Falling Man

From the blistering pits of Hell a voice cries out, “It is not my time yet! I am still falling. I have not come to the end of my fall. I have not ended my fall with sudden death.” And so he keeps on falling.. 

He is Falling Man.

In the safety of his dark room Falling Man collects images of Icarus from the web. He stares at each fondly in turn. Some depict Icarus as he falls. Others depict his death on the scarred rocks below. Falling Man believes he is Icarus reborn. Like Icarus he has flown too close to the sun. His wings have melted and their straps torn unmercifully from his arms. Icarus plunges from light into the shadow below. Falling Man worships the fall of Icarus into darkness. He imagines himself making this fall. He sees the shadow into which he plummets. He lights his room with candles. He plays gloomy goth music on his stereo. The smoke of the candles and from his cigarettes fill his room. They form a cloud that drifts across the ceiling. To pay homage to his broken wings he finds the places from which they have been torn from his arms. He stares at these places time and time again. He tries to find these places on his own arms. He slowly begins to imagine with complete accuracy where they are. And when this happens the cutting begins.

The time for the ritual comes at no preordained time. It is a zone into which he enters and that zone comes with a will of its own. He lays out the accoutrements of his cutting carefully. A razor blade clamped tightly in a vise-grip pliers to prevent it from hurting the hand that wields it. Gauze and tape to bandage the wound after it is made. Towels in his lap to collect the blood as it drips down. A special black candle. He sits next to a small table set with a black tablecloth in one of the the chairs beside it. He draws the razor blade with his left hand slowly through the candle flame to sterilize it. He places it carefully against his right forearm.

He presses down with the blade to cut the skin below it. He slowly draws the blade down about two inches. The blood begins to flow ever so slowly. He moves the blade to the upper part of his arm and repeats the cut. Blood oozes out of this wound to join with the flow below. He switches hands and cuts his left arm in the same places. He watches in fascination as the streams collect in the palms of his hands. The blood pools in the towels below. He does not know how long his zone has transpired. It simply ends. He pours molten wax into his wounds to seal them. He mops up the blood and applies the bandages.

Falling Man is a member of The Icarus Project. This is an online bulletin board dedicated to conversations between bipolar people. Not really knowing, he declares that he is is bipolar. Icarus preaches that bipolars are special and not understood by society. They do not require the medication that so-called normal people impose upon them. They prefer to display their gifts and share these experiences with one another. From within the dark Falling Man's identity is re-enforced. His name is recognized by the other members. They appreciate his commentary. He engages in detailed expositions that last long into the night. Alone without friends or family he finds comfort in the companionship of the bulletin board. These people are his friends now. He needs no others.

It is the night that exhumes him. He sleeps during the day with the curtains of his cold bedroom always closed. All of the curtains of his apartment are drawn all of the time. He shuns the sun. His desk is lit only by a dim yellow desk lamp and with the brightness of his computer screen, too. He does not leave his desk, in his lair, except to shop at the health food store. His only other stop along the way is to buy a bright red rose to decorate his desk with. He hurries to return home quickly. When the rose begins to dies he leaves his apartment again to repeat this routine. He puts the groceries away. The rose is his throbbing blood. He places it carefully in a tall crystal vase on his desk.

Natalie finds Falling Man on MySpace. This is a social networking system that provides each person a place in which they can create their own web site. Members can perform searches for others who share common interests. Natalie and Falling Man find each other and strike up an online conversion. They come to be fascinated by one another. Falling Man suggests that they greet at a meeting of the Depressive Bipolar Support Alliance, DBSA. They agree on a time and meet there. Falling Man finds the bravery to leave his darkness. He leaves dressed completely in black. Black boots. Black jeans. A long-sleeved black t-shirt. A long dark coat that stretches down to his ankles. He has chains wrapped tightly around both wrists His black leather belt is highlighted by silver studs. He is wearing completely round reflective sunglasses. He turns the collar up on his coat and hunches within it.

Natalie comes to the group dressed in black cargo pants as Falling Man expects. She is wearing a black leather jacket decorated by silver chains. She has bright red lipstick and bright red nail polish. Her hair is red and held together by a black beret. They recognize one another immediately and reach across two other people at one end of the large conference table to give each other a small peck on the mouth. Natalie declares that this is our first meeting. A sigh of happiness drifts over the group. Natalie and Falling Man are besotted with one another. This simple introduction is the beginning of their relationship with one another.

