[This is a post about my experiences during a visit to my brother and sister-in-law during the 2014 holiday season in December. I forgot to do this shortly after the visit so I have added it now. I'm not sure about the dates.]
Friday December 18 My nephew Logan and I arrived in New York after a trip that started Thursday afternoon from San Francisco on a flight that lasted about four hours. I had very diligently taken two Klonopins before the flight so I was not so terrified of flying as I usually am. Because of jet lag I had trouble getting to sleep until about 1:30. I finally managed to sleep on a comfortable blow up bed that my brother had bought for me along with and one for my nephew Logan and set up in my brother Randy and my sister-in-law Denise's large bedroom. I slept fitfully. Because of my fear of not being able to sleep I decided to take an extra Temazepam, which gave me horrific nightmares. But I was able to survive and woke up around 1:00PM.
Saturday December 19 We hung around R&D's apartment before leaving to see the Radio City Hall Rockettes Christmas show. We took the Long Island railroad into the NYC Penn station from where we took a cab to Radio City Hall. I was sitting in the back with Denise and Logan while Randy sat in the front with the driver, chatting amicably with him as his gregarious personality allows him. It was unbelievably packed in the lobby when we arrived and I was bewildered by the crowd of people in what must have been a huge concession area. I was able to secure a box of Pop Tarts and Randy bought me a package of Twizzlers. (I didn't eat them; we brought them home. But now I don't know what has become of them. They were on the kitchen table when I came home) Finally the time came and we filed along with everybody else into the theater where Denise had managed to secure orchestra seats that enabled us a wonderful view of the show. The performance was terrific. Afterward it was impossible to catch a cab back to the train so we had to walk about thirteen blocks to the train station. I lost one of my gloves in the theater so one of my hands froze while we trekked to the station. There we found that we had to wait a hour for the train until 1:05AM. We ate some pizza while waiting which was very good. After this we waited for the train on the platform, watching the arrival board anxiously for the track on which our train would arrive. It finally came and we boarded it. I was crowded uncomfortably between Logan and Denise where I boiled in my coat and was exceedingly annoyed. As an afterthought, I should have taken my coat off or moved to one of the many empty seats on the train. After an interminable trip we arrived at Huntington station, the end of the line of the train. Randy drove us back to the apartment. I was so unsettled I took a Klonopin. I went to sleep at 1:30AM.
Sunday December 20 I was completely incapable to walk in the morning, having a falling down fit, and unable to follow along to the afternoon matinee of Book of Mormon. So I had an afternoon alone by myself which I found very comfortable. I am best when I am alone. I watched some college football on TV which I found completely enjoyable because not having cable TV myself I am unable to watch live sports. Randy, Denise and Logan came back from the show later that afternoon. They seemed a little grim to me. Perhaps it was because I had missed the show or for some other reason. My ticket did not go wasted, however. I am sad I missed the broadway play of the Book of Mormon which I understand is very funny. But what could I do? I was falling down. I had no time to sleep it off. So I had to be left behind. They had given my ticket to the upstairs neighbor who also owns the house. So he accompanied them instead of me.
Monday December 21 My brother went to sleep leaving Denise, Logan and myself to ourselves. We talked for a while and decided to go see the third installment of the Hobbit. It was in 3-D and we all enjoyed it immensely. We stopped off at a deli along the way that had a dazzling variety of meats, cheeses, knishes and other delicacies. I ordered a bagel with cream cheese and lox. It was delicious. After the movie we returned to the apartment where Randy made a brief appearance and complained about the lack of milk and his favorite apple cider in the refrigerator. So after a teeny bit of quarreling he went back to bed and Denise, Logan and I went to a local supermarket to buy them and other things. Logon found Dr. Brown's Cream Soda and pointed it out to me. Denise bought it along with a lot of other stuff so I was able to enjoy my favorite soda. One the way back I began fading that is, losing my balance and equilibrium. Logan recognized this in me and told me to wait by the side of the car while he and his mother loaded the groceries into it. I did this, leaning with my butt against the car feeling the strength in my legs slowly drift away. I think Denise was bewildered by this, not having seen the full onset of this problem in me before. Logan helped me into the car and fastened my seat belt for me. Back at the apartment Denise and Logan unloaded all of the groceries while I managed to stumble my way across the flagstones that lead to the entrance of their apartment. I somehow negotiated the steep steps down to where they live and practically fell in the kitchen. Logan caught me. Randy and Logan helped me unclothe and get me into bed. I tried twice to get up to go to the bathroom during the night. Randy and Logan helped me the first time and Randy alone the second. Randy brought me donuts to eat in bed while he made sure I remained in an upright position. Fortunately for me, everybody had decided to stay up late so I wasn't waking anybody up. As is usually the case, I regained my balance as time went by.
I was not so crowded in this one bedroom apartment as I expected. Everybody managed to stay out of each other's way. As usual I was more comfortable alone. I found it difficult to socialize with my family. I tried to stick to politics which everyone had an opinion about. The big thing in my life is therapy and my mental disorders which I cannot share because it makes everyone uneasy. Logon stuck to himself, playing computer games on his mother's computer or on his phone. Every once in a while he engaged in conversation. I noticed that he regressed into being his parent's teenage son instead of the (more or less) mature young man I know him to be from living with him on the weekends. Denise talked about a variety of things including her family and friends with whom she maintains constant contact with. I listened thoughtfully, interjecting occasional confirmations as the occasion permitted. I am a wallflower and as always afraid to initiate conversation myself. Sometimes I would mention something about the weather or other innocuous thing. Randy was mostly silent and talked about what we were going to do. He has grown heavier from eating all of the rich food the area provides. Both Denise and myself are worried about this but there's nothing we can do about it. I am thinking about having a heart-to-heart talk about it with him but don't know when to do it. I am also afraid of how he will react. As always I am afraid of confrontation but need to suppress this for his own good.
Speaking of the weather it was bitter cold outside. It began to rain slightly on the way to the supermarket and Denise became scared about driving in it and in the dark. But we made it there in one piece. Logan drove us back home. I expected the rain to worsen the cold but it did not. The bitterness of the cold disappeared. I guess the rain cloud kept the heat in like the greenhouse effect. But the rain did freeze on the ground making it slippery with ice. Logan was especially concerned about me slipping and hurting myself. Denise picked up on this and told me to walk on the gravel next to the flagstones back to the apartment which provided better traction. I am very grateful for this. During the day the cold became manageable but at night was very bitter. I brought a whole carton of cigarettes with me but at the slow rate I was smoking because of the cold it was unlikely I would make much of a dent in it. I missed my lost glove but Denise promised to take me to a Walgreens or CVS pharmacy to get new gloves. In this weather I could hardly wait. I am so glad I bought a beanie cap which I wear at all times when outside. There's no snow yet and none predicted which is, I suppose, a good thing. Except from the iciness the rain is a warm comfort compared to the 30 degree cold. I'll never complain again about the cold 55 degree days we sometimes get in San Francisco.
Tuesday, December 22 We got back from a shopping trip to a very upscale mall. I was dazzled by the stores--all high end designer stores for the most part. I bought a new pair of gloves to replace the one I lost. I also bought a nice present for Yaffa and one for Dorit. They were inexpensive; I didn’t have a lot of money to spend. There were a couple of ladies wrapping presents in the mall for some charity so I had their presents wrapped in Hanukah paper for a small donation. They're not large but will take up room in my already crowded suitcase. I hope they survive the trip back home.
The network went down so none of us had anything to do. Randy napped and Denise used her iPad for something. Logan was sprawled out on the sofa reading. I tried to find something to watch on TV. Otherwise it was pretty quiet n the apartment.
