I have just returned home, it is now 8:00PM, from decorating a Cinco de Mayo celebration at my brother's house. It was a nightmare for me.
My brother asked my wife and I to do the decorations for the party. The party is tomorrow (Saturday). My wife wasn't prepared for the breezy conditions outside where the party will be held. I this this flustered her. She had planned to do the sort of installation she usually does for indoor parties.
We unloaded the car with all of the party stuff at their house, carted it to the back yard, and began opening it to start decorating. I stood and thought about where to start first. But my wife grew very impatient with me and started telling me what to do. It was clear that she was angry. She definitely has a problem with my slow and quiet way of approaching a job.
She snapped at me (or at least that's how I interpreted it) and I immediately withdrew. I am so intimidated by her. This is a thought that crystalized in my mind as we were driving back to the city. Why do I allow myself to be bullied around? This new to me. I have not been bullied since high school. I have certainly never been bullied, or been a bully, in my past relationships. But I now recognize this trait in her. I may be mistaken, but it seems very clear to me as I write this.
She was impatient throughout the day. I know that it bothers her greatly when I withdraw but it is my natural instinct in confrontational situations. I also felt hurt and insulted. I felt as though I was made to seem stupid. I snapped at her once. I said, "Oh sorry, I forgot to read your mind." It seemed to me that she expected me to know what to do at every step of the way while she continued to take the lead. I was perfectly content to follow orders but few were given to me. Otherwise I stood idly about waiting to be told what to do next and seething with anger and a desire to get back home. I wanted to be back here in my solitude away from her.
My wife cannot socialize. She has a problem with my sister-in-law. She doesn't really like her I suspect. But in all fairness, she hasn't known them as long as I have, which is over 40 years. She wasn't able to share the decorating experience with anyone. My brother offered to help but she brushed him off most of the time. When I offered she got mad. I don't know how she is going to manage at the party tomorrow. As I write this I am waiting to go for dinner at her mother's apartment where she is still living. I wonder if she will tell me that she does not want to go.
I feel intimidated. In the car on our way home I tried talking to her about the feelings I had at the party and our interaction but this only made her angry. I pushed a little and she cranked up the car stereo. I gave up. It seems like I always give up when faced with her anger and meanness which I suspect covers up an underlying insecurity about herself. She isn't easy to talk to when it comes to emotional topics concerning our relationship. We see our couples' therapist the Monday evening. I wonder how that will go? I really don't know...
I had no time while we were there to talk with my brother, my nephew or my sister-in-law. A friend of theirs who is living with them until her new home is assembled was happy to see us and for some unfathomable reason my wife finds it easy to talk with her. But I am pretty sure she doesn't like my family. This hurts me. I love my family and I want her to at least like them. It seems to me that all I ever do is spend time with my wife's family and embroiled in their problems.
I feel as though I have been castrated from my own family and from my own life for that matter. I have been sucked into my wife's neurotic vortex and I don't know what to do anymore. I sometimes wonder if this relationship is ever going to work. We seem to be such different types of people. She is so bossy and controlling and I am so submissive. She moves fast and automatically assumes that any problems that might arise are hers to solve. She interrupts before I can finish a thought. I want to make this relationship work but I am beginning to have doubts that it ever will.
Quite frankly, it would be better for me if she did not go to the party tomorrow. I would rather go alone. I want to talk and socialize with people. I don't want to babysit my wife. I don't know what I want anymore.
I have never been in this situation before in my life. I am at sea without a rudder. I try to be more assertive but that turns her off and usually makes her defensive or angry. She also gets mean. This latter trait is something I began to notice about a year ago but let pass. I am getting pretty sick of it now. I don't like mean people. I don't like people that demean me. I do the best I can with all the love I have and all the skills I have. This never seems to be enough for her. I am always at fault and full of shortcomings. I am, "Never there when she needs me." She has wild temper flare ups which she claims to be nervous breakdowns but to me look a lot like childish temper tantrums. I nevertheless try to sooth her and be open and helpful to her. But it is never enough. It is never enough.
I think that her controlling nature is her way of coping with the world. She does not like situations in which she is not in control. Letting others take the lead is not natural for her. Being a controlling and dominant personality is a way to distance herself from possible emotional anguish. What she doesn't realize is that this life strategy is bound to fail and often does. She simply cannot control the whole world around her. Or the people that inhabit it.
The decorating started at around 10:00AM and was blessedly done by a little before 7:00PM. She rushed to get things packed and into the car as if to escape from what had undoubtedly been a bad experience for her. She made no effort to say goodbye or chat in a friendly way with my sister-in-law and her friend who saw us to the car. She was all business and it was like, "Thanks it was good to see you, too, but it's time for me to go. Goodbye." I for one would have preferred to take a longer goodbye but it was off we went.
It was in the car on the way back that I broached the subject of feeling intimidated by her. I told her that our furniture mover had told me to not be such a wimp but to stand up for myself. I think that now that I am healthier, physically and mentally, I am going to do this. I don't like bullies. I am going to remind her that I am more thoughtful and move at a slower pace than she does. I need to assert myself. If necessary, I need to contradict her and feel comfortable doing so.
