It's Friday of week ten of if the Hepatitis C treatment which means that it is now winding down until week eleven begins on Sunday. It's 11:00AM and I've been awake for a little over an hour. My chores are complete and I have nothing to do, which is so often the case now these days. I am bored and a little blue.
I spent the afternoon and early evening at my mother-in-law's apartment yesterday. I chatted with her alone together until my wife showed up with our grandson who she was to babysit until the early evening until his mother came to pick him up. My chat with my mother-in-law was quiet and cheerful but the dynamic changed radically as the four-year-old entered the apartment. I lost my desire to talk and felt myself clamming up as I do when faced with sensory overload.
Nevertheless, I was able to more or less watch the television news. The national news was interrupted constantly by others seeking my attention or a general uproar in the apartment. I was disappointed by this. I wanted to yell at everyone to please shut the hell up but that was of course out of the question. Instead I felt a rage rising in me as it does these days. I clamped down hard on it and picked through the pieces of the news as best I could.
One of the side effects of the Interferon is irritability. But it is not in my nature to be angry with people or situations. My instinct is to stifle this emotion and seethe, instead. People notice this, of course. I become suddenly remote, withdrawn and unwilling to communicate. I don't know what to do about this problem. I cannot snap at those around me. I feel alone and isolated.
It's ironic because if I had indeed snapped at those around me regarding the nightly world news last night everyone would probably had shut the hell up or otherwise made space for me. They might of wondered, "What's his problem?" but I would nevertheless been able to watch the news. I give in too easily. I need to assert myself more. After all, other people around me are not reluctant to snap at one another without dire consequences. I should be able to do the same.
I am too submissive. I feel myself surrounded by dominant women sometimes. I am submissive in my relationship, too. It's not a role I am accustomed to. I don't know how I ever came to be in this position. I don't know how to break out of it and assert my masculinity. My position as a patient in need of my wife's ministrations has not helped, of course. It's another factor in my life that contributes to my withdrawal. I am slowly sinking deeper and deeper into myself and feeling a greater sense of loneliness and despair.
All my life I have been the dominant sexual partner in my relationships. I have initiated sex and driven the course of it while having sex. But in my current submissive role I don't know what to do anymore. I am so withdrawn now that reaching out for intimacy is for all intents and purposes impossible for me now. I know intellectually that this is not healthy for my relationship but I am at a loss on how to approach the problem, much less solve it.
I know that my wife is suffering from a lack of intimacy. She has told me so in no uncertain terms. She says that she is reaching a sexual peak now that her menopause has essentially ended. She says that she wants to have more sex, or words to that effect. But I am afraid. I no longer know how to be intimate. I would rather forego sex entirely than try to reach out for it. To initiate it. I have so accustomed myself to withdrawal and a life without sex that it has become a comfort zone for me. I need to break this pattern.
I blame a lot of my lack of sexual drive on the side effects of the psychiatric medication I take. There's probably something to this but I think that at the core of things is my own psychological reluctance. The Hepatitis C medication hasn't helped things. I am often sick or too fatigued to have sex, even if I wanted to do so. But this is a cop-out, too. There are many times when I am perfectly capable of sex. The drugs do not always render me impotent.
I have Cialis which will solve my erectile dysfunction. But I know from attempts to masturbate that I can very rarely climax. I am embarrassed by this. It further adds fuel to the fire of my reluctance to have sex. But a person can be intimate without climaxing. Again, I think this is another way my sub-conscience operates to make me adverse to being intimate or having sex of any sort.
I am trying to reach out now. I try to remember to reach over and caress my wife while she lies next to me in the bed. She responds almost instantly to these touches. I know in my mind that if I can only caress at this point it will probably solve my problem and maybe someday lead to more sexual intimacy. I must accept my impotency and engage in sex despite it. After all, sex isn't just about having an orgasm. It is a coming together of two people in the closest way possible. I must break out of my withdrawal and take the chance of a sexual encounter. And if I am physically unable to perform then so be it.