I found a hockey game to watch. Logan was a little put out but I ignored him. He asked me, "Since when do you watch hockey?" I responded that I like watching sports of any kind. The truth is that hockey is low on my list but I love watching live sports. I don't have cable television so it's a treat to watch them. I laid down on the sofa and sort of half-dozed while listening to the game, becoming alert only when the announcers sounded excited suggesting that a goal had been made or almost made. I had been awake since 5:30AM and was a little tired. Logan asked me if I was actually watching the game and I told him I was but I was also dozing. Logan retreated to the bedroom where my brother was already sleeping. Denise I talked a bit with me before she, too, went to lie down. So I was left alone for a while which suited me just fine.
Wednesday, December 23 We hung around the apartment. After a while I switched the game I was watching (whatever that was) off and searched for something to watch on HBO. I found, "The Legend of Hercules." I guess it's a crummy movie but I hadn't seen it. Logan and Denise appeared and were not entirely aghast my selection but in so many words indicated displeasure. So we searched for something else to watch. I don't remember what now. I was disappointed but kept my feelings to myself and put up no fight to watch my movie. I laid down for a while and when I woke up my brother was in the living room working on his computer. The TV was off. We watched the Best of Saturday Night Live later in the evening. I have no recollection of what transpired between the time I was talking with my brother and the appearance of Denise and Logan. I found the show moderately funny. After that we watched a Bill Maher stand-up comedy show which was hilarious. Our group often laughed out loud. But in my restrained tendency I only chuckled. We had pizza delivered for dinner along with an antipasto salad and some sort of backed dish. The pizza was delicious. Probably because it contained MSG, judging by my allergic reaction to it. It came on after I had finished my second and last slice. I meant to ask my brother for an allergy pill from his hoard but forgot.
I called and left a message for for my psychologist Ilene to set up an appointment by phone at my usual time on Wednesday at 10:00AM. I called her back about an hour later when I realized that Wednesday was Christmas Eve and she would be off from work. I cancelled the appointment which could not have happened anyway. Somehow or another my brother must have heard me through the bedroom door. So he sat me down on the sofa and had a "heart-to-heart" talk with me. He wanted to know why I felt it necessary to talk with my therapist. I was taken aback. I felt awkward. Denise was in the kitchen and could overhear us. I simply said that I was used to talking with her and that there wasn't anything else to it. Of course I am suffering from such close proximity to people and I am lost in a sea of despair about how to deal with the social dynamic. He assured me that I could talk with him about anything if I felt the need to do so. He asked if I was having problems. I am always having problems but told him I was OK. We left it at that.
The day ended for me at 12:00 midnight when I retired to my ice cold bed. There's a space heater in there they had bought for me but I had it in my head that they didn't want me to use it continuously. So I froze throughout the night. I got up for a cigarette at around 2:00AM and found Denise and Logan talking together on the sofa. I left them alone. Their conversation stopped as I entered the room so I guessed it was private. I returned to my cold bed and slept with my head under the covers to use my breath to warm the inside. I fell asleep at around 2:30AM.
Thursday, December 24 the network came up again. I woke up at 12:00 noon. Everybody else was up. I complained about the cold in the bedroom and was informed I could leave the heater on all night if I wanted to. I felt a little embarrassed at having not understood this. There was some talk about going into the city to visit a museum. I was reluctant and I sensed this (or I think I did) in Denise and Logan, too. My brother reminded us that we didn't have a lot of time left to visit the city and that we should seriously consider going to a museum today. I complained that I wasn't up for it. I said that it was already 12:00 noon so we wouldn't be able to see much after the long commute, anyway. I suggested that we get an early start tomorrow, instead. Everybody agreed with this (I think).
I said I was tired and wanted to go back to bed. I got a lecture from my brother about not being able to get to sleep early enough in order to get up early the next day to go to the city if I took a nap. I assured him that my meds would put me down no matter what hour I decided to go to sleep. So he left me in the bedroom (with the heater on) and I fell immediately into a deep and comfortable sleep. He said he would be in to wake me in two hours if I wasn't up by then. I woke up on my own after 1-½ hours. He had left a note on the keypad of my iPad telling me that they went out to the store and a movie and should be back at around 6:00PM so I was again in my comfort zone of being alone. I did the dishes. The hot water was off in the apartment so I mentioned this to my brother when he returned.
I got a call from Ilene. We talked for about 45 minutes. I told her about my fears of being around people, even my own family. I have a fear of personal interaction and feel uncomfortable in social settings. I always feel like I should engage in a dynamic I do not understand. She assured me that I didn't have to worry about it because all people have a similar discomfort around people they do not completely understand. She reminded me of my social isolation and the fact that my interaction skills have atrophied after ten years of neglect. I told her I was feeling paranoid, that my chest was feeling constricted and my breathing shallow. She recommended that I tell everybody that I needed down time every once in a while. I should use these moments for getting my breathing under control by relaxing and taking deep breaths. I told her about how uncomfortable I felt when a disagreement between Randy and Denise ensued. I hate confrontation, certainly when it involves me but also when I am simply an observer. She reminded me of my problems with this earlier in my life. I complained about how Randy and Logan treat Denise like a servant girl. She told me that it could be that it was a role Denise felt comfortable in. It might offend my personal sensibilities but I was not in a position to judge. I talked with her about my uneasiness with being in such a large city as New York. She assured me that I was perfectly capable of finding myself around. She added that even if only I wanted to go out tomorrow I should do so. She grew up in New York and gave me advice on finding the Guggenheim and Metropolitan art museums. She said that I view a trip by myself to be an adventure. The session ended and I felt much better. I decided to try and convince everybody to leave early with me tomorrow but if I failed I would go it alone.
I got a call from my brother. They had a flat tire on the way home and were waiting for AAA to come and change it for them. So I guessed they would be back later than 6:00PM. I reminded myself to take a dose of Klonopin which I have been taking often since coming here. I felt it eases the tension in me and keeps my depression and paranoia in check.
My brother, Denise and Logan finally arrived home at around 7:30PM. It turns out they never went to the movies but went shopping instead. Apparently Randy and Logan spent a lot of time in Barnes and Nobles. There was a bit of uproar as everybody piled in. I had tried once again tried to watch The Legend of Hercules and got further into it but not all the way before they returned. It really is a bad movie but I wanted to watch it anyway. Denise made keobasa sausage and pierogis which were delicious. Logan didn't join us; he went to bed. Randy decided to play some music so we all got to listen to Queen at a volume that made it impossible to converse.
We made plans to visit the Guggenheim the following day which made it important to get up early. I got a lecture from Randy about getting to bed no later than 12:00 midnight so that I would have time to wake up to get ready. I got a bit testy. I don't like getting told how to conduct my sleeping habits. I made a point of telling him that I was planning to go to bed at 10:00PM, anyway, and would probably be up before everyone else. He persisted with his lecture and I became quietly enraged. Fortunately, 10:00PM rolled around, I took my meds and was asleep within ten minutes.
Thursday, December 24 I woke up at 6:00AM barely able to walk. I crawled out of bed, falling down as I do when I have a "falling down" fit. It took me about ten minutes to get to the toilet and back. I went back to sleep and awoke at 7:00AM and was somewhat better. I went to bed and awoke at 8:00AM and was collected enough to go out and have a cigarette. I toyed with the idea of staying up and shaving but decided to go to bed, instead. I awoke at 10:00AM just as everyone else had and was completely recovered. I didn't shave but decided to take a shower.
