a relationship.
A social network also provides another support mechanism. There's a dark side to a breakup with my partner. I don't trust her. I do not trust her to not try something stupid like attempting suicide. I do not trust her to not "set me up" in some unfortunate way in which I am accused of violence. I have, alas, a criminal arrest record for domestic violence which puts me at risk for such an accusation. I don't trust her to not go ape-shit and destroy the apartment. I do not trust her to not make some legal claim to the apartment and/or my possessions which would make life for me in San Francisco impossible. A social network will help ameliorate these possible outcomes.
My current plan is to first protect myself from financial obligations. I am expecting a healthy tax refund next year. I will use it to pay off my partner's extensive credit debt of around $18,000. A lot, but not all, of it went into remodeling the apartment. Secondly, I plan to remove her name from the lease, if that's possible. That will relieve me of any contractual claim she has to the apartment. Once these things are accomplished I will be better positioned to make the break. This will all start with paying off her debt in (probably) March. That leaves me with six months to slowly build a social network and gradually dissolve the relationship bonds I have with her. This will cushion the blow for both her and myself.
I hope it all works out.
We met with our psychiatrist last Friday. We don't meet with him as a couple. We meet in back-to-back sessions which makes it convenient to schedule appointments. He understands what each of us is up to in relation to one another so it's almost like couples' counseling. I told him about the horrible Wednesday I had with her and expressed my concern that not only did the new medication she tried fail miserably but also how being on no medication at all was detrimental to our relationship. He was thoughtful and while not offering up details of his session with her nevertheless intimated that he was taking steps to address the issue. He understood my concern and encouraged me to have patience.
Our psychiatrist gave her some low-dosage Lexapro which is what she had been taking before all the madness ensued by trying new medication. He also advised her to stay sedated using Neurontin and Valium until the Lexapro can be increased to an effective dose. Since then she has been alternately angry, sad, threatened and otherwise given to melodrama. She decided to dose herself into oblivion and now stays in bed in a catatonic state most of the time, sleeping with small breaks to go to the bathroom and eat. She says that she is doing it for my sake so that she won't say anything to hurt me or make me mad or leave her. How tiresome.
I tried to follow the advice given to me by my psychologist before the shit storm on Wednesday. I had been complaining about my relationship with her as I so often do. She suggested that my partner and I sit down and have a rational discussion about our relationship. About where it has been, where it is, and how we hope it will develop. She suggested that we each come clean with one another and have an honest exchange in which each accepts responsibility. To think and talk together about what each can contribute to improving our relationship.
That didn't work very well. I tried initiating a discussion along those very reasonable lines and was met with an alternating mix of hostility and fear. I told her that in my opinion our relationship had changed forever and that this could be viewed as a learning and growing process for us. But my partner can only think in black and white. She feels threatened by the change in me. By my attempt to engage more intellectually. Nothing I said got through. It was like swimming in emotional molasses. I gave up and reassured her with platitudes. "I wont leave you honey. I love you honey. I forgive you honey. It's all going to be OK honey."
I told my therapist today about the Night Of Screams. My partner flew off the handle and in a neurotic rage hurled a barrage of insults, hate and vitriol which I have never experienced in my life. But I did not reach out and grovel before my partner, begging for forgiveness, seeking solace, and soothing her with obsequious sweet nothings. I stood there and stared at her (probably glared at her) and was angry, instead. This further inflamed her rage but for once I simply did not care.
I had an epiphany that night which is still spinning through my mind like a religious experience. All the confusing bits and pieces that have been plaguing me over the past several years in my relationship suddenly crystallized into a complete understanding of how dysfunctional it has been. On top of that I also saw myself as a complete man. I am whole again and no longer need a wet-nurse in my life. I am fully functional and completely capable of making my own decisions, caring for myself and taking responsibility for my own welfare.
My partner and I met five years ago. At that time I was in the throes of non-medicated bipolar, in a continual state of psychosis and reeling from the physical and mental side-effects of Hepatitis treatment. I was also coming out of a disastrous and acrimonious divorce from the love of my life for over fifteen years. This confluence of unfortunate circumstances made me very needy. My partner was also coming out of a relationship and was distraught and lonely. We came together via a bulletin board and in person at a mental health support group meeting. All seemed well in the world after meeting her. I was no longer lonely. I had a new love interest in my life.