My wife got very drunk the other night. In all of her ramblings I detected a common theme. She feels as though she gives all of herself to everyone around her and gets nothing in return. This is classic co-dependent behavior. But the truth is that she does try to carry the weight of the world on her shoulders and does not get the degree of thanks she deserves. I think it would be futile to try and point out this co-dependent aspect of her personality. It is so ingrained in her to be a "caregiver." I've tried in the past to point this out and break the vicious circle it causes but to no avail. I need to simply accept it and deal with the darker side of it when that emerges.
Getting back to sex, it would no doubt be a great comfort to her to get the care and recognition of her beauty and womanhood by having sexual encounters. This is probably the most effective way I could help her rather than by intellectualizing the problem as is my habit. I know this and it further lays a burden of guilt at my feet. I feel not only withdrawn and reluctant to be intimate by now I feel compelled to have an intimate encounter. So I am caught in my own vicious circle.
Despite all of the obstacles that lie in my path I am nevertheless resolved to do something, anything, to reach out and give her the caresses and maybe ultimately sex that she needs. It is going to be very difficult for me indeed. The chances will have to occur when I am well enough to do so and the moment is right. Furthermore, I will need to recognize the opportunity when it arises, something I have hitherto been tone-deaf to. But I love her too much to deny her the intimacy she so richly deserves.
I am sick. I seem to always be sick. I am sick of being sick. I am a bubble-boy. I am stuck here in my apartment afraid to go out into the word for fear that my compromised immune system will expose me to some virus or cold that will flatten me. I had a fever last night after my visit to my mother-in-law. Everyone there claimed to be healthy but I think that some bug was carried by someone and that I caught it. Fortunately it was minor. I could have become very sick, instead.
My brother visited last week and stayed for most of the day on Thursday. He claimed to be healthy and probably thought he was. But I became very ill and by dinner at 6:00PM was swimming in pain that felt like the flu. I was sick the whole night with a fever that did not break until later the following day. He was supposed to have come over yesterday but excused himself because he had caught a cold. It may very well have been the case that he was already carrying that bug when he visited and I caught it.
So I sit here and talk to my computer because it is the only way I can express my feelings. I am so withdrawn. So isolated. So very lonely. I have filial responsibilities and I am so unprepared, psychologically and physically to handle them. But I must and somehow break out of this little circle of hell I have made for myself.
I spent the afternoon and early evening at my mother-in-law's apartment yesterday. I chatted with her alone together until my wife showed up with our grandson who she was to babysit until the early evening until his mother came to pick him up. My chat with my mother-in-law was quiet and cheerful but the dynamic changed radically as the four-year-old entered the apartment. I lost my desire to talk and felt myself clamming up as I do when faced with sensory overload.
Nevertheless, I was able to more or less watch the television news. The national news was interrupted constantly by others seeking my attention or a general uproar in the apartment. I was disappointed by this. I wanted to yell at everyone to please shut the hell up but that was of course out of the question. Instead I felt a rage rising in me as it does these days. I clamped down hard on it and picked through the pieces of the news as best I could.
One of the side effects of the Interferon is irritability. But it is not in my nature to be angry with people or situations. My instinct is to stifle this emotion and seethe, instead. People notice this, of course. I become suddenly remote, withdrawn and unwilling to communicate. I don't know what to do about this problem. I cannot snap at those around me. I feel alone and isolated.
It's ironic because if I had indeed snapped at those around me regarding the nightly world news last night everyone would probably had shut the hell up or otherwise made space for me. They might of wondered, "What's his problem?" but I would nevertheless been able to watch the news. I give in too easily. I need to assert myself more. After all, other people around me are not reluctant to snap at one another without dire consequences. I should be able to do the same.
I am too submissive. I feel myself surrounded by dominant women sometimes. I am submissive in my relationship, too. It's not a role I am accustomed to. I don't know how I ever came to be in this position. I don't know how to break out of it and assert my masculinity. My position as a patient in need of my wife's ministrations has not helped, of course. It's another factor in my life that contributes to my withdrawal. I am slowly sinking deeper and deeper into myself and feeling a greater sense of loneliness and despair.