Denise, Logan and I left to visit the Guggenheim at around 11:00AM. Randy didn't come along. He said he had work to do. He dropped us off at the train station where we caught the train into Penn station. We tried to find our way to the subways and/or bus that would take us to the museum. Logan hailed us a cab which was a lot less trouble. I paid for the cab. We spent a good part of the day until 4:00PM during which Logan was bored out of his mind. For my part I enjoyed the show, an exhibition of the "Zero" movement, immensely. After having traversed the entire museum Logan and I collected our coats and his bag which Denise had checked. Suitably clad for the raining afternoon Logan again hailed us a cab and took us to the Katz deli, which had been recommended my the upstairs landlord Rodney. We had enormous sandwiches, I had a pastrami sandwich that upon first inspection did not look like something I could manage to eat entirely. But I amazingly managed to eat the whole thing downed by a vanilla cream soda. I ordered a sandwich to go for Randy and we all left into the rain again. We crossed the street on the advice of the check-out girl to catch a cab which Logan, again, hailed for us. We got to Penn station just in time to catch the train back to Huntington. Denise tried in vain to contact Randy to come and fetch us. So we took a cab from the station home. We found Randy sitting on the floor of the living room wrapping presents.I don't know what happened to his phone…
Wednesday, December 25 I woke up at 11:30AM. I was having trouble, falling down backwards. I fell once, backward, against the back of the door of Randy and Denise's closed bedroom door and damaged the moulding. Amazingly I did not wake anyone. It's a "falling down backwards" while walking problem. I was able to get to the bathroom without a problem but almost fell down upon entering the kitchen. Once while at the top of the stairs I fell down backward against the outer door but did not disturb Denise who was in the kitchen nor do damage to the door. I have to be extra careful, I could have fallen down without anyone hearing me. I was alone in the apartment, well not really alone, everybody was sleeping except Denise who woke up after I had arisen. They had hosted a Christmas party until late into the night but I was too pooped to attend after having spent all day at the Guggenheim. I made a brief showing towards the end of the party, long enough to say goodbye to Rodney, the landlord. Randy and Denise had graciously invited John, a guy who rents a room from Rodney upstairs, to come down and join the festivities. John has no family in the area and was alone for the holiday. It seemed to me in my sleep-befuddled mind that everyone was having a good time. I stayed just long enough to be polite before heading back to bed with a Temazapan under my belt to help me sleep. I took out my carry-on bag under the chair in front of of Denise's computer to get the drug. I needed to dig it out which pissed off Logan who was using the computer to play video games. But it soon passed after I explained what and why I was doing it. We planned to stay the whole day in the apartment today celebrating Christmas together. I couldn't wait to open presents!
I could see all of them under the tree and was eager to get on with Christmas. Everyone finally woke up except for Logan. Randy was eager to get the ball rolling and woke up Logan who wanted to keep sleeping. Why he wasn't excited about getting up to open presents is a mystery to me.
As is customary in our family we started by opening our stocking presents. I got a pile of different chocolates and a very useful utility tool small enough to fit in my pants pocket. Everybody got the Swiss Army Knives I had left in their stockings and were thankful for them. Everyone also got a pile of chocolate. Denise got a beautiful amethyst necklace and matching earrings. I also got a nifty little pepper grinder.
Anyway, we had collected in the living room when the festivities began. We tore into the large presents under the tree. I thought we had agreed to not give presents this year so I had brought nothing with me from San Francisco. But no one seemed to care so I felt relieved. I received a wonderful black fleece sweater. Denise gave me an ancestry,com DNA testing kit to further determine my ancestry, I also got a cup warmer that I can keep by the side of my computer at home. My big gift was a very expensive, high-end electric shaver. I expect I will be able to use it every day without irritating my skin. It has five cutting blades and a charger and it can be cleaned using ordinary soap and water. I am immensely impressed and grateful. Denise set it up for me while I took a nap. I'm hoping I have room in my luggage for my gifts.
Thursday, December 26 I woke up before everyone else with a "backward fall" fit. I fell once against the door to the bedroom but did not wake anyone up. I stayed up an hour or so during which I went out into the freezing cold to have a cigarette two times.
I woke up from my nap before Randy and Logan. My falling down fit had vanished. We had decided to take naps to prepare us for a late showing of, "The Interview," a controversial film said to have been punished by a North Korea hack into Sony. North Korea vehemently denies that they made the hack and I agree. I think the hacker or hackers spooked the IP address of its origin to seem like it came from North Korea. Sony had decided to not show the movie, which is a parody of North Korea, but recently relented. So we are all going to see its debut at a local theater.
Unfortunately for me I had a "falling Down and Fading" fit as we sat down in the theater. I tried as hard as I could to keep my eyes opened and focus on the movie. I could hear people laughing around me so I know it must have been very funny. I asked Denise for the keys to the car so I could lie down in it. she retorted that it would be idiotic for me to do do because I would freeze. So she got the keys from Logan and drove me home where she helped me get undressed and into bed. I deeply regret having interrupted the movie for her. She drove back to the movie theater to pick up Logan and bring him home.
Friday. December 26 We traveled upstate and at the night I found myself at the Stone Bridge Bed & Breakfast Inn in Highland, in upstate New York not far from New Paltz where I grew up. We drove up from Long Island to indulge my Brother an Denise's nostalgia for New Platz and its environs. I quickly found to to my relief that they had Internet connectivity although it took a good ten minutes to get connected. Logon wasn’t able to get his PC to work on the network. I for one am able to check my email and write in real time in my diary. I spent a horrible night on a folding metal bed in the ready room off of Logan's suite. He got the queen size bed and I got this little metal monstrosity. I had a very bad falling down episode last night in which Logan helped me but ultimately called his father to help. Between the two of them they were able to get my wet underpants off of me, which I had peed in, to the bathroom toilet. This happened three times last night. Randy gave me a pair of his underpants to wear. Fortunately no wet mark had been left in the bed. I was able to arrive at breakfast that began at 8:00AM sharp and ended at 10:00AM. I had a mediocre meal that was for the most part cold. Randy and Denise left to do laundry. I didn't know what else was on the agenda and was apprehensive about it. I was dead tired from last night's ordeal.
Saturday December 27 It was 5:40PM when I went out for a cigarette after having showered, Denise was in the commons area and told me we would all be going out to dinner. I dreaded this experience. I think we were meeting friends of her's at a restaurant in New Paltz. Randy bailed on us; he was sleeping like he always does in the middle of the day. His sciatica nerve was bothering him. We met with some old friends of Denise including someone I knew from high school, Jerry Silverman. We had lunch at an old hangout called P&G's. I had a hamburger which was very good and as far as I could tell had no MSG in it. We hung around for a while talking about currents past and present. As always I was mostly quiet, preferring to let the others talk. I had a pretty good time despite my misgivings. After about an 1-½ hours the party broke up and we all said goodbyes in the parking lot. All in all it was a very good time.
We went back to the B&B where Randy was asleep and Logan playing his game. I spent about two hours talking with Denise in the commons room. The talk was congenial but I soon had to go to sleep. I went out for my final cigarette of the evening and nearly froze to death. After this I bade Denise a good night and retired to bed.
Sunday, December 28 I had made every preparation I could think of in the event I had a falling down episode. I drank as little water as possible. I left the bathroom door open and the light to it on. I left the toilet seat down. I cleared the path to it of all possible obstacles. I took a Klonopin to calm my racing mind and fell asleep. Sometime in the middle of the night I woke up and without difficult made it to the bathroom. I thought this is it. I finally made it work. But it was not to be. Later that night I woke up completely out of control. I called out to Logon to go get his father. Randy showed up but by then I was lying in a pool of piss. Randy and Logan pulled me off the floor and got me on the toilet where I was able to pass whatever little piss I had in me. I crashed off of the toilet and they came in and picked me up. My brother changed my underpants for me and got me back into bed.
