A Night of Hallucinations

I spent my morning as I always do by eating a cup of yogurt and drinking a glass of juice at my computor reading the Washington Post after having scanned my email.I went into my art studio at about 9:00AM to work on my painting that I call Medusa. It's a femaile torso surrounded by flaming hair, coiled in bursts of primary colors. The body will be an off-white color called Parchment and its highlights in total black. 

I received a text from Yaffa telling me it was a "Floyd Day" meaning that she and her mother were planning on visiting her brother Floyd who is permanently institutionalized in the psychiatric ward of Laguna hospital. She wanted to know if I would like to follow along as I usually do. I told her I was waiting for a workman from the complex Freedom West where I live to arrive. I did not know when they would arrive only that it would be between nine in the morning and five in the afternoon. So I couldn't make a commitment to leave at 3:00PM which is when they would depart. As it happened they arrived at 11:00. I showed them place where pigeons had decided to roost on my balcony, the plants they had destroyed and complained about their slow encroachment over my entire balcony. The workman agreed that it was a problem and that he would recommend to the office that netting be installed over the entire opening to my balcony to keep them away. I called Yaffa afterward and told her I could follow along.

We ran a couple of errands before setting out for Laguna Honda. Yaffa took me to Walgreens where I picked up my medication and turned in several prescriptions to be refilled. Then we stopped by Pet Food Express on Market street in the in the Church Street neighborhood to buy sand for Yaffa's cat box. We had Dorit with us as always so that she could visit Floyd. Yaffa decided to bring Dorit into the store so that she could see the pets for sale and help pick out a cat toy for Yaffa's cat Lynx. It's always good to get Dorit out of the apartment where she is trapped by her 90 years of age. It began to rain outside while we were in the store and because it was winter the sky was dark when we left.

We usually go to Laguna Honda from the other side of the hill that separates Market street from Fell street. So instead of taking Fell street to Seventh Avenue to see Floyd Yaffa decided to go to the hospital from Market street. We drove up the hill in the rain and dark but were unable to find the turn-off to get to Laguna Honda. Yaffa became frantic and demanded help from Dorit and me to find the turn-off. A mild panic settled in the car as Yaffa became more and more furious at Dorit and me for not being able to help. Yaffa eventually found the way after having missed it the first time around. As Yaffa tends to do she screamed at us for not being able to help and how it was always her who found the way wherever we went and called us useless. I found the tension in the car unbearable.

We finally arrived at the hospital and had an uneventful visit with Floyd. To add fuel to Yaffa's fire he was in one of his pouts and almost completely uninterested in our visit. We followed him into the dining room where, as happened in the past, Floyd completely tuned us out. Yaffa became bored and restless. She usually colors in Floyd's room when we see him there to pass the time. After an interminable 20 minutes we finally took our leave. Floyd didn't care to even say goodbye. So that turned out to be a pointless visit.

Yaffa was in a rage on the way home and yelled the whole way about Dorit's and my lack of help finding the hospital and the uselessness of our visit with Floyd. I was completely shook up when we returned to Yaffa and Dorit's apartment. I carried the heavy container of sand up the stairs and when we safely opened the door of the apartment carried it into the bathroom where it belongs. I got my medication bag from Yaffa and hurriedly tried to leave the apartment. Yaffa became worried about my reaction to everything. I somehow managed to maintain  a semblance of composure as I rushed to get out. Yaffa asked me what was wrong and if she had offended me. She had but as usual I brushed it off. As I desperately tried to leave and was halfway through the door I simply said that I was upset and that I was beginning to hallucinate. Yaffa looked worried but let me go. After she closed the door to prevent Lynx from running into the hall I opened the hallway door and left to return to my apartment.

Once home my hallucinations subsided. I made myself dinner and after that watched an episode of the Netflix show Orange is the New Black. It was late by then so I decided to go to bed. I undressed and took my nighttime medication which included sleeping pills. These did not help me go to sleep. I suddenly found myself no longer tired from the long and dismaying afternoon but instead wide awake. My mind started racing and while lying still in bed my hallucinations returned in full force.

I saw Yaffa organizing the shelves in my study. She was talking in her slightly bossy way about how things should be set up. I was telling her to do whatever she wanted, glancing over towards her to offer words of encouragement. Meanwhile I was working on my painting. Yaffa left the room to get some juice and returned shortly. There was a lot of detail in the hallucination but I do not now remember all of it. I remember, however, complaining how difficult it was to paint in the dark. I asked Yaffa to turn on the lights and she did after a few minutes. But my painting still continued in the dark. I finally gave up on it I told Yaffa I was going to bed. She sounded both disappointed and piqued.

The hallucinations finally stopped and I realized I was in bed. Several hours had gone by. I got up to look for Yaffa and called out for her. I suddenly remembered that I live alone and with despair went back to bed. I fell asleep in about a half hour.

Was this a hypnogogic dream? If so, it was very real and detailed. I don't know. I did get up after the hallucinations ended. But did I wake up? I don't know. Usually these types of dreams are terrifying and affect me as I am waking up instead of when I am going to sleep. I also take Prozosin to control them and it has been very effective. I see no reason why it would not have worked for a dream as I was falling asleep. This experience confirmed my mental disorder.

I am psychotic.