In retrospect this was a classic rebound relationship with, as can be the case, dysfunctional undertones. My partner assumed the role of care-giver and oversaw administration of my Hepatitis medicine. She loved the wild and crazy bipolar person I was at that time. I gladly gobbled up the attention and, not so fortunately, assumed the role of patient. I became the helpless one in need of care. I became the victim of my mental and physical illnesses. She took control and became the dominant partner in our relationship. This was an arrangement I have never found myself in before. I have always been strong, dominant, competitive, forceful, intelligent, competent, witty and charming. All these characteristics of my personality became lost to me.
All that has changed now. Actually, it probably changed about three years ago when I began to feel the constraints of my current relationship. I knew something was wrong but I couldn't put my finger on it. I continued to play the submissive partner but it became increasingly uncomfortable. I think any feeble attempts I made at self-realization were squashed by my partner. I think she has felt threatened by these attempts and re-asserted her dominant role. Having let my inherent personality traits atrophy for so long I simply gave up and assumed the role that had been meted out to me five years ago and which I at that time so greedily accepted.
My partner's care-giving and dominant role is over for me now. I think she is coming to the slow realization that some fundamental change has occurred in my personality. It has. Her catatonia and occasional risings are marked by an unhealthy plea for attention. It's not the sincere need of an equal partner in distress. It's more of a, "If you love me you will..." sort of attention-getting device. I find this repulsive. I try to hide it but I fear I am not very successful at that. She senses this in me. She has even brought it out into the open to some extent, although she calls it hate. I don't think I look at her with hate but rather with disgust. I feel bad about this. Nevertheless, now that the full force of my personality has returned I refuse to play an ingratiating role anymore. She takes this as hate. I do not hate her.
After all, she did take care of me five years ago when I needed it. I cannot fault her for that, although I certainly have expressed my anger, confusion and disgust in previous posts. I will always love her for having taken care of me and for loving me. She still loves me although she would prefer to see me in that past helpless state. I think she probably still wishes wistfully that I was the same crazy bipolar I was when she met me, too. I still love her even though I now understand who she is and how we have grown so far apart. I will always love her and care for her long after this relationship comes to a close.
I want an intelligent and self-aware woman in my life. I want her to care about me, to be sure, but not as a needy partner but rather as an equal with whom she shares her life. These are all of the things my partner is not. With the epiphany has come the realization that I must end this relationship and look elsewhere.
I discussed this with my therapist, of course. When I mentioned the part about wanting an intelligent woman to talk with I think she got uncomfortable for a second. She's not good at hiding her body language. But I would never fall in love with my therapist. I suppose it's a classic scenario but I am far too wise at this point in my life to make that mistake. Also, I respect her too much to lay that at her feet. Anyway, I think she gets the message about my problem. She doesn't want to jump on the bandwagon about my desire to end my current relationship. I don't blame her. I'll bet a lot of people express these sorts of thoughts when they are in troubled relationships. She's no doubt seen that fly across her radar too often to jump to any conclusions. But silence is a communication medium in itself.
She suggests that I not be too hasty in my desire to rush into another relationship. Very good advice. The first thing that comes into my mind is ending my current relationship, living alone, and meeting the "right woman," probably through an Internet dating service. All of that is possible of course but I don't do "alone" very well. There's a risk of another rebound relationship. I do not take this risk lightly because I have fallen for it even before my current situation. My therapist reminded me today that she has in the past suggested that I build a network of friends. This will give me a social life outside of what I have now, which is basically, "None." It's good advice. I miss not having friends. I used to have lots of friends, at work and outside of work. Also, a social network will also provide the emotional support I will need coming out of a relationship.
A social network also provides another support mechanism. There's a dark side to a breakup with my partner. I don't trust her. I do not trust her to not try something stupid like attempting suicide. I do not trust her to not "set me up" in some unfortunate way in which I am accused of violence. I have, alas, a criminal arrest record for domestic violence which puts me at risk for such an accusation. I don't trust her to not go ape-shit and destroy the apartment. I do not trust her to not make some legal claim to the apartment and/or my possessions which would make life for me in San Francisco impossible. A social network will help ameliorate these possible outcomes.
My current plan is to first protect myself from financial obligations. I am expecting a healthy tax refund next year. I will use it to pay off my partner's extensive credit debt of around $18,000. A lot, but not all, of it went into remodeling the apartment. Secondly, I plan to remove her name from the lease, if that's possible. That will relieve me of any contractual claim she has to the apartment. Once these things are accomplished I will be better positioned to make the break. This will all start with paying off her debt in (probably) March. That leaves me with six months to slowly build a social network and gradually dissolve the relationship bonds I have with her. This will cushion the blow for both her and myself.
I hope it all works out.
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