Monday, December 29 It was early in the morning when I was awakened by my brother who brought me food and Denise me some tea. We had to check out soon and I was unable to coherently pack. They did this for me and helped me to the car. I slept much of the way home asleep while Logan drove. Once home they carried my stuff into the apartment where I was alert enough to unpack and set up my iPad. We had a lovely dinner of chicken parmesan delivered to us while Denis and and Logan were out buying groceries. They delivered so much that a single order was enough for four people. Afterward we watched a movie called, "The Maze," from amazon.com. Randy went to bed early while Logan rushed to finish his game when Rodney announced that the network was going down for about four hours, He agreed to wait until he heard from us before bringing down. This gave Logan time to finish his video game. Denise and I sat up a while talking.
Tuesday, December 30 I had a most horrific night. I fell down not only once but twice. Both times I had to wake Logan to get his father to help me along with me. I peed all over myself and the bed and on the way to the bathroom. Randy had to help me get on toilet twice along with Logan once. I wet the bed so thoroughly that I suggested that they lay down towels where I slept in case it happened again. I mumbled all of this through my dry mouth. They did so and I wet the bed a little in the morning around 8:30AM until from sheer force of my will I managed to make it to the toilet on my own. By 9:00AM I was awake enough to make myself some hot choco and continue writing in my journal. I was exhausted but made plans to follow Logan into the city to a comic book store and then see the movie Selma afterward. I did not want to let him down. After all, he followed me to the Guggenheim where he was extremely bored. But because I was so tired from the night of hell I had survived Denise decided to take Logan into the city herself without me.
Wednesday, December 31 Denise decided to test the DNA kit on me in the morning. After having just a cup of tea and smoked a cigarette I was unable to summon up the required amount of spit necessary. So we decided to send in the vial with almost the required amount. Logan woke up in the meantime and took a shower and decided to use Denise's iPad for some reason instead of his regular gaming computer (Denise's.) Randy woke up some time later in a terrible mood from having caught a cold. He sat Denise down and demanded that she fulfill some chores that she had previously forgotten or put off. I went out to smoke a cigarette to avoid any confrontation. Things were tense in the apartment when I returned with my brother cursing at his computer and everybody staying out of his way (me included.) I asked him how he felt but got no answer. So I decided to not push the issue. Unfortunately he had taken away my Klonopin and my Diazipan. He said that I abuse them and he probably thought that they were the cause of my falling down problem. He said he would give them back to me at the airport. I can't wait that long. I need them ahead of time to quell my terror of flying. I asked for his attention to talk about it and he said he would give it to me for fifteen minutes of his time.
I never got fifteen minutes of his time. He started ranting at me instead. Apparently he lost his consulting job some weeks ago which I didn't know. He ranted and raved about the pressure he was under. I wanted more than ever a Klonopin. He said that Denise had heard me talking to that "bitch" Yaffa about how cramped the apartment was. She had probably heard me talking to my psychologist Ilene. He had gone through my medication. He claimed that the Klonopin was responsible for my falling down at night and my incontinence. He became enraged and forced his face against mine. He screamed that he had given them to Denise to hold in her purse. He accused me of always having been a liar and a slacker. That I had fooled my therapist. I was terrified. I thought he was going to attack me physically. I went into the bedroom and packed my suitcase and carry-on luggage (minus the Valium and Klonopin) and put on my coat and strapped my bag against me in case he tried to take something else from me. I planned a quick getaway, leaving my suitcase behind me me if necessary. I considered taking everything up to the landlord's house and asking him to call me a cab to the airport where I would buy a ticket myself. But I was afraid of his reaction. He really was threatening me with force. I tried talking to him calmly but this further enraged him. He threatened to smash my cellphone. I clammed up. I left the living room with my bag strapped to me and went into the bedroom to lie down.
After a while he came in and asked me if I wanted to watch a movie. We were unable to get a picture so I suggested that maybe something was unplugged. Sure enough, the TV cable was loose. We watched some stupid action movie while he offered me munchies. I declined and took a Dr. Pepper, instead. I went out to have a cigarette and returned to him cursing violently at his computer. He informed me that he planned to sue the consulting company that had placed against him even if it took all of his 401K. He didn't care if they had an army of lawyers he was going to sue anyway. After this rant and furious typing at his keyboard, swearing all the time he finally returned to the movie. We watched it to its end. He left me alone. I still kept my bag close to me. I went to the bathroom several times and for a cigarette but he ignored me. I sat through this trembling with fear. He acted as if nothing had happened.
Denise and Logan returned from the comic book store and a show. Denise knew right away that something was wrong when she saw me loaded up ready to escape. She had stopped by the store and among other things bought me a pack of male, "Depends," that is, male diapers. So I went into the bathroom to put one on. She showed up later in the bedroom with a single Klonopin that Randy had said I could take. I tuned it down telling her that Randy thought it was responsible for my falling down and incontinence. I had planned to spend the night in my clothes with my bag clutched closely to me. but Denise convinced me to take it off and my coat and my shoes. My brother came raging in and pinned me against the bed and screaming in my face that he was going to sue my doctors. He yelled in my face that it was the combination of drugs that was my problem, not just one. He accused my doctors of not talking with one another. He screamed incoherently about other things I now forget. After several terrible eternal minutes he left. Denise was in the room as was Logan but neither dared interfere. He finally released me and stormed out of the room, still yelling at me and assuring me that he was going to sue that, “Lesbian bitch who had me under her thumb."
Denise gently removed my bag to the rest of my luggage and undressed me for bed. She made the bed for me. I had taken my psych medications early and was beginning to lose my balance. She followed me up the stairs to the stoop where I could I could smoke before undressing me. I was able to negotiate the stairs back down to their basement apartment. I was led by her to bed where I fell into an immediate sleep.
Despite not having taken a Klonopin before bed I fell down out of bed and peed my depends. My brother helped me to the bathroom and asked if I was done. I was so uptight I thought I was. But fifteen minutes I had to go again. My brother was mad and asked me why I had I said I was done the first time. I simply replied I had to go again. Once again I put on a pair of new depends and went to bed. I slept through the night without incident.
Two hours later my alarm went off at 6:00AM which was three hours before we had to go. I explained to Denise that I needed time to orient myself. So I stumbled around the apartment, falling two or three times. Eventually I was able to walk with some semblance of normalcy. Denise was cooking in the kitchen and asked me if I wanted a breakfast sandwich. I declined. From the living room I heard my brother, who had also arisen, say sarcastically that he would eat mine and I could starve. Denise retorted that she was making his at the time. That shut him up with a grunt. I went out into the freezing cold for a cigarette. I ignored them and went into the bedroom to finishing packing. Logan took out the suitcases up to the driveway because I was still shaky. Denise gave me a big hug and insisted on taking up my carry on bag so that she could say goodbye to her son. But Logan was already strapped in so she didn't get to give him a hug. I got strapped in with the help of Denise and off we went in the airport shuttle. At no time had my brother made an appearance even to say goodbye to his son or me.
The irony of the whole falling down episodes was almost certainly due to my new sleeping medication, Temazepam. I had just been prescribed for it and started taking it before my trip to New York. So taking away my Klonopin and Valium was pointless. It was also pointless because I practically never use Valium and only take Klonopin when I am nervous during the day. I don’t use either medication on a regular basis and certainly not as a sleep medication. But apparently Denise had found something on the web that said Klonopin caused falling down. If they had just asked me about my habits taking it a lot of fuss would have been avoided. Taking medication away from a mentally disabled person is terrifying. They should have talked about it with me first instead of secretly going through my medication and hiding it from me. That was a terrible invasion of my privacy. Finally, bullying a person because of their illness and the inconvenience it caused was way out of line. A little compassion would have helped immensely.
I finally arrived home in Alameda where Logan promptly took a shower and left to stay at his friend's house. I called Yaffa and related the whole bitter business of the end of the trip topped off by my brother's threats. She was very reassuring and I was unable to unload on her. She reminded me that my brother couldn't be trusted and that she had always said that. Well, the lesson has sunk home now. I m going to refuse to have anything to do with him in the future except superficially.