After the meeting concludes Falling Man suggests that he and Natalie go to lunch together. They walk hand in hand several blocks to an Italian restaurant and seat themselves outdoors in the sunny light of summer. Falling Man is uncomfortable in this brightness. Natalie orders wine and a small salad. Falling Man orders carpaccio, pickled thin slices of raw beef, and a Seven-Up. Natalie is surprised and a little disappointed because Falling Man had presented himself online as a vegetation, something he was until the restaurant. The carpaccio upsets his stomach but he keeps this hidden from Natalie. She asks him why he has ordered meat. Falling Man replies lamely that he has decided to not be a vegetarian after all. She presses him, “But you said that you only shop at a health food store.” Falling Man admits this. The the meal continues with neither mentioning the menu again.

Days pass and Natalie and Falling Man meet often at coffee shops and for meals at restaurants. Falling Man returns to his vegetation lifestyle and the contradiction of their first meal together is forgotten. Natalie calls him Falling Man which is his name. Sometimes she abbreviates it to “FM,” a nickname he accepts quietly. Sometimes they eat outside, again in the bright warm sunshine she prefers. But Falling Man prefers the gloomy interior of the places they frequent, as far back in the establishment away from the sun as possible. Like a vampire he hides himself. He is not embarrassed by this and he lets Natalie know it. Natalie comes to realize that this provides comfort for his dark spirit. She remembers her conversations with him when she saw the dark images on his site and the gloomy goth music that accompanied them. So although she would prefer to sit in sunlight she acquiesces to his desire. It is a mystery to her that adds to her attraction to him. She is excited by this aspect of his personality and the dark and attractive threat it poses. He is obviously secretive and this also adds to his mystery. He prefers the darkness and so their dates continue only at night.

One evening they meet at a 24-hour restaurant that caters to artists and people on the fringe of society. It is known for its hamburgers and serves meals at all hours of the night. By now Natalie has accepted the fact that Falling Man has changed his diet to include meat. Has he done this to cater to her? To rebel against his previously hard and lonely vegetarian diet? It is a mystery to both of them. Natalie has few friends and none she is close to. Her companionship with Falling Man deepens because of this shared loneliness. Falling Man dreams out loud and expounds on his darkness of spirit but the light that nevertheless entered his heart when he met Natalie. He observes all manner of detail in the restaurant as he hallucinates freely. He takes no drugs. The hallucinations are a natural part of his mind. He laughs and grows joyful. Natalie laughs along with him. She is amused by his ramblings. There are few patrons so late at night. Natalie and Falling Man stay at the restaurant for hours. Natalie pulls out a sketch pad and colored pencils to draw the environs. Falling man finds this to be marvelous. He often glances over at her drawings. They are swirling and magical to him. He explains this to Natalie who laughs goodheartedly at his hallucinatory observations.

After several dates Natalie comes home to Falling Man's totally dark apartment. But she is not surprised by the darkness that he has explained in detail. She finds it fascinating. She comes into his sacrosanct lair where he lights the ubiquitous candles spread throughout the room. He seats her at one side of the dark table and brings her a glass of wine. He offers food but she demurs. They chat for a while about his room and his life there, no longer devoid of actual human companionship. He tells her about the Icarus bulletin board but omits his identification with Icarus himself. Natalie insists that she see the board and the conversations that take place on it. Falling Man shows her his contributions and the responses of his friends. He demonstrates a dialog by announcing to the board that he has found a friend and she is watching as he types. There are immediate responses congratulating him. Natalie has never seen an interactive bulletin board and marvels at it.

After several visits Natalie and Falling Man make love. The yellow desk lamp and computer are turned off. The room is lit solely by candlelight. It is a passionate affair. They tear the clothes of one another. Natalie is a foot shorter than Falling Man so he easily hoists her up against the credenza in his room and penetrates her in a wild untamed frenzy. With demonic fury they make love until both achieve orgasm and fall to the floor exhausted. In the smokey confines of Falling Man's room time stands still. In the deafening silence they make love again on the floor. Falling Man is hallucinating and sees the vibrant colors that surround Natalie. They are dark red, his favorite color, trimmed with a bright white light. They rise up slowly from the floor. Each clad themselves modestly in long sleeved t-shirts. They return to the table and smile at one another as they quietly share their feelings in a new way. 

Natalie falls in love with Falling Man. She does not tell him this right away. She wants to make sure it will be reciprocated when the time comes. An altogether bright light enters Falling Man's pounding heart. He is in love with her. Neither will admit this to one another until several nights later. Natalie and Falling Man spend the night together in his cold bedroom. The apartment has no heat. They huddle together to keep each other warm. The following day Natalie leaves to go home. They will live like this for a year broken only by her frequent visits back home. Natalie decides to move in with him.