All my life I have been the dominant sexual partner in my relationships. I have initiated sex and driven the course of it while having sex. But in my current submissive role I don't know what to do anymore. I am so withdrawn now that reaching out for intimacy is for all intents and purposes impossible for me now. I know intellectually that this is not healthy for my relationship but I am at a loss on how to approach the problem, much less solve it.
I know that my wife is suffering from a lack of intimacy. She has told me so in no uncertain terms. She says that she is reaching a sexual peak now that her menopause has essentially ended. She says that she wants to have more sex, or words to that effect. But I am afraid. I no longer know how to be intimate. I would rather forego sex entirely than try to reach out for it. To initiate it. I have so accustomed myself to withdrawal and a life without sex that it has become a comfort zone for me. I need to break this pattern.
I blame a lot of my lack of sexual drive on the side effects of the psychiatric medication I take. There's probably something to this but I think that at the core of things is my own psychological reluctance. The Hepatitis C medication hasn't helped things. I am often sick or too fatigued to have sex, even if I wanted to do so. But this is a cop-out, too. There are many times when I am perfectly capable of sex. The drugs do not always render me impotent.
I have Cialis which will solve my erectile dysfunction. But I know from attempts to masturbate that I can very rarely climax. I am embarrassed by this. It further adds fuel to the fire of my reluctance to have sex. But a person can be intimate without climaxing. Again, I think this is another way my sub-conscience operates to make me adverse to being intimate or having sex of any sort.
I am trying to reach out now. I try to remember to reach over and caress my wife while she lies next to me in the bed. She responds almost instantly to these touches. I know in my mind that if I can only caress at this point it will probably solve my problem and maybe someday lead to more sexual intimacy. I must accept my impotency and engage in sex despite it. After all, sex isn't just about having an orgasm. It is a coming together of two people in the closest way possible. I must break out of my withdrawal and take the chance of a sexual encounter. And if I am physically unable to perform then so be it.
My wife got very drunk the other night. In all of her ramblings I detected a common theme. She feels as though she gives all of herself to everyone around her and gets nothing in return. This is classic co-dependent behavior. But the truth is that she does try to carry the weight of the world on her shoulders and does not get the degree of thanks she deserves. I think it would be futile to try and point out this co-dependent aspect of her personality. It is so ingrained in her to be a "caregiver." I've tried in the past to point this out and break the vicious circle it causes but to no avail. I need to simply accept it and deal with the darker side of it when that emerges.
Getting back to sex, it would no doubt be a great comfort to her to get the care and recognition of her beauty and womanhood by having sexual encounters. This is probably the most effective way I could help her rather than by intellectualizing the problem as is my habit. I know this and it further lays a burden of guilt at my feet. I feel not only withdrawn and reluctant to be intimate by now I feel compelled to have an intimate encounter. So I am caught in my own vicious circle.
Despite all of the obstacles that lie in my path I am nevertheless resolved to do something, anything, to reach out and give her the caresses and maybe ultimately sex that she needs. It is going to be very difficult for me indeed. The chances will have to occur when I am well enough to do so and the moment is right. Furthermore, I will need to recognize the opportunity when it arises, something I have hitherto been tone-deaf to. But I love her too much to deny her the intimacy she so richly deserves.
I am sick. I seem to always be sick. I am sick of being sick. I am a bubble-boy. I am stuck here in my apartment afraid to go out into the word for fear that my compromised immune system will expose me to some virus or cold that will flatten me. I had a fever last night after my visit to my mother-in-law. Everyone there claimed to be healthy but I think that some bug was carried by someone and that I caught it. Fortunately it was minor. I could have become very sick, instead.
My brother visited last week and stayed for most of the day on Thursday. He claimed to be healthy and probably thought he was. But I became very ill and by dinner at 6:00PM was swimming in pain that felt like the flu. I was sick the whole night with a fever that did not break until later the following day. He was supposed to have come over yesterday but excused himself because he had caught a cold. It may very well have been the case that he was already carrying that bug when he visited and I caught it.
So I sit here and talk to my computer because it is the only way I can express my feelings. I am so withdrawn. So isolated. So very lonely. I have filial responsibilities and I am so unprepared, psychologically and physically to handle them. But I must and somehow break out of this little circle of hell I have made for myself.
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