Friday December 18 My nephew Logan and I arrived in New York after a trip that started Thursday afternoon from San Francisco on a flight that lasted about four hours. I had very diligently taken two Klonopins before the flight so I was not so terrified of flying as I usually am. Because of jet lag I had trouble getting to sleep until about 1:30. I finally managed to sleep on a comfortable blow up bed that my brother had bought for me along with and one for my nephew Logan and set up in my brother Randy and my sister-in-law Denise's large bedroom. I slept fitfully. Because of my fear of not being able to sleep I decided to take an extra Temazepam, which gave me horrific nightmares. But I was able to survive and woke up around 1:00PM.
Saturday December 19 We hung around R&D's apartment before leaving to see the Radio City Hall Rockettes Christmas show. We took the Long Island railroad into the NYC Penn station from where we took a cab to Radio City Hall. I was sitting in the back with Denise and Logan while Randy sat in the front with the driver, chatting amicably with him as his gregarious personality allows him. It was unbelievably packed in the lobby when we arrived and I was bewildered by the crowd of people in what must have been a huge concession area. I was able to secure a box of Pop Tarts and Randy bought me a package of Twizzlers. (I didn't eat them; we brought them home. But now I don't know what has become of them. They were on the kitchen table when I came home) Finally the time came and we filed along with everybody else into the theater where Denise had managed to secure orchestra seats that enabled us a wonderful view of the show. The performance was terrific. Afterward it was impossible to catch a cab back to the train so we had to walk about thirteen blocks to the train station. I lost one of my gloves in the theater so one of my hands froze while we trekked to the station. There we found that we had to wait a hour for the train until 1:05AM. We ate some pizza while waiting which was very good. After this we waited for the train on the platform, watching the arrival board anxiously for the track on which our train would arrive. It finally came and we boarded it. I was crowded uncomfortably between Logan and Denise where I boiled in my coat and was exceedingly annoyed. As an afterthought, I should have taken my coat off or moved to one of the many empty seats on the train. After an interminable trip we arrived at Huntington station, the end of the line of the train. Randy drove us back to the apartment. I was so unsettled I took a Klonopin. I went to sleep at 1:30AM.
Sunday December 20 I was completely incapable to walk in the morning, having a falling down fit, and unable to follow along to the afternoon matinee of Book of Mormon. So I had an afternoon alone by myself which I found very comfortable. I am best when I am alone. I watched some college football on TV which I found completely enjoyable because not having cable TV myself I am unable to watch live sports. Randy, Denise and Logan came back from the show later that afternoon. They seemed a little grim to me. Perhaps it was because I had missed the show or for some other reason. My ticket did not go wasted, however. I am sad I missed the broadway play of the Book of Mormon which I understand is very funny. But what could I do? I was falling down. I had no time to sleep it off. So I had to be left behind. They had given my ticket to the upstairs neighbor who also owns the house. So he accompanied them instead of me.
Monday December 21 My brother went to sleep leaving Denise, Logan and myself to ourselves. We talked for a while and decided to go see the third installment of the Hobbit. It was in 3-D and we all enjoyed it immensely. We stopped off at a deli along the way that had a dazzling variety of meats, cheeses, knishes and other delicacies. I ordered a bagel with cream cheese and lox. It was delicious. After the movie we returned to the apartment where Randy made a brief appearance and complained about the lack of milk and his favorite apple cider in the refrigerator. So after a teeny bit of quarreling he went back to bed and Denise, Logan and I went to a local supermarket to buy them and other things. Logon found Dr. Brown's Cream Soda and pointed it out to me. Denise bought it along with a lot of other stuff so I was able to enjoy my favorite soda. One the way back I began fading that is, losing my balance and equilibrium. Logan recognized this in me and told me to wait by the side of the car while he and his mother loaded the groceries into it. I did this, leaning with my butt against the car feeling the strength in my legs slowly drift away. I think Denise was bewildered by this, not having seen the full onset of this problem in me before. Logan helped me into the car and fastened my seat belt for me. Back at the apartment Denise and Logan unloaded all of the groceries while I managed to stumble my way across the flagstones that lead to the entrance of their apartment. I somehow negotiated the steep steps down to where they live and practically fell in the kitchen. Logan caught me. Randy and Logan helped me unclothe and get me into bed. I tried twice to get up to go to the bathroom during the night. Randy and Logan helped me the first time and Randy alone the second. Randy brought me donuts to eat in bed while he made sure I remained in an upright position. Fortunately for me, everybody had decided to stay up late so I wasn't waking anybody up. As is usually the case, I regained my balance as time went by.
I was not so crowded in this one bedroom apartment as I expected. Everybody managed to stay out of each other's way. As usual I was more comfortable alone. I found it difficult to socialize with my family. I tried to stick to politics which everyone had an opinion about. The big thing in my life is therapy and my mental disorders which I cannot share because it makes everyone uneasy. Logon stuck to himself, playing computer games on his mother's computer or on his phone. Every once in a while he engaged in conversation. I noticed that he regressed into being his parent's teenage son instead of the (more or less) mature young man I know him to be from living with him on the weekends. Denise talked about a variety of things including her family and friends with whom she maintains constant contact with. I listened thoughtfully, interjecting occasional confirmations as the occasion permitted. I am a wallflower and as always afraid to initiate conversation myself. Sometimes I would mention something about the weather or other innocuous thing. Randy was mostly silent and talked about what we were going to do. He has grown heavier from eating all of the rich food the area provides. Both Denise and myself are worried about this but there's nothing we can do about it. I am thinking about having a heart-to-heart talk about it with him but don't know when to do it. I am also afraid of how he will react. As always I am afraid of confrontation but need to suppress this for his own good.
Speaking of the weather it was bitter cold outside. It began to rain slightly on the way to the supermarket and Denise became scared about driving in it and in the dark. But we made it there in one piece. Logan drove us back home. I expected the rain to worsen the cold but it did not. The bitterness of the cold disappeared. I guess the rain cloud kept the heat in like the greenhouse effect. But the rain did freeze on the ground making it slippery with ice. Logan was especially concerned about me slipping and hurting myself. Denise picked up on this and told me to walk on the gravel next to the flagstones back to the apartment which provided better traction. I am very grateful for this. During the day the cold became manageable but at night was very bitter. I brought a whole carton of cigarettes with me but at the slow rate I was smoking because of the cold it was unlikely I would make much of a dent in it. I missed my lost glove but Denise promised to take me to a Walgreens or CVS pharmacy to get new gloves. In this weather I could hardly wait. I am so glad I bought a beanie cap which I wear at all times when outside. There's no snow yet and none predicted which is, I suppose, a good thing. Except from the iciness the rain is a warm comfort compared to the 30 degree cold. I'll never complain again about the cold 55 degree days we sometimes get in San Francisco.
Tuesday, December 22 We got back from a shopping trip to a very upscale mall. I was dazzled by the stores--all high end designer stores for the most part. I bought a new pair of gloves to replace the one I lost. I also bought a nice present for Yaffa and one for Dorit. They were inexpensive; I didn’t have a lot of money to spend. There were a couple of ladies wrapping presents in the mall for some charity so I had their presents wrapped in Hanukah paper for a small donation. They're not large but will take up room in my already crowded suitcase. I hope they survive the trip back home.
The network went down so none of us had anything to do. Randy napped and Denise used her iPad for something. Logan was sprawled out on the sofa reading. I tried to find something to watch on TV. Otherwise it was pretty quiet n the apartment.
