Dating

I am into the dating scene these days.

It took me a while--not a very long while--to get over the breakup of my last marriage. After wandering around aimlessly in my apartment for about a week I was suddenly struck by a thought: I should peruse the online dating sites!

So I hammered my ego together and began looking through OurTime.com, a dating service for people 50 years old and older. I went through several iterations of my profile, that is, an explanation of who I am and what I am looking for in another person.

I based a lot of it on observations of what women are looking for in a man. I stayed true to my principles, however. Although fine-tuned to appeal to women on the site it nevertheless represents who I am. I guess I just changed the language a little and highlighted those qualities of mine that others might find attractive.

Everything considered it was an interesting experiment in introspection. I did not deliberately lie outright. But I had to ask myself, Who am I really? What would I like to see in a friend or lover? I am not so desperate that I felt to be everything to everyone. For example, I don't like long walks on the beach. The sand gets into my shoes and makes them uncomfortable.

The dating sites have an underlying belief that people who share similar interests are naturally compatible. These interests tend to be tangible. For example, water-skiing. I don't like water-skiing but would not mind if my partner liked it (as long as she didn't try to get me to do it.) I guess the idea is to match as many common interests as possible until the computer spits out a slip with the name of your potential partner printed neatly upon it.

I have a problem with common interests. They typically include reading habits and books a person likes to read, outdoor activities, sports, dining out, travel, music and so forth and so on. Long romantic dinners. Travel to Europe (I've lived and worked there so I don't really want to go back.) They all seem so out of reach and reality to me. Well, for one thing, I don't drive and don't have the money to do most of the things women seemingly want.

It struck me that many women on these sites were grappling with the same problems as me. For the most part, most profiles I read come off this way. But surely women want more in a partner than shared tangible common interests. At least the women I would want to know.

So I decided to cast my profile in terms of feelings instead of common activities. I explained how I felt and the personal qualities I bring to a relationship rather than the things I like to do. I also expressed these qualities I would like to see in a potential partner. I explained what type of person I am and not so much what I like to do. Here is my profile from OurTime.com:

A Little About Me

I am a kind and caring person. I'm a bit of a daydreamer. I am warm and I have a wry sense of humor. I like to lampoon politics and particularly enjoy the Huffington Post. I'm a little quiet. I like home life and all that implies.

I try to be open and accommodating and understanding and supportive rather than harsh and judgmental. I like to laugh and enjoy the company of the person I am with. I had a rewarding career in the computing field from which I am now retired. I have been working on fine art for over six years now.

Who are you? What kind of person are you?

About the One I am Looking For

I love women. I am a serial dater/lover. In other words, I don't like "playing the field" and it would please me if you did not, either. I am by nature monogamous. I want you standing on your own two feet but able to let yourself lean on me when you need to. I want to love you and have a ongoing relationship that is filled with love and passion.

I have an ordinary body build. It would be a good thing if you fell into that category also but it's not a deal breaker. You are confident in yourself. You are willing to listen to others and adapt your feelings if necessary. You are a kind and gentle person. You have a sense of humor.

I want to *know* who you are rather than *what* you do. I don't care at this juncture about the things you do (like wind surfing) unless all you want to do is be friends (which is OK). But I want to know more about the type of person you are before I try to establish a relationship.

I will want someone who "clicks" with me. Where that goes is anybody's guess and up for grabs.

I'd Just Like to Add...

I can be a bit edgy, too. I use my sardonic wit to lay waste to pretension. I can be mischeivious at times, too. But it is important to me that you understand that I am a man who is secure in my identity and although compassionate and passionate I am not needy. It would please me if you are secure in your identity as a woman, too.

I'm not interested first in your interests insofar as the relate to material things. Like I like to dance, I like to travel, I like blah blah blah. I want to get to know who you are as person. I want to understand your personality. That's what we'll delve into on our first date. You'll find the same out about me.

Do I want a relationship? Yes, that depends on how things turn out. Do I want love? Most definitely. But that takes time. Love is not like jumping into a puddle. Love is more like slowly wading together out into the sea. Things take time and if there's one thing I've learned from my crazy life it's that.

Take a look at my art. I've uploaded some samples among my pictures.

I like cats and dogs.

One last thing: I don't drive and I live in San Francisco in the SF Bay Area. So if you're not within walking distance of BART or in the city itself this could pose a problem for us. 

Pretty nifty, eh? As you can see, my profile does not stress material pursuits or habits to any great degree. I use some concrete examples to clarify a point about my personality. But I think the profile conveys a sense of who I am and what I am looking for.

The only problem I have with this profile is my claim about being a serial dater/lover. In fact, at the time of this writing, I am seeing two women. I don't remember how I got into this position. Neither knows this about me and I feel terrible. I'm not sure how to proceed.

It's unlikely that I will become a lover of either woman. I am simply too damaged. But we might become friends. As my therapist says, "You need to broaden your social circle." So as friends, and friends with their friends, I can accomplish that (hopefully).

I've taken a very passive role in the dating process. In other words, I do not aggressively seek out women. I wait for them to come to me. So I haven't had much contact. Many women read my profiles (the one above is also listed on okCupid and Zoosk) but I think only one from those other sites has contacted me. I have sent messages to two other women that the Zoosk "Scientific Matching Service" has paired me with but have not received responses. This is probably how I got into this predicament where I am dating two women simultaneously.

I have been on dates with three different women. The first was an utter disaster. The second I am still seeing. She has led an interesting life but seems a little dull to me. I really clicked with the third woman I met. But she has read my profile and knows my situation. I highly doubt that relationship will ever be anything more than a friendship. The same is probably true of the second woman, too.

I guess I'm not really looking for romance. I certainly am not making much of an effort to do so. I find the third woman I met to be intense and very gregarious. I clicked with her about ten minutes into our initial date at a coffee shop. I am infatuated with her and love her company. She talks so rapidly and with such a high energy level that I have not been able to get a word in edgewise with her. But she is fascinating to listen to.

We went to the movies together on our second date. She drove me home. Just as we were pulling up to where I live she suddenly asked me out of the clear blue sky, "So what do you think of me?" I was at a loss for words. I don't remember very clearly but I think I fumbled out something along the lines of, "I like you a lot," which is certainly true. 

I held her wrist briefly (she was clutching the stick shift of her BMW at the time) and thanked her for a fun evening. I don't remember clearly what transpired thereafter. One of us said that he or she had a great time that evening and we should do something together again. I left the car and just like that she drove away.

I am going on my third date with each this weekend, one on Saturday and the other on Sunday. I am going to a museum in Oakland with the first woman I am dating. She's nice but quite frankly a little dull. She lives in Alameda so this is turning into a long-distance relationship already.

The second and I are driving down the coast to Half Moon Bay or Pacifica, I'm not sure which. Wherever it is she plans to stop somewhere for lunch. Then I guess we will speed back up to San Francisco (where we both live) in her BMW. I hope I am able to talk a little about myself with her this time.

So this has been my dating experience so far.