During their relationship Falling man is plunged into darkness when she leaves for a particularly long time. He returns to his room, leaving the bed unmade. He returns to the Icarus bulletin board. His conversation is moody. He has no patience with the postings by other members. He dominates discussions with his dark meanderings. The other members protest. Falling Man becomes enraged by this. He screams at them about his cutting. He threatens to commit suicide. The board goes silent. He howls and asks why no one will answer him. No one responds. He is alone. Finally, one poster tells him that of course the members do not answer. They are abashed by his ravings and threats. Falling Man becomes disgusted with the board and leaves it.

Natalie invites Falling Man to her room. He gratefully accepts this reprieve from his isolation. Natalie lives alone with her mother. Natalie and Falling Man make love in her double bed. Natalie falls blissfully asleep. But Falling Man cannot. He sits on the floor with his newly acquired portable computer and sets out to write his own website. On it he includes vignettes, some fictional, some about his life. He writes poetry and makes art which are also included on the site. Natalie awakens to his furious typing. He has not slept all night. Tired but still wired he eats breakfast that Natalie has prepared. Natalie invites him stay for several days but by now Falling Man is obsessed by his project. Natalie drives him home. Red-eyed and incoherent he says goodbye. Promises are exchanged to see one another again soon.

Falling Man reveals his dark secret. One night Falling Man confides to Natalie the nature of his obsession with Icarus. He tells her that he is not only Falling Man but also Icarus. He tells her about the cutting. He tells her about the melted wax, the places where his wings have been torn from his arms. He shows her the scars that she had hitherto attributed to other things. He tells her that he has made the cuts for these scars. Natalie doesn't believe him. So Falling man begins the ritual for her. Her eyes open wide from across the table upon which he lays out his cutting array. He pulls the razor through the candle flame to sterilize it. He places it on the skin of his upper right arm. Natalie reaches across the table and in a soft voice tells him that he doesn't need to do this. Falling Man is jerked out of his trance. The ritual ends. Natalie remains with Falling Man. This incident does not scare Natalie away. He and Natalie continue to live one another.

Once his masterpiece is completed Falling Man publishes it on the web. He resumes participation on the Icarus bulletin board. He is more lucid and able to engage in exchanges with other members. They hesitantly talk with him. He proudly announces his web site and its address. All of the members visit his site and complements abound. But some of the members speak out about his cutting. Falling Man is apprehensive but reads these postings with respect. They implore Falling Man to seek professional help. Falling Man is astonished. Is not the purpose of the bulletin board to revel in the uniqueness of their gifts? Yes, they reply, but there is a limit to what one does in that community. The other members do not engage in self-mutilization. They say that he is in a dangerous place. Falling Man becomes confused. He does not know what to do. A member of the board says he should see a therapist. Falling Man reluctantly agrees. But in his heart he knows that no therapist will take away his identity.

He mentions this to Natalie. She is extremely skeptical. She does not see the need for therapy. She dismisses it. She says that she loves Falling Man just the way he is and sees no need for change. Therapy will destroy him. Falling Man is relieved. But he is obsessed by the exhortations of the bulletin board members. He cannot reconcile this with what Natalie says and wants. He is torn apart by these two different viewpoints. He tells Natalie that he will nevertheless visit a therapist to satisfy the demands of the bulletin board. He assures her that Falling Man will remain. Falling Man struggles with her deep suspicion. What if she is right? What will happen to him in therapy? Will he in fact remain the same? Why go to therapy if that is the case? But he resolves to do it anyway.

He is blustery and sure of himself when he meets with the therapist for the first time. The therapist asks him who he is. He defiantly says he is Falling Man. The therapist asks him why he came to therapy. Falling Man is not so rude as to bluntly answer that the reason for his visit is because of the Icarus bulletin board. He simply replies that it has been suggested that he needs help. He cannot believe that he hears these words coming from his mouth. The therapist asks him why he needs help. Harkening back to the bulletin board members he replies it is because he cuts his arms. The therapist asks him if he thinks this is normal. Falling Man replies that he guesses not. The therapist asks him his real name. Falling Man has to search his memory for this. It vaguely comes back to him. He tells it to the therapist, Sam, who refers to him by his name. An unnatural feeling comes over Falling Man. He is deeply uncomfortable by this revelation. He hears his name used as if from a distance. His hallucinations become more intense. By now he not only sees them but also hears them, too. A deep murmuring that implores him to cut. He has to bite back upon these in order to pay attention to what Sam is saying. The therapist concludes the session by telling Falling Man that he wants to see him on a weekly basis.