I found a hockey game to watch. Logan was a little put out but I ignored him. He asked me, "Since when do you watch hockey?" I responded that I like watching sports of any kind. The truth is that hockey is low on my list but I love watching live sports. I don't have cable television so it's a treat to watch them. I laid down on the sofa and sort of half-dozed while listening to the game, becoming alert only when the announcers sounded excited suggesting that a goal had been made or almost made. I had been awake since 5:30AM and was a little tired. Logan asked me if I was actually watching the game and I told him I was but I was also dozing. Logan retreated to the bedroom where my brother was already sleeping. Denise I talked a bit with me before she, too, went to lie down. So I was left alone for a while which suited me just fine.
Wednesday, December 23 We hung around the apartment. After a while I switched the game I was watching (whatever that was) off and searched for something to watch on HBO. I found, "The Legend of Hercules." I guess it's a crummy movie but I hadn't seen it. Logan and Denise appeared and were not entirely aghast my selection but in so many words indicated displeasure. So we searched for something else to watch. I don't remember what now. I was disappointed but kept my feelings to myself and put up no fight to watch my movie. I laid down for a while and when I woke up my brother was in the living room working on his computer. The TV was off. We watched the Best of Saturday Night Live later in the evening. I have no recollection of what transpired between the time I was talking with my brother and the appearance of Denise and Logan. I found the show moderately funny. After that we watched a Bill Maher stand-up comedy show which was hilarious. Our group often laughed out loud. But in my restrained tendency I only chuckled. We had pizza delivered for dinner along with an antipasto salad and some sort of backed dish. The pizza was delicious. Probably because it contained MSG, judging by my allergic reaction to it. It came on after I had finished my second and last slice. I meant to ask my brother for an allergy pill from his hoard but forgot.
I called and left a message for for my psychologist Ilene to set up an appointment by phone at my usual time on Wednesday at 10:00AM. I called her back about an hour later when I realized that Wednesday was Christmas Eve and she would be off from work. I cancelled the appointment which could not have happened anyway. Somehow or another my brother must have heard me through the bedroom door. So he sat me down on the sofa and had a "heart-to-heart" talk with me. He wanted to know why I felt it necessary to talk with my therapist. I was taken aback. I felt awkward. Denise was in the kitchen and could overhear us. I simply said that I was used to talking with her and that there wasn't anything else to it. Of course I am suffering from such close proximity to people and I am lost in a sea of despair about how to deal with the social dynamic. He assured me that I could talk with him about anything if I felt the need to do so. He asked if I was having problems. I am always having problems but told him I was OK. We left it at that.
The day ended for me at 12:00 midnight when I retired to my ice cold bed. There's a space heater in there they had bought for me but I had it in my head that they didn't want me to use it continuously. So I froze throughout the night. I got up for a cigarette at around 2:00AM and found Denise and Logan talking together on the sofa. I left them alone. Their conversation stopped as I entered the room so I guessed it was private. I returned to my cold bed and slept with my head under the covers to use my breath to warm the inside. I fell asleep at around 2:30AM.
Thursday, December 24 the network came up again. I woke up at 12:00 noon. Everybody else was up. I complained about the cold in the bedroom and was informed I could leave the heater on all night if I wanted to. I felt a little embarrassed at having not understood this. There was some talk about going into the city to visit a museum. I was reluctant and I sensed this (or I think I did) in Denise and Logan, too. My brother reminded us that we didn't have a lot of time left to visit the city and that we should seriously consider going to a museum today. I complained that I wasn't up for it. I said that it was already 12:00 noon so we wouldn't be able to see much after the long commute, anyway. I suggested that we get an early start tomorrow, instead. Everybody agreed with this (I think).
I said I was tired and wanted to go back to bed. I got a lecture from my brother about not being able to get to sleep early enough in order to get up early the next day to go to the city if I took a nap. I assured him that my meds would put me down no matter what hour I decided to go to sleep. So he left me in the bedroom (with the heater on) and I fell immediately into a deep and comfortable sleep. He said he would be in to wake me in two hours if I wasn't up by then. I woke up on my own after 1-½ hours. He had left a note on the keypad of my iPad telling me that they went out to the store and a movie and should be back at around 6:00PM so I was again in my comfort zone of being alone. I did the dishes. The hot water was off in the apartment so I mentioned this to my brother when he returned.
I got a call from Ilene. We talked for about 45 minutes. I told her about my fears of being around people, even my own family. I have a fear of personal interaction and feel uncomfortable in social settings. I always feel like I should engage in a dynamic I do not understand. She assured me that I didn't have to worry about it because all people have a similar discomfort around people they do not completely understand. She reminded me of my social isolation and the fact that my interaction skills have atrophied after ten years of neglect. I told her I was feeling paranoid, that my chest was feeling constricted and my breathing shallow. She recommended that I tell everybody that I needed down time every once in a while. I should use these moments for getting my breathing under control by relaxing and taking deep breaths. I told her about how uncomfortable I felt when a disagreement between Randy and Denise ensued. I hate confrontation, certainly when it involves me but also when I am simply an observer. She reminded me of my problems with this earlier in my life. I complained about how Randy and Logan treat Denise like a servant girl. She told me that it could be that it was a role Denise felt comfortable in. It might offend my personal sensibilities but I was not in a position to judge. I talked with her about my uneasiness with being in such a large city as New York. She assured me that I was perfectly capable of finding myself around. She added that even if only I wanted to go out tomorrow I should do so. She grew up in New York and gave me advice on finding the Guggenheim and Metropolitan art museums. She said that I view a trip by myself to be an adventure. The session ended and I felt much better. I decided to try and convince everybody to leave early with me tomorrow but if I failed I would go it alone.
I got a call from my brother. They had a flat tire on the way home and were waiting for AAA to come and change it for them. So I guessed they would be back later than 6:00PM. I reminded myself to take a dose of Klonopin which I have been taking often since coming here. I felt it eases the tension in me and keeps my depression and paranoia in check.
My brother, Denise and Logan finally arrived home at around 7:30PM. It turns out they never went to the movies but went shopping instead. Apparently Randy and Logan spent a lot of time in Barnes and Nobles. There was a bit of uproar as everybody piled in. I had tried once again tried to watch The Legend of Hercules and got further into it but not all the way before they returned. It really is a bad movie but I wanted to watch it anyway. Denise made keobasa sausage and pierogis which were delicious. Logan didn't join us; he went to bed. Randy decided to play some music so we all got to listen to Queen at a volume that made it impossible to converse.
We made plans to visit the Guggenheim the following day which made it important to get up early. I got a lecture from Randy about getting to bed no later than 12:00 midnight so that I would have time to wake up to get ready. I got a bit testy. I don't like getting told how to conduct my sleeping habits. I made a point of telling him that I was planning to go to bed at 10:00PM, anyway, and would probably be up before everyone else. He persisted with his lecture and I became quietly enraged. Fortunately, 10:00PM rolled around, I took my meds and was asleep within ten minutes.
Thursday, December 24 I woke up at 6:00AM barely able to walk. I crawled out of bed, falling down as I do when I have a "falling down" fit. It took me about ten minutes to get to the toilet and back. I went back to sleep and awoke at 7:00AM and was somewhat better. I went to bed and awoke at 8:00AM and was collected enough to go out and have a cigarette. I toyed with the idea of staying up and shaving but decided to go to bed, instead. I awoke at 10:00AM just as everyone else had and was completely recovered. I didn't shave but decided to take a shower.