Anyway, that's how the decorating went.
My brother asked my wife and I to do the decorations for the party. The party is tomorrow (Saturday). My wife wasn't prepared for the breezy conditions outside where the party will be held. I this this flustered her. She had planned to do the sort of installation she usually does for indoor parties.
We unloaded the car with all of the party stuff at their house, carted it to the back yard, and began opening it to start decorating. I stood and thought about where to start first. But my wife grew very impatient with me and started telling me what to do. It was clear that she was angry. She definitely has a problem with my slow and quiet way of approaching a job.
She snapped at me (or at least that's how I interpreted it) and I immediately withdrew. I am so intimidated by her. This is a thought that crystalized in my mind as we were driving back to the city. Why do I allow myself to be bullied around? This new to me. I have not been bullied since high school. I have certainly never been bullied, or been a bully, in my past relationships. But I now recognize this trait in her. I may be mistaken, but it seems very clear to me as I write this.
She was impatient throughout the day. I know that it bothers her greatly when I withdraw but it is my natural instinct in confrontational situations. I also felt hurt and insulted. I felt as though I was made to seem stupid. I snapped at her once. I said, "Oh sorry, I forgot to read your mind." It seemed to me that she expected me to know what to do at every step of the way while she continued to take the lead. I was perfectly content to follow orders but few were given to me. Otherwise I stood idly about waiting to be told what to do next and seething with anger and a desire to get back home. I wanted to be back here in my solitude away from her.
My wife cannot socialize. She has a problem with my sister-in-law. She doesn't really like her I suspect. But in all fairness, she hasn't known them as long as I have, which is over 40 years. She wasn't able to share the decorating experience with anyone. My brother offered to help but she brushed him off most of the time. When I offered she got mad. I don't know how she is going to manage at the party tomorrow. As I write this I am waiting to go for dinner at her mother's apartment where she is still living. I wonder if she will tell me that she does not want to go.
I feel intimidated. In the car on our way home I tried talking to her about the feelings I had at the party and our interaction but this only made her angry. I pushed a little and she cranked up the car stereo. I gave up. It seems like I always give up when faced with her anger and meanness which I suspect covers up an underlying insecurity about herself. She isn't easy to talk to when it comes to emotional topics concerning our relationship. We see our couples' therapist the Monday evening. I wonder how that will go? I really don't know...
I had no time while we were there to talk with my brother, my nephew or my sister-in-law. A friend of theirs who is living with them until her new home is assembled was happy to see us and for some unfathomable reason my wife finds it easy to talk with her. But I am pretty sure she doesn't like my family. This hurts me. I love my family and I want her to at least like them. It seems to me that all I ever do is spend time with my wife's family and embroiled in their problems.
I feel as though I have been castrated from my own family and from my own life for that matter. I have been sucked into my wife's neurotic vortex and I don't know what to do anymore. I sometimes wonder if this relationship is ever going to work. We seem to be such different types of people. She is so bossy and controlling and I am so submissive. She moves fast and automatically assumes that any problems that might arise are hers to solve. She interrupts before I can finish a thought. I want to make this relationship work but I am beginning to have doubts that it ever will.
Quite frankly, it would be better for me if she did not go to the party tomorrow. I would rather go alone. I want to talk and socialize with people. I don't want to babysit my wife. I don't know what I want anymore.
I have never been in this situation before in my life. I am at sea without a rudder. I try to be more assertive but that turns her off and usually makes her defensive or angry. She also gets mean. This latter trait is something I began to notice about a year ago but let pass. I am getting pretty sick of it now. I don't like mean people. I don't like people that demean me. I do the best I can with all the love I have and all the skills I have. This never seems to be enough for her. I am always at fault and full of shortcomings. I am, "Never there when she needs me." She has wild temper flare ups which she claims to be nervous breakdowns but to me look a lot like childish temper tantrums. I nevertheless try to sooth her and be open and helpful to her. But it is never enough. It is never enough.
I think that her controlling nature is her way of coping with the world. She does not like situations in which she is not in control. Letting others take the lead is not natural for her. Being a controlling and dominant personality is a way to distance herself from possible emotional anguish. What she doesn't realize is that this life strategy is bound to fail and often does. She simply cannot control the whole world around her. Or the people that inhabit it.
The decorating started at around 10:00AM and was blessedly done by a little before 7:00PM. She rushed to get things packed and into the car as if to escape from what had undoubtedly been a bad experience for her. She made no effort to say goodbye or chat in a friendly way with my sister-in-law and her friend who saw us to the car. She was all business and it was like, "Thanks it was good to see you, too, but it's time for me to go. Goodbye." I for one would have preferred to take a longer goodbye but it was off we went.
It was in the car on the way back that I broached the subject of feeling intimidated by her. I told her that our furniture mover had told me to not be such a wimp but to stand up for myself. I think that now that I am healthier, physically and mentally, I am going to do this. I don't like bullies. I am going to remind her that I am more thoughtful and move at a slower pace than she does. I need to assert myself. If necessary, I need to contradict her and feel comfortable doing so.
Anyway, that's how the decorating went.
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