My wife stayed over last night.
She began moving her stuff back in yesterday and we continued today. I guess she has only technically been here one day. But it feels like two.
I don't know what to think. My emotions are roiling around in me. I guess I am happy she is back. I should be happy she is back. But there is a side of me that wants to avoid her in the apartment. I am mute and withdrawn, two qualities she hates in me. But I simply don't know what to say to her.
I cannot talk to her about these feelings because will become defensive and angry sand leave to go back to her mother's apartment. I hate these qualities in her. I want to be able to communicate about our relationship and discuss the problems we are both having. I think she is having problems, too. But I have no idea what they are.
She tends to express frustration with me or my withdrawal in an angry way. This makes me either more withdrawn (which infuriates her), appease her with platitudes I don't really feel or despise her. I was lonely in here when I was on my own but adjusting to it as time went by. Now I am lonely with a person I feel uncomfortable talking with.
Last night we ate frozen pizza mainly because I did not want to cleans up the mess she leaves after cooking a meal. She had offered to cook a nice dinner for us but my wish prevailed. We had that nice dinner tonight. I'm pretty good at making light dinner conversation. By I struggled with what to say tonight. I tried but my sentences just sort of trailed off into the distance. She cleaned up the plates and I cleaned the pots and pans.
Last night I slept on the sofa. I am in the habit of listening to ESPN as I drift off into sleep. She hates that so we laid there inner total darkness. We listened to a music playlist I had worked on the past several days. My wife eventually drifted to sleep before me as she always has done. I carefully got out of bed, quiet as a church mouse, and moved into the living room. I turned on ESPN and was quickly asleep.
I think my wife was very disapointed to wake up alone and that this angered her. For my part I was very groggy from not having had enough sleep. My wife attributed my stumbling around to over-medication but I tried to assured that wasn't the case. I was simply very tired. I think my wife held on to her anger. I had to shave and shower this morning and by the time I was dressed and ready to leave the apartment steady on my feet.
I went out to the mission where I learned that my favorite watch could not be repaired. So I spent $200 on a new and very high class watch. It was impulsive in the extreme. I go home in time to go shopping with my wife (who seemed to have discarded her earlier anger at me). Afterwards we went to the hospital where she got a mammogram. After that we we went to couples therapy. Our last stop was at a garden store where we bought a number of flowers she plans to repot and hang from out balcony.
Couples therapy was strange. I am having a difficult time remembering all that was said and agreed upon. Fortunately I took notes. So did my wife. It will be interesting to compare them to se our impressions of the sessions. I get the feeling that might not have gotten the advice and support she was hoping for. She wasn't angry but rather cold and stand-off-ish afterwards.
One of the pacts we made during the session was to do a daily checkin to see what one another is feeling. My wife suggested we do this at dinner tonight but I demurred. I didn't want to spoil a nice dinner (during which I was uptight anyway) with a lot of heavy relationship talk. I don't know when we will do this check-in but we have to do it sometime, I guess.
I am loathe to leave this diary entry. It means I will have to go to the bedroom where he is and interact with her. It's 9:00PM and she usually goes to sleep before me. I will be happy if that is the case I am sorry to say.
She began moving her stuff back in yesterday and we continued today. I guess she has only technically been here one day. But it feels like two.
I don't know what to think. My emotions are roiling around in me. I guess I am happy she is back. I should be happy she is back. But there is a side of me that wants to avoid her in the apartment. I am mute and withdrawn, two qualities she hates in me. But I simply don't know what to say to her.
I cannot talk to her about these feelings because will become defensive and angry sand leave to go back to her mother's apartment. I hate these qualities in her. I want to be able to communicate about our relationship and discuss the problems we are both having. I think she is having problems, too. But I have no idea what they are.
She tends to express frustration with me or my withdrawal in an angry way. This makes me either more withdrawn (which infuriates her), appease her with platitudes I don't really feel or despise her. I was lonely in here when I was on my own but adjusting to it as time went by. Now I am lonely with a person I feel uncomfortable talking with.
Last night we ate frozen pizza mainly because I did not want to cleans up the mess she leaves after cooking a meal. She had offered to cook a nice dinner for us but my wish prevailed. We had that nice dinner tonight. I'm pretty good at making light dinner conversation. By I struggled with what to say tonight. I tried but my sentences just sort of trailed off into the distance. She cleaned up the plates and I cleaned the pots and pans.
Last night I slept on the sofa. I am in the habit of listening to ESPN as I drift off into sleep. She hates that so we laid there inner total darkness. We listened to a music playlist I had worked on the past several days. My wife eventually drifted to sleep before me as she always has done. I carefully got out of bed, quiet as a church mouse, and moved into the living room. I turned on ESPN and was quickly asleep.
I think my wife was very disapointed to wake up alone and that this angered her. For my part I was very groggy from not having had enough sleep. My wife attributed my stumbling around to over-medication but I tried to assured that wasn't the case. I was simply very tired. I think my wife held on to her anger. I had to shave and shower this morning and by the time I was dressed and ready to leave the apartment steady on my feet.
I went out to the mission where I learned that my favorite watch could not be repaired. So I spent $200 on a new and very high class watch. It was impulsive in the extreme. I go home in time to go shopping with my wife (who seemed to have discarded her earlier anger at me). Afterwards we went to the hospital where she got a mammogram. After that we we went to couples therapy. Our last stop was at a garden store where we bought a number of flowers she plans to repot and hang from out balcony.
Couples therapy was strange. I am having a difficult time remembering all that was said and agreed upon. Fortunately I took notes. So did my wife. It will be interesting to compare them to se our impressions of the sessions. I get the feeling that might not have gotten the advice and support she was hoping for. She wasn't angry but rather cold and stand-off-ish afterwards.
One of the pacts we made during the session was to do a daily checkin to see what one another is feeling. My wife suggested we do this at dinner tonight but I demurred. I didn't want to spoil a nice dinner (during which I was uptight anyway) with a lot of heavy relationship talk. I don't know when we will do this check-in but we have to do it sometime, I guess.
I am loathe to leave this diary entry. It means I will have to go to the bedroom where he is and interact with her. It's 9:00PM and she usually goes to sleep before me. I will be happy if that is the case I am sorry to say.
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