Denise, Logan and I left to visit the Guggenheim at around 11:00AM. Randy didn't come along. He said he had work to do. He dropped us off at the train station where we caught the train into Penn station. We tried to find our way to the subways and/or bus that would take us to the museum. Logan hailed us a cab which was a lot less trouble. I paid for the cab. We spent a good part of the day until 4:00PM during which Logan was bored out of his mind. For my part I enjoyed the show, an exhibition of the "Zero" movement, immensely. After having traversed the entire museum Logan and I collected our coats and his bag which Denise had checked. Suitably clad for the raining afternoon Logan again hailed us a cab and took us to the Katz deli, which had been recommended my the upstairs landlord Rodney. We had enormous sandwiches, I had a pastrami sandwich that upon first inspection did not look like something I could manage to eat entirely. But I amazingly managed to eat the whole thing downed by a vanilla cream soda. I ordered a sandwich to go for Randy and we all left into the rain again. We crossed the street on the advice of the check-out girl to catch a cab which Logan, again, hailed for us. We got to Penn station just in time to catch the train back to Huntington. Denise tried in vain to contact Randy to come and fetch us. So we took a cab from the station home. We found Randy sitting on the floor of the living room wrapping presents.I don't know what happened to his phone…
Wednesday, December 25 I woke up at 11:30AM. I was having trouble, falling down backwards. I fell once, backward, against the back of the door of Randy and Denise's closed bedroom door and damaged the moulding. Amazingly I did not wake anyone. It's a "falling down backwards" while walking problem. I was able to get to the bathroom without a problem but almost fell down upon entering the kitchen. Once while at the top of the stairs I fell down backward against the outer door but did not disturb Denise who was in the kitchen nor do damage to the door. I have to be extra careful, I could have fallen down without anyone hearing me. I was alone in the apartment, well not really alone, everybody was sleeping except Denise who woke up after I had arisen. They had hosted a Christmas party until late into the night but I was too pooped to attend after having spent all day at the Guggenheim. I made a brief showing towards the end of the party, long enough to say goodbye to Rodney, the landlord. Randy and Denise had graciously invited John, a guy who rents a room from Rodney upstairs, to come down and join the festivities. John has no family in the area and was alone for the holiday. It seemed to me in my sleep-befuddled mind that everyone was having a good time. I stayed just long enough to be polite before heading back to bed with a Temazapan under my belt to help me sleep. I took out my carry-on bag under the chair in front of of Denise's computer to get the drug. I needed to dig it out which pissed off Logan who was using the computer to play video games. But it soon passed after I explained what and why I was doing it. We planned to stay the whole day in the apartment today celebrating Christmas together. I couldn't wait to open presents!
I could see all of them under the tree and was eager to get on with Christmas. Everyone finally woke up except for Logan. Randy was eager to get the ball rolling and woke up Logan who wanted to keep sleeping. Why he wasn't excited about getting up to open presents is a mystery to me.
As is customary in our family we started by opening our stocking presents. I got a pile of different chocolates and a very useful utility tool small enough to fit in my pants pocket. Everybody got the Swiss Army Knives I had left in their stockings and were thankful for them. Everyone also got a pile of chocolate. Denise got a beautiful amethyst necklace and matching earrings. I also got a nifty little pepper grinder.
Anyway, we had collected in the living room when the festivities began. We tore into the large presents under the tree. I thought we had agreed to not give presents this year so I had brought nothing with me from San Francisco. But no one seemed to care so I felt relieved. I received a wonderful black fleece sweater. Denise gave me an ancestry,com DNA testing kit to further determine my ancestry, I also got a cup warmer that I can keep by the side of my computer at home. My big gift was a very expensive, high-end electric shaver. I expect I will be able to use it every day without irritating my skin. It has five cutting blades and a charger and it can be cleaned using ordinary soap and water. I am immensely impressed and grateful. Denise set it up for me while I took a nap. I'm hoping I have room in my luggage for my gifts.
Thursday, December 26 I woke up before everyone else with a "backward fall" fit. I fell once against the door to the bedroom but did not wake anyone up. I stayed up an hour or so during which I went out into the freezing cold to have a cigarette two times.
I woke up from my nap before Randy and Logan. My falling down fit had vanished. We had decided to take naps to prepare us for a late showing of, "The Interview," a controversial film said to have been punished by a North Korea hack into Sony. North Korea vehemently denies that they made the hack and I agree. I think the hacker or hackers spooked the IP address of its origin to seem like it came from North Korea. Sony had decided to not show the movie, which is a parody of North Korea, but recently relented. So we are all going to see its debut at a local theater.
Unfortunately for me I had a "falling Down and Fading" fit as we sat down in the theater. I tried as hard as I could to keep my eyes opened and focus on the movie. I could hear people laughing around me so I know it must have been very funny. I asked Denise for the keys to the car so I could lie down in it. she retorted that it would be idiotic for me to do do because I would freeze. So she got the keys from Logan and drove me home where she helped me get undressed and into bed. I deeply regret having interrupted the movie for her. She drove back to the movie theater to pick up Logan and bring him home.
Friday. December 26 We traveled upstate and at the night I found myself at the Stone Bridge Bed & Breakfast Inn in Highland, in upstate New York not far from New Paltz where I grew up. We drove up from Long Island to indulge my Brother an Denise's nostalgia for New Platz and its environs. I quickly found to to my relief that they had Internet connectivity although it took a good ten minutes to get connected. Logon wasn’t able to get his PC to work on the network. I for one am able to check my email and write in real time in my diary. I spent a horrible night on a folding metal bed in the ready room off of Logan's suite. He got the queen size bed and I got this little metal monstrosity. I had a very bad falling down episode last night in which Logan helped me but ultimately called his father to help. Between the two of them they were able to get my wet underpants off of me, which I had peed in, to the bathroom toilet. This happened three times last night. Randy gave me a pair of his underpants to wear. Fortunately no wet mark had been left in the bed. I was able to arrive at breakfast that began at 8:00AM sharp and ended at 10:00AM. I had a mediocre meal that was for the most part cold. Randy and Denise left to do laundry. I didn't know what else was on the agenda and was apprehensive about it. I was dead tired from last night's ordeal.
Saturday December 27 It was 5:40PM when I went out for a cigarette after having showered, Denise was in the commons area and told me we would all be going out to dinner. I dreaded this experience. I think we were meeting friends of her's at a restaurant in New Paltz. Randy bailed on us; he was sleeping like he always does in the middle of the day. His sciatica nerve was bothering him. We met with some old friends of Denise including someone I knew from high school, Jerry Silverman. We had lunch at an old hangout called P&G's. I had a hamburger which was very good and as far as I could tell had no MSG in it. We hung around for a while talking about currents past and present. As always I was mostly quiet, preferring to let the others talk. I had a pretty good time despite my misgivings. After about an 1-½ hours the party broke up and we all said goodbyes in the parking lot. All in all it was a very good time.
We went back to the B&B where Randy was asleep and Logan playing his game. I spent about two hours talking with Denise in the commons room. The talk was congenial but I soon had to go to sleep. I went out for my final cigarette of the evening and nearly froze to death. After this I bade Denise a good night and retired to bed.
Sunday, December 28 I had made every preparation I could think of in the event I had a falling down episode. I drank as little water as possible. I left the bathroom door open and the light to it on. I left the toilet seat down. I cleared the path to it of all possible obstacles. I took a Klonopin to calm my racing mind and fell asleep. Sometime in the middle of the night I woke up and without difficult made it to the bathroom. I thought this is it. I finally made it work. But it was not to be. Later that night I woke up completely out of control. I called out to Logon to go get his father. Randy showed up but by then I was lying in a pool of piss. Randy and Logan pulled me off the floor and got me on the toilet where I was able to pass whatever little piss I had in me. I crashed off of the toilet and they came in and picked me up. My brother changed my underpants for me and got me back into bed.