Falling Man is confused when he returns home. He shares the experience with Natalie. She says to forget the therapist. That he is fine as he is. She says he doesn't need to return to him. The therapist will only hurt him. Fallingman snaps at her, something he has never done before. He is defiant about going to the therapist. He has always been a person who follows through on a decision and seeing the therapist is no exception. He defiantly tells Natalie that he plans to see him once a week as he suggested. Natalie bursts into tears. She doesn't want to lose Falling Man. She becomes angry with him. But Natalie lets go of her recrimination and the two of them spend a wonderful evening talking together and making love, forgetting the rancorous confrontation earlier.

Falling Man continues to see The therapist once a week. Sam always refers to Falling Man by his given name. Falling Man is uncomfortable with this at first but soon comes to accept.it. Sam and him talk about many things going on in Falling Man's life. Sam begins to broach the subject of Falling Man's delusion. Falling Man bubbles up with indignation. He accuses the therapist of trying to destroy him. He accuses Sam of not understanding. Sam is patient and drops the subject. Falling Man returns next week to Sam with an angry pout. Sam changes the topic and gently explores Falling Man's life and the experiences he has. Falling Man gladly jumps into this and eagerly explains his hallucinations. Sam asks him if he is hallucinating now. Strangely enough he is not. He engages with Sam. They talk about many things in Falling Man's life. His feelings at different times. His feelings about Natalie. Sam carefully dances around Natalie, praising Falling Man for his love, instead.

Falling Man begins to look forward to his weekly sessions with Sam. They are now comfortable enough to laugh with one another. Falling Man comes to enjoy Sam's company. He has never had a friend besides the people of the bulletin board. In a moment of seriousness Sam points out that the bulletin board members are not really people in the sense of true human companionship. He says that friendship occurs face-to-face with another person. Like his relationship with him. Like his relationship with Natalie. He asks if companionship with Natalie is the same as that with the bulletin board members. Falling Man ruefully accepts that it is not. The bulletin board people have only the faces that Falling Man assigns to them. His connection with them is passing and not comparable to real human contact. He understands and accepts this. What was once a cause for violent contention disappears. He is fearful of confrontation. Falling Man trusts Sam. Falling Man begins to slowly diminish during these sessions.

Falling Man eagerly shares his feelings with Sam. Natalie is furious about this. Calling himself by his given name he is scared by her outbursts. She cries uncontrollably. She screeches at Falling Man for betraying her. Between her sobs she asks where Falling Man has gone. She puts her foot down and waits for an answer. He is dumbfounded. He cannot understand her outbursts. He views the slow loss of Falling Man to be a positive step in his recovery. Natalie cries that the man she fell in love with was Falling Man. She does not like the change in him; the loss of Falling Man. Natalie looses her temper so much that she runs screaming out of the apartment. Falling Man is beside himself but does not follow her. He guesses that she needs time alone.

When Natalie returns to the apartment a week later sullen and remote, He welcomes her and reaches to hug her. She is cold and does not reciprocate his hug. He nevertheless walks her, scowling, down the hall to his room. She sits on one side of the black table. She insistently asks who she is talking to and in his worry about their relationship he dissembles. He seeks a double ground. He haltingly disavows the old attachment she had between the free-wheeling nature of Falling Man and a the cold and analytic aspect of his given name personality. He says that he is will always be Falling Man. A little sarcastic smile crosses Natalie's face with accusation in her eyes. She asks if the cold and rational man is who she will now have to deal with. He says yes. But there is a middle ground he says. Between the uncontrollable Falling Man and the detachment of his given name. He suggests that they refer to him as Jesse, his middle name. Jesse is compassionate and caring. Jesse does not embrace the cold temperament of the person with his given name. Jesse does not have the wild and uncontrollable behavior of Falling Man. This mollifies her but does not completely satisfy her. Nevertheless from this time hence forth she will refer to him as Jesse. She smiles encouragingly because although she was wild about Falling Man she can accept and love Jesse.

Natalie has a nervous breakdown. Curled up at the end of the shoe rack on the hall floor in a fetal position she sobs uncontrollably, wailing at the loss of Falling Man. Jesse is at a complete loss. He tries to comfort her but it all passes through her. She cries that she wants her mommy. Jesse calls her and she comes to pick her up. She demands to know what happened. Jesse replies desperately that he does not know. Natalie's mother angrily asks him why he does not know. Jesse repeats himself. Still wailing Natalie leaves with her mother, hunched over and sobbing uncontrollably. Jesse does not hear from her for two weeks after which she asks if she can come home, as if nothing had happened. Still shaken by the experience Jesse welcomes her back. Natalie opens the apartment which makes it sunny. Natalie goes about the business of restoring and redecorating it. She accepts Jesse. And calls him happily by his new name. Life resumes between them as Jesse. They never refer to him by his given name, Austin.

No voice screams from the chasms of Hell. No wailing against fate comes forth. Falling Man is gone forever.