It's my sixth anniversary with my wife today and she was surprised by the 123Greetings card I sent her. She had forgotten our anniversary with all the hassle in her life which I understand completely. It thrilled her and I felt a warm glow, too. All in all a nice way to begin the day.
My sleep has been a living hell lately, for weeks it seems. Here's a capsule of what it's like:
I go to sleep at around 10:00PM after setting the clock for 2:00AM when I need to wake up for my nighttime medication. All is well until the alarm sounds. Then it's time to sit up and eat the small snack I have set out for myself earlier in the night and that is required by the Victrelis. My wife usually gets up with me and helps me attain something of a sitting position. I am like a limp noodle. I have absolutely no strength in my back.
This process takes about five to ten minutes. I choke down my snack and after washing the rest of it down with a shaky hand on my water glass my wife hands me the Victrelis to take, two capsules at a time. Here I am careful to swallow them without "backwash." During this entire time she is trying to hold me in an upright position. My tendency to to fall backwards or to the side.
At this point we're done unless I need to pee. This is usually the case. Getting out of the bed and walking to the bathroom is a laughable impossibility. Instead, while still trying to keep me in an upright position she grabs the small bottle I use to piss into from the edge of the bed. I manage to fumble and get out my dick enough from my underpants and stick it into the bottle's opening. With my wife's help we keep it steady enough for me to pee without getting pee all over the place. (This didn't work once and my wife had to get a towel to place on the bed next to me on the bed to soak up the mess.)
When I'm down she let's me fall backwards (or sideways) on the bed while she goes to empty the bottle, wash it out, and bring it back. I am a useless blob of a person when she returns. My legs are hanging off of the floor and I am nowhere near I need to be to sleep correctly. With all her strength (and some admonition) she gets me back into bed. Once horizontal I am generally able to must the energy to position myself correctly in the bed on my back.
This happens every night.
Sometimes there are little "interludes" during which I decide I can pee by myself or get up or something. Last night I tried to reach to pee bottle and slipped on the rug. I slipped on the rug and fell and smashed my head into my night table. I think I actually yelled, "Ow!" but I don't remember now for sure. My wife was up in an instant to check on me. I bitched about the slipperiness of the rug. We went through the pee routine together.
So our nights are not usually very restful. Fortunately for my wife she usually falls asleep at 8:30PM and so has more sleep time before the nightmarish 2:00AM ordeal.
I am so horribly tired all the time I don't know what to do with myself. I lie in bed awake in bed at around 7:00AM when I "wake" up. Lately I've watched morning news shows. Sometimes I'll get up and clean the kitchen. Otherwise I spend the day in bed watching television movies. I do this all day while my wife runs her errands. She usually returns at around 5:30PM and starts thinking about dinner. I'm supposed to take my Victrelis at 6:00PM but we usually eat at around 6:30PM which is OK since there's a two-hour window for taking the drug.
She makes our dinner and we sit down to eat. I try to be cheerful and make small banter but fail miserably at this. We usually talk about how her day went, instead. I try to be an attentive listener. But the truth is that by this time of the day I am completely spaced out and beginning to feel the onset of the pain that the Hepatitis C drugs cause me. I have brought them out and placed them in a pile along with my psychiatric medication in a pile on the table. A little mountain of the things that afflict me. If I need to take an injection that evening I'll place its accouterments along side the hill of pills and capsules.
I am now taking five injections a week. On Sunday I take my Interferon. On Monday, Wednesday and Friday I take injections of Neupogin. On Tuesday nights I take my Procrit injection. I am also taking Ribiviron and Victrelis daily orally, too. This cocktail of Hepatitis medication has its side effects. They are mostly depression, fatigue and flu-like symptoms. I need to read up on this a bit. The Interferon also includes "Irritability" as a side effect. What a clever nomenclature for what is for me the threat of psychosis.
I force down dinner. It's always delicious. My wife is an excellent cook. But a side effect of the medications I take is loss of appetite. I've not been a heavy eater since I started dieting in February of last year. It's torment for me to eat now. I'm supposed to be eating a meal that is at least 500 calories in order for the psychiatric medication to do its work. My guess is that I am not doing this regularly. This does not bode well for keeping the psychotropic side effects of the Interferon at bay. But so far things seem to be working out (on the whole).
Lately I've been depressed. I try to not let this spill over into my relationship with my wife. But it does. I get withdrawn when I am depressed and say little or nothing. I guess I am not much of a loving partner. This reared its very ugly head last week when my wife went to the trouble to create a romantic bath experience that I completely ignored. I still feel terrible about that. I wish I could take it back. I just hope it didn't sour her on our relationship. I love her very much even when I am too depressed to realize a beautiful thing right in front of my face.
I did this during Christmas, too. I was depressed and withdrawn and completely detached from the festivities around me. I did not derive joy from others opening their gifts or from opening my own gifts. I might just as well have been a statue. I don't think this went unnoticed. I am so terribly embarrassed by it now but what can I do? The damage is done.
My lack of involvement with Christmas spilled over into the time that came to take down the decorations. I did nothing to help except put the tree back in its box. My wife did all of the work. Granted, I was also physically sick at the time but not so much that I could not have at least been involved socially. But as usual I was withdrawn into my private hell of depression and loneliness.
As I right this I feel more or less healthy and lucid. I am able to listen to music without becoming obsessed with it. I do not feel psychotic thoughts roiling up in me. I just feel lonely. My wife has left to help paint her daughter's house. As is so often the case I am left to my own devices. What shall I do today? Can I work on my art? I don't know. I'm lonely.
