I just returned from dinner at my mother-in-law's apartment that Yaffa had made for the three of us.
I was mostly silent at dinner, still seething from the decorating disaster earlier in the day (see my last post). After a while I felt uncomfortable for being so silent. I felt a preasure on me to talk and socialize. This discomfort grew as dinner progressed. I was withdrawn and did not know what to say.
My wife left the dinner table before the rest of us to go and lie down for a while in her bed. I thought she was going to go to sleep but when I went in she was still awake but groggy. I think she took too many pills and drank too much liquor. I asked her nicely to move over a little so that I could sit down beside her. In her tired and dramatic way she said there was nowhere to move to because the bed was covered in stuff. I moved the stuff to make room for her. She said I had to move her legs for her. I moved her legs but added that she would have to move her own butt. She slid aside enough for me to sit down beside her.
I don't remember clearly what happened next. I think I asked her what she thought about the decorating experience. I mentioned that it was windier than we had expected. At least that's what I remember as I write this. She replied that she had been very frustrated. I asked what about. She said that she did not like the way I withdrew. You would think that after six years together she would know by now that I withdraw in confrontational situations. She said that she had wondered what I was doing and why I wasn't more helpful.
(I should mention here that I am in a very agitated state right now and cannot remember clearly all that transpired.)
At some point she said something that made me respond irritably that I thought she was bossy and put me down. I said I felt intimidated by her. I thought she bullied me and that I don't like bullies. This made her mad but shut her up. I reminded her that had each made a list of our wants and expectations from one another. I reminded her that one of the items on my list is, "Please be patient with me when I am slower than you." (Or something to that effect.) This enraged her. She grew defensive and said that it was hard to be patient with me when I withdraw. I tried to explain to her that when we had arrived to decorate the party I was slow because I was looking over all the stuff we had brought and deciding where to start. She had jumped right in, by contrast.
This conversation, if you want to call it that, grew more and more heated. She was yelling at me and saying inchoherent things. I couldn't get a word in edgewise. I tried interrupting to say that she was making false assumptions about what I was feeling and saying. She was ranting when I finally decided to get up and leave. She was still ranting as I walked out the door.
My second wife and I fought like dogs and cats all the time but it always seemed to be on equal ground. And we never left issues unresolved. Our fighting grew less frequent as our relationship lengthened. I think she was an insecure person with abandament issues. As it became obvious to her that I wasn't going to leave her things settled down. As it happened, I did leave her to move to Sweden. But we parted ways amicably. She still calls me when she is in crisis. I believe that I am the only man she ever really loved. But maybe I am flattering myself.
There is an almost total communication breakdown between my wife and me. Talking about emotional topics is uncomfortable for her I have learned. I don't know what we are going to do. Is this the end of our relationship? Will it end in the same acrimony that we seem to feel for one another now? How in heaven's name are we ever going to overcome this hurdle. I need to talk about my feelings and some of these naturally reflect ill upon her. But I try to be calm and introspective and impartial when doing so. She always gets so defensive and angry when I try this.
She has a tendency to "jump in" whenever someone expresses a problem, even if that person is perfectly capable of solving the problem themselves. I think that when I try to talk about communication and relationship problems in general she feels like it is her problem to solve but she doesn't know how. This makes her frustrated, defensive and angry. If I push the issue she lays the blame at my doorstep and gets mean.
This meanness is something I began to see about a year or so ago. I brushed it aside at the time and since. I have attributed it to misunderstanding from my side. But I doubt that now. She is a mean person when cornered. And talking about issues that she has no control of, like emotional issues, backs her into a corner. I just cannot comprehend how a person can so blithely accept that emotional growth and problems with it are not inherent in a relationship.
I am sad. I feel a deep, deep sadness in me as I write this. I am sad and lonely. I have no partner with whom I can share my problems with. I am in emotional distress and I cannot turn to my wife for support. I sit and type these words as if I am talking to someone because I cannot bear this silence alone and without help.
She says that she isn't sure whether she loves me or not. I don't know what that means. She has always been something of a drama queen so it's hard to know just how real that statement is. She must have some desire to salvage our relationship because it was she who declared that it was in crisis and that we needed to see a couples' therapist. But if she thinks that simply seeing a therapist will re-ignite her love I am afraid she is sadly mistaken. I person is in love with another or not. There's no blurry zone, at least as I see it.
I don't know what to do now. I left her alone in her room still ranting at me, put on my shoes in the living room, said goodnight to my mother-in-law and left the apartment. I ran away. It was all too much for me. Too much anger. Too much confrontation. Too much frustration. I gave up. Instead of staying and taking her abuse I decided to leave. This is not something I have ever done before. I wonder how she is reacting to it now...
I can imagine her crying right now. She asked her daughter to take me tomorrow (I got a text from her daughter). But my brother is coming, instead.