Monday, December 29 It was early in the morning when I was awakened by my brother who brought me food and Denise me some tea. We had to check out soon and I was unable to coherently pack. They did this for me and helped me to the car. I slept much of the way home asleep while Logan drove. Once home they carried my stuff into the apartment where I was alert enough to unpack and set up my iPad. We had a lovely dinner of chicken parmesan delivered to us while Denis and and Logan were out buying groceries. They delivered so much that a single order was enough for four people. Afterward we watched a movie called, "The Maze," from amazon.com. Randy went to bed early while Logan rushed to finish his game when Rodney announced that the network was going down for about four hours, He agreed to wait until he heard from us before bringing down. This gave Logan time to finish his video game. Denise and I sat up a while talking.
Tuesday, December 30 I had a most horrific night. I fell down not only once but twice. Both times I had to wake Logan to get his father to help me along with me. I peed all over myself and the bed and on the way to the bathroom. Randy had to help me get on toilet twice along with Logan once. I wet the bed so thoroughly that I suggested that they lay down towels where I slept in case it happened again. I mumbled all of this through my dry mouth. They did so and I wet the bed a little in the morning around 8:30AM until from sheer force of my will I managed to make it to the toilet on my own. By 9:00AM I was awake enough to make myself some hot choco and continue writing in my journal. I was exhausted but made plans to follow Logan into the city to a comic book store and then see the movie Selma afterward. I did not want to let him down. After all, he followed me to the Guggenheim where he was extremely bored. But because I was so tired from the night of hell I had survived Denise decided to take Logan into the city herself without me.
Wednesday, December 31 Denise decided to test the DNA kit on me in the morning. After having just a cup of tea and smoked a cigarette I was unable to summon up the required amount of spit necessary. So we decided to send in the vial with almost the required amount. Logan woke up in the meantime and took a shower and decided to use Denise's iPad for some reason instead of his regular gaming computer (Denise's.) Randy woke up some time later in a terrible mood from having caught a cold. He sat Denise down and demanded that she fulfill some chores that she had previously forgotten or put off. I went out to smoke a cigarette to avoid any confrontation. Things were tense in the apartment when I returned with my brother cursing at his computer and everybody staying out of his way (me included.) I asked him how he felt but got no answer. So I decided to not push the issue. Unfortunately he had taken away my Klonopin and my Diazipan. He said that I abuse them and he probably thought that they were the cause of my falling down problem. He said he would give them back to me at the airport. I can't wait that long. I need them ahead of time to quell my terror of flying. I asked for his attention to talk about it and he said he would give it to me for fifteen minutes of his time.
I never got fifteen minutes of his time. He started ranting at me instead. Apparently he lost his consulting job some weeks ago which I didn't know. He ranted and raved about the pressure he was under. I wanted more than ever a Klonopin. He said that Denise had heard me talking to that "bitch" Yaffa about how cramped the apartment was. She had probably heard me talking to my psychologist Ilene. He had gone through my medication. He claimed that the Klonopin was responsible for my falling down at night and my incontinence. He became enraged and forced his face against mine. He screamed that he had given them to Denise to hold in her purse. He accused me of always having been a liar and a slacker. That I had fooled my therapist. I was terrified. I thought he was going to attack me physically. I went into the bedroom and packed my suitcase and carry-on luggage (minus the Valium and Klonopin) and put on my coat and strapped my bag against me in case he tried to take something else from me. I planned a quick getaway, leaving my suitcase behind me me if necessary. I considered taking everything up to the landlord's house and asking him to call me a cab to the airport where I would buy a ticket myself. But I was afraid of his reaction. He really was threatening me with force. I tried talking to him calmly but this further enraged him. He threatened to smash my cellphone. I clammed up. I left the living room with my bag strapped to me and went into the bedroom to lie down.
After a while he came in and asked me if I wanted to watch a movie. We were unable to get a picture so I suggested that maybe something was unplugged. Sure enough, the TV cable was loose. We watched some stupid action movie while he offered me munchies. I declined and took a Dr. Pepper, instead. I went out to have a cigarette and returned to him cursing violently at his computer. He informed me that he planned to sue the consulting company that had placed against him even if it took all of his 401K. He didn't care if they had an army of lawyers he was going to sue anyway. After this rant and furious typing at his keyboard, swearing all the time he finally returned to the movie. We watched it to its end. He left me alone. I still kept my bag close to me. I went to the bathroom several times and for a cigarette but he ignored me. I sat through this trembling with fear. He acted as if nothing had happened.
Denise and Logan returned from the comic book store and a show. Denise knew right away that something was wrong when she saw me loaded up ready to escape. She had stopped by the store and among other things bought me a pack of male, "Depends," that is, male diapers. So I went into the bathroom to put one on. She showed up later in the bedroom with a single Klonopin that Randy had said I could take. I tuned it down telling her that Randy thought it was responsible for my falling down and incontinence. I had planned to spend the night in my clothes with my bag clutched closely to me. but Denise convinced me to take it off and my coat and my shoes. My brother came raging in and pinned me against the bed and screaming in my face that he was going to sue my doctors. He yelled in my face that it was the combination of drugs that was my problem, not just one. He accused my doctors of not talking with one another. He screamed incoherently about other things I now forget. After several terrible eternal minutes he left. Denise was in the room as was Logan but neither dared interfere. He finally released me and stormed out of the room, still yelling at me and assuring me that he was going to sue that, “Lesbian bitch who had me under her thumb."
Denise gently removed my bag to the rest of my luggage and undressed me for bed. She made the bed for me. I had taken my psych medications early and was beginning to lose my balance. She followed me up the stairs to the stoop where I could I could smoke before undressing me. I was able to negotiate the stairs back down to their basement apartment. I was led by her to bed where I fell into an immediate sleep.
Despite not having taken a Klonopin before bed I fell down out of bed and peed my depends. My brother helped me to the bathroom and asked if I was done. I was so uptight I thought I was. But fifteen minutes I had to go again. My brother was mad and asked me why I had I said I was done the first time. I simply replied I had to go again. Once again I put on a pair of new depends and went to bed. I slept through the night without incident.
Two hours later my alarm went off at 6:00AM which was three hours before we had to go. I explained to Denise that I needed time to orient myself. So I stumbled around the apartment, falling two or three times. Eventually I was able to walk with some semblance of normalcy. Denise was cooking in the kitchen and asked me if I wanted a breakfast sandwich. I declined. From the living room I heard my brother, who had also arisen, say sarcastically that he would eat mine and I could starve. Denise retorted that she was making his at the time. That shut him up with a grunt. I went out into the freezing cold for a cigarette. I ignored them and went into the bedroom to finishing packing. Logan took out the suitcases up to the driveway because I was still shaky. Denise gave me a big hug and insisted on taking up my carry on bag so that she could say goodbye to her son. But Logan was already strapped in so she didn't get to give him a hug. I got strapped in with the help of Denise and off we went in the airport shuttle. At no time had my brother made an appearance even to say goodbye to his son or me.
The irony of the whole falling down episodes was almost certainly due to my new sleeping medication, Temazepam. I had just been prescribed for it and started taking it before my trip to New York. So taking away my Klonopin and Valium was pointless. It was also pointless because I practically never use Valium and only take Klonopin when I am nervous during the day. I don’t use either medication on a regular basis and certainly not as a sleep medication. But apparently Denise had found something on the web that said Klonopin caused falling down. If they had just asked me about my habits taking it a lot of fuss would have been avoided. Taking medication away from a mentally disabled person is terrifying. They should have talked about it with me first instead of secretly going through my medication and hiding it from me. That was a terrible invasion of my privacy. Finally, bullying a person because of their illness and the inconvenience it caused was way out of line. A little compassion would have helped immensely.
I finally arrived home in Alameda where Logan promptly took a shower and left to stay at his friend's house. I called Yaffa and related the whole bitter business of the end of the trip topped off by my brother's threats. She was very reassuring and I was unable to unload on her. She reminded me that my brother couldn't be trusted and that she had always said that. Well, the lesson has sunk home now. I m going to refuse to have anything to do with him in the future except superficially.
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