My sleep has been a living hell lately, for weeks it seems. Here's a capsule of what it's like:
I go to sleep at around 10:00PM after setting the clock for 2:00AM when I need to wake up for my nighttime medication. All is well until the alarm sounds. Then it's time to sit up and eat the small snack I have set out for myself earlier in the night and that is required by the Victrelis. My wife usually gets up with me and helps me attain something of a sitting position. I am like a limp noodle. I have absolutely no strength in my back.
This process takes about five to ten minutes. I choke down my snack and after washing the rest of it down with a shaky hand on my water glass my wife hands me the Victrelis to take, two capsules at a time. Here I am careful to swallow them without "backwash." During this entire time she is trying to hold me in an upright position. My tendency to to fall backwards or to the side.
At this point we're done unless I need to pee. This is usually the case. Getting out of the bed and walking to the bathroom is a laughable impossibility. Instead, while still trying to keep me in an upright position she grabs the small bottle I use to piss into from the edge of the bed. I manage to fumble and get out my dick enough from my underpants and stick it into the bottle's opening. With my wife's help we keep it steady enough for me to pee without getting pee all over the place. (This didn't work once and my wife had to get a towel to place on the bed next to me on the bed to soak up the mess.)
When I'm down she let's me fall backwards (or sideways) on the bed while she goes to empty the bottle, wash it out, and bring it back. I am a useless blob of a person when she returns. My legs are hanging off of the floor and I am nowhere near I need to be to sleep correctly. With all her strength (and some admonition) she gets me back into bed. Once horizontal I am generally able to must the energy to position myself correctly in the bed on my back.
This happens every night.
Sometimes there are little "interludes" during which I decide I can pee by myself or get up or something. Last night I tried to reach to pee bottle and slipped on the rug. I slipped on the rug and fell and smashed my head into my night table. I think I actually yelled, "Ow!" but I don't remember now for sure. My wife was up in an instant to check on me. I bitched about the slipperiness of the rug. We went through the pee routine together.
So our nights are not usually very restful. Fortunately for my wife she usually falls asleep at 8:30PM and so has more sleep time before the nightmarish 2:00AM ordeal.
I am so horribly tired all the time I don't know what to do with myself. I lie in bed awake in bed at around 7:00AM when I "wake" up. Lately I've watched morning news shows. Sometimes I'll get up and clean the kitchen. Otherwise I spend the day in bed watching television movies. I do this all day while my wife runs her errands. She usually returns at around 5:30PM and starts thinking about dinner. I'm supposed to take my Victrelis at 6:00PM but we usually eat at around 6:30PM which is OK since there's a two-hour window for taking the drug.
She makes our dinner and we sit down to eat. I try to be cheerful and make small banter but fail miserably at this. We usually talk about how her day went, instead. I try to be an attentive listener. But the truth is that by this time of the day I am completely spaced out and beginning to feel the onset of the pain that the Hepatitis C drugs cause me. I have brought them out and placed them in a pile along with my psychiatric medication in a pile on the table. A little mountain of the things that afflict me. If I need to take an injection that evening I'll place its accouterments along side the hill of pills and capsules.
I am now taking five injections a week. On Sunday I take my Interferon. On Monday, Wednesday and Friday I take injections of Neupogin. On Tuesday nights I take my Procrit injection. I am also taking Ribiviron and Victrelis daily orally, too. This cocktail of Hepatitis medication has its side effects. They are mostly depression, fatigue and flu-like symptoms. I need to read up on this a bit. The Interferon also includes "Irritability" as a side effect. What a clever nomenclature for what is for me the threat of psychosis.
I force down dinner. It's always delicious. My wife is an excellent cook. But a side effect of the medications I take is loss of appetite. I've not been a heavy eater since I started dieting in February of last year. It's torment for me to eat now. I'm supposed to be eating a meal that is at least 500 calories in order for the psychiatric medication to do its work. My guess is that I am not doing this regularly. This does not bode well for keeping the psychotropic side effects of the Interferon at bay. But so far things seem to be working out (on the whole).
Lately I've been depressed. I try to not let this spill over into my relationship with my wife. But it does. I get withdrawn when I am depressed and say little or nothing. I guess I am not much of a loving partner. This reared its very ugly head last week when my wife went to the trouble to create a romantic bath experience that I completely ignored. I still feel terrible about that. I wish I could take it back. I just hope it didn't sour her on our relationship. I love her very much even when I am too depressed to realize a beautiful thing right in front of my face.
I did this during Christmas, too. I was depressed and withdrawn and completely detached from the festivities around me. I did not derive joy from others opening their gifts or from opening my own gifts. I might just as well have been a statue. I don't think this went unnoticed. I am so terribly embarrassed by it now but what can I do? The damage is done.
My lack of involvement with Christmas spilled over into the time that came to take down the decorations. I did nothing to help except put the tree back in its box. My wife did all of the work. Granted, I was also physically sick at the time but not so much that I could not have at least been involved socially. But as usual I was withdrawn into my private hell of depression and loneliness.
As I right this I feel more or less healthy and lucid. I am able to listen to music without becoming obsessed with it. I do not feel psychotic thoughts roiling up in me. I just feel lonely. My wife has left to help paint her daughter's house. As is so often the case I am left to my own devices. What shall I do today? Can I work on my art? I don't know. I'm lonely.
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