I have to get ready now.
I was mostly silent at dinner, still seething from the decorating disaster earlier in the day (see my last post). After a while I felt uncomfortable for being so silent. I felt a preasure on me to talk and socialize. This discomfort grew as dinner progressed. I was withdrawn and did not know what to say.
My wife left the dinner table before the rest of us to go and lie down for a while in her bed. I thought she was going to go to sleep but when I went in she was still awake but groggy. I think she took too many pills and drank too much liquor. I asked her nicely to move over a little so that I could sit down beside her. In her tired and dramatic way she said there was nowhere to move to because the bed was covered in stuff. I moved the stuff to make room for her. She said I had to move her legs for her. I moved her legs but added that she would have to move her own butt. She slid aside enough for me to sit down beside her.
I don't remember clearly what happened next. I think I asked her what she thought about the decorating experience. I mentioned that it was windier than we had expected. At least that's what I remember as I write this. She replied that she had been very frustrated. I asked what about. She said that she did not like the way I withdrew. You would think that after six years together she would know by now that I withdraw in confrontational situations. She said that she had wondered what I was doing and why I wasn't more helpful.
(I should mention here that I am in a very agitated state right now and cannot remember clearly all that transpired.)
At some point she said something that made me respond irritably that I thought she was bossy and put me down. I said I felt intimidated by her. I thought she bullied me and that I don't like bullies. This made her mad but shut her up. I reminded her that had each made a list of our wants and expectations from one another. I reminded her that one of the items on my list is, "Please be patient with me when I am slower than you." (Or something to that effect.) This enraged her. She grew defensive and said that it was hard to be patient with me when I withdraw. I tried to explain to her that when we had arrived to decorate the party I was slow because I was looking over all the stuff we had brought and deciding where to start. She had jumped right in, by contrast.
This conversation, if you want to call it that, grew more and more heated. She was yelling at me and saying inchoherent things. I couldn't get a word in edgewise. I tried interrupting to say that she was making false assumptions about what I was feeling and saying. She was ranting when I finally decided to get up and leave. She was still ranting as I walked out the door.
My second wife and I fought like dogs and cats all the time but it always seemed to be on equal ground. And we never left issues unresolved. Our fighting grew less frequent as our relationship lengthened. I think she was an insecure person with abandament issues. As it became obvious to her that I wasn't going to leave her things settled down. As it happened, I did leave her to move to Sweden. But we parted ways amicably. She still calls me when she is in crisis. I believe that I am the only man she ever really loved. But maybe I am flattering myself.
There is an almost total communication breakdown between my wife and me. Talking about emotional topics is uncomfortable for her I have learned. I don't know what we are going to do. Is this the end of our relationship? Will it end in the same acrimony that we seem to feel for one another now? How in heaven's name are we ever going to overcome this hurdle. I need to talk about my feelings and some of these naturally reflect ill upon her. But I try to be calm and introspective and impartial when doing so. She always gets so defensive and angry when I try this.
She has a tendency to "jump in" whenever someone expresses a problem, even if that person is perfectly capable of solving the problem themselves. I think that when I try to talk about communication and relationship problems in general she feels like it is her problem to solve but she doesn't know how. This makes her frustrated, defensive and angry. If I push the issue she lays the blame at my doorstep and gets mean.
This meanness is something I began to see about a year or so ago. I brushed it aside at the time and since. I have attributed it to misunderstanding from my side. But I doubt that now. She is a mean person when cornered. And talking about issues that she has no control of, like emotional issues, backs her into a corner. I just cannot comprehend how a person can so blithely accept that emotional growth and problems with it are not inherent in a relationship.
I am sad. I feel a deep, deep sadness in me as I write this. I am sad and lonely. I have no partner with whom I can share my problems with. I am in emotional distress and I cannot turn to my wife for support. I sit and type these words as if I am talking to someone because I cannot bear this silence alone and without help.
She says that she isn't sure whether she loves me or not. I don't know what that means. She has always been something of a drama queen so it's hard to know just how real that statement is. She must have some desire to salvage our relationship because it was she who declared that it was in crisis and that we needed to see a couples' therapist. But if she thinks that simply seeing a therapist will re-ignite her love I am afraid she is sadly mistaken. I person is in love with another or not. There's no blurry zone, at least as I see it.
I don't know what to do now. I left her alone in her room still ranting at me, put on my shoes in the living room, said goodnight to my mother-in-law and left the apartment. I ran away. It was all too much for me. Too much anger. Too much confrontation. Too much frustration. I gave up. Instead of staying and taking her abuse I decided to leave. This is not something I have ever done before. I wonder how she is reacting to it now...
I can imagine her crying right now. She asked her daughter to take me tomorrow (I got a text from her daughter). But my brother is coming, instead.
I have to get ready now.
Comments
Post a Comment