My wife moved back into our apartment today.
It occurred to me that she has been living with her mother for at least a month. I had all but given hope that she would ever move back but continue to use our apartment as her personal closet space. I saw her after my therapy session and she simply announced that she had decided to move back and asked me if I could help her pack.
Never in the time she has been away has she ever eaten a meal here nor shared my bed with me. I have eaten numerous meals at her mother's apartment and slept over there with her when she did not want to feel alone. I don't know why this thought suddenly struck me as we were moving her stuff (which was a considerable amount) back into here. In a certain way I feel like I have been excluded from her life except when she needed me. Never have my needs been considered. It's all been very one-sided.
I have grown so alone and isolated living here by myself that it felt like an intrusion for her to return. I had resigned myself to living alone and found ways to distract myself. (Finding distractions has also helped me quit smoking which I did a couple of days ago.) I have become emotionally self-self-sufficent. My forays over to her mother's apartment had become increasingly annoying. This because I began to feel that it was her need I was fullfilling while whatever needs I might have were ignored.
I finally began turning down dinner invitations. I slept with her last night because she called me in a way that made me scared that she might hurt herself. But she was sound asleep by the time I arrived. I had brought my nighttime medication with me and so decided to sleep over. I got up early enough to make it back to my apartment and get ready and leave for my therapy appointment.
I think she senses my feeling of intrusion. I withdrew into myself while we were moving. I apologized for this and told her outright that I had become so accustomed to living alone that I didn't know what to feel. She of course felt threatened by this so I had to assuage her feelings. Meanwhile the entire experience was a spectactular display of her drama queen propensity. I found it repulsive and barely able to hide it.
I had forgotten many of the needy qualities of her personality. Even as I write this I wonder if I made the correct decsion letting her back into the apartment and my life. After an absence of a month I drew away from her. I started needing her less and finding her company less interesting and more annoying. I think she sensed I was drawing away from her and in a small panic decided to move back before I asked her to move out entirely.
I was very close to doing just that. I was fed up with always having to be the one who made the effort for companionship by eating and sleeping over at her mother's apartment. Never once did she reciprocate this. I was left alone. I felt abandoned. I grew better able as time progressed to take care of myself. I needed her less and less. She must have sensed this.
So now what do I do? She is here and I feel vaguely stuck with her. There is a side of me that wishes that I had never let her come back. I should have stayed alone and been content with my own emotional devices. The truth is I don't appreciate her company.
I certainly found her drama queen behavior just less than I could endure. She acted as if it was the hardest thing she had ever done. That she was making a big sacrifice by moving back in with me. No mention of the hardship I endured or the discomfort I might feel by her return. She is emotionally selfish.
She didn't want to talk about relationship issues tonight because she was too tired and worn out by the emotional exhaustion she had undergone by moving back in. I found this annoying. I found this to be a cop-out. She says that she wants it to be as it was before. I don't exactly know what that means. But what I do know is that we had damn well start talking about relationship issues in the days and weeks to come or it's out she goes.
I'm angry. I've been hurt by her abandonment of me and seemingly lack of concern for what I might be going through during my time alone. I told her that I don't do "alone" very well. She had the gall to remind me of the dark days immediately following my divorce from my last wife during which I was very alone indeed. This was her justification for me being able to be alone. How different in every way this last month has been from those days. It shows a total lack of comprehension and compassion on her part.
It will never be the same as it was before. I have changed. This past month has changed me in some fundamental way. I will never forget, but I hope I forgive, her abandonment of me.
I can't think of anymore to say about this.
It occurred to me that she has been living with her mother for at least a month. I had all but given hope that she would ever move back but continue to use our apartment as her personal closet space. I saw her after my therapy session and she simply announced that she had decided to move back and asked me if I could help her pack.
Never in the time she has been away has she ever eaten a meal here nor shared my bed with me. I have eaten numerous meals at her mother's apartment and slept over there with her when she did not want to feel alone. I don't know why this thought suddenly struck me as we were moving her stuff (which was a considerable amount) back into here. In a certain way I feel like I have been excluded from her life except when she needed me. Never have my needs been considered. It's all been very one-sided.
I have grown so alone and isolated living here by myself that it felt like an intrusion for her to return. I had resigned myself to living alone and found ways to distract myself. (Finding distractions has also helped me quit smoking which I did a couple of days ago.) I have become emotionally self-self-sufficent. My forays over to her mother's apartment had become increasingly annoying. This because I began to feel that it was her need I was fullfilling while whatever needs I might have were ignored.
I finally began turning down dinner invitations. I slept with her last night because she called me in a way that made me scared that she might hurt herself. But she was sound asleep by the time I arrived. I had brought my nighttime medication with me and so decided to sleep over. I got up early enough to make it back to my apartment and get ready and leave for my therapy appointment.
I think she senses my feeling of intrusion. I withdrew into myself while we were moving. I apologized for this and told her outright that I had become so accustomed to living alone that I didn't know what to feel. She of course felt threatened by this so I had to assuage her feelings. Meanwhile the entire experience was a spectactular display of her drama queen propensity. I found it repulsive and barely able to hide it.
I had forgotten many of the needy qualities of her personality. Even as I write this I wonder if I made the correct decsion letting her back into the apartment and my life. After an absence of a month I drew away from her. I started needing her less and finding her company less interesting and more annoying. I think she sensed I was drawing away from her and in a small panic decided to move back before I asked her to move out entirely.
I was very close to doing just that. I was fed up with always having to be the one who made the effort for companionship by eating and sleeping over at her mother's apartment. Never once did she reciprocate this. I was left alone. I felt abandoned. I grew better able as time progressed to take care of myself. I needed her less and less. She must have sensed this.
So now what do I do? She is here and I feel vaguely stuck with her. There is a side of me that wishes that I had never let her come back. I should have stayed alone and been content with my own emotional devices. The truth is I don't appreciate her company.
I certainly found her drama queen behavior just less than I could endure. She acted as if it was the hardest thing she had ever done. That she was making a big sacrifice by moving back in with me. No mention of the hardship I endured or the discomfort I might feel by her return. She is emotionally selfish.
She didn't want to talk about relationship issues tonight because she was too tired and worn out by the emotional exhaustion she had undergone by moving back in. I found this annoying. I found this to be a cop-out. She says that she wants it to be as it was before. I don't exactly know what that means. But what I do know is that we had damn well start talking about relationship issues in the days and weeks to come or it's out she goes.
I'm angry. I've been hurt by her abandonment of me and seemingly lack of concern for what I might be going through during my time alone. I told her that I don't do "alone" very well. She had the gall to remind me of the dark days immediately following my divorce from my last wife during which I was very alone indeed. This was her justification for me being able to be alone. How different in every way this last month has been from those days. It shows a total lack of comprehension and compassion on her part.
It will never be the same as it was before. I have changed. This past month has changed me in some fundamental way. I will never forget, but I hope I forgive, her abandonment of me.
I can't think of anymore to say about this.
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