Dreams and Things

It's Friday of week ten of if the Hepatitis C treatment which means that it is now winding down until week eleven begins on Sunday. It's 11:00AM and I've been awake for a little over an hour. My chores are complete and I have nothing to do, which is so often the case now these days. I am bored and a little blue. I spent the afternoon and early evening at my mother-in-law's apartment yesterday. I chatted with her alone together until my wife showed up with our grandson who she was to babysit until the early evening until his mother came to pick him up. My chat with my mother-in-law was quiet and cheerful but the dynamic changed radically as the four-year-old entered the apartment. I lost my desire to talk and felt myself clamming up as I do when faced with sensory overload. Nevertheless, I was able to more or less watch the television news. The national news was interrupted constantly by others seeking my attention or a general uproar in the apartment. I was disappoi...

It's my sixth anniversary with my wife today and she was surprised by the 123Greetings card I sent her. She had forgotten our anniversary with all the hassle in her life which I understand completely. It thrilled her and I felt a warm glow, too. All in all a nice way to begin the day. My sleep has been a living hell lately, for weeks it seems. Here's a capsule of what it's like: I go to sleep at around 10:00PM after setting the clock for 2:00AM when I need to wake up for my nighttime medication. All is well until the alarm sounds. Then it's time to sit up and eat the small snack I have set out for myself earlier in the night and that is required by the Victrelis. My wife usually gets up with me and helps me attain something of a sitting position. I am like a limp noodle. I have absolutely no strength in my back. This process takes about five to ten minutes. I choke down my snack and after washing the rest of it down with a shaky hand on my water glass my wife hand...

[I'm coming back to this the day after I wrote it in order to place a little perspective om the original post.] I wonder if I shouldn't refer in part to week seven but I'll stick with week eight for the time being. I'm tired as I write this and my hands are clumsy. I took three Klonopin tablets and two sub-lingual Zyprexa tablets last night. I think I may be hung over from that experience. I wanted to be numb. Excluded from reality. I've done this before with excellent results. The first time I took two Klonopins, one Zyprexa and one Valium. I excluded the Valium last night I that's why I don't think my results were as satisfactory. I took a Klonopin just a few minutes ago. Hopefully it will calm me down. I am full of inchoate anger and depression about my life. I want to be numb again. I might do this anyway. I can't stand being me right now. My life has become meaningless. I do nothing that I can hold forth as an achievement. I watch television...