My wife has pneumonia and has decided to stay at her mother's apartment until she is well. I don't know how long that will be but I expect it to last at least a week or maybe more.
We had a fight before she left. She is mean to me when she is sick and this is difficult to bear. I cannot understand why she is so hateful and prone to playing head games. It boils down to my inadequacies to provide her the same level of care she provides to me when I am sick. That may be the case but I am doing the best I can. Also, I don't treat her like shit when she takes care of me.
I feel terrible. I hate it that she feels the need to leave me when she is sick. I hate it that she thinks I am inadequate. I also hate the way she treats me. All this hate when she is indeed not well. I find it difficult to bear and snap back at her. My ego is bruised. The other night I yelled at her at the top of my lungs and told her to leave. She eventually came home that night. But the little digs began again and we had another argument. This last time she simply decided to stay at her mother's apartment.
I've texted her during her illness and the messages have been rather bland. No real news on how she is feeling. Yesterday she asked me when I would be out of the apartment so that she could come and get some things (I had errands to run). I told her and she must have come over. She left a note (or was it a text?) that she wants to go to couples therapy. I am dubious about this but will make arrangements today if I can.
I cannot understand why she is so hateful. My working theory is that this is classic co-dependent behavior. She is the ultimate "caregiver" when others are ill, setting aside her own desires and needs. But when she herself is ill or in need she expects the same level of care from the people around her. When she doesn't get this, she becomes bitter, sarcastic, and just plain mean. It is difficult for me to handle this. I become hurt and lash out at her. It is difficult for me to supress my feelings of guilt and inadequacy. I become extremely frustrated and become angry with her. This only magnifies the problem for me because I feel terrible doing so.
So she is at her mother's, who is also sick with a terrible cold or flu. I'm not sure how that is playing out for her. She certainly cannot be getting the level of attention I have given her (inadequate as it may be.) But I guess she is getting emotional support. I am sure her mother is not losing her temper and on the contrary giving her the doting love she wants.
I am angry that she left, despite the conflict. I feel that her mother has betrayed me by not encouraging her to return home to be with me. I feel paranoid that I have burnt a bridge with her mother with whom I have hitherto had a good relationship. I feel like these women, her mother, her and her daughter think poorly of me and are "taking her side." I feel rebellious and think, "Let them do so. I am still confident (and angry) about what I see as abuse from my wife." I'm sure they would never see that. I am sure my wife has presented the case solely from her side. Her drama—queen point of view that excludes all extenuating circumstances.
I don't know what to do. I guess I'll keep texting her the see how she is. I care about her illness, after all. In the meantime, I am alone in the apartment and left to my own devices.
We had a fight before she left. She is mean to me when she is sick and this is difficult to bear. I cannot understand why she is so hateful and prone to playing head games. It boils down to my inadequacies to provide her the same level of care she provides to me when I am sick. That may be the case but I am doing the best I can. Also, I don't treat her like shit when she takes care of me.
I feel terrible. I hate it that she feels the need to leave me when she is sick. I hate it that she thinks I am inadequate. I also hate the way she treats me. All this hate when she is indeed not well. I find it difficult to bear and snap back at her. My ego is bruised. The other night I yelled at her at the top of my lungs and told her to leave. She eventually came home that night. But the little digs began again and we had another argument. This last time she simply decided to stay at her mother's apartment.
I've texted her during her illness and the messages have been rather bland. No real news on how she is feeling. Yesterday she asked me when I would be out of the apartment so that she could come and get some things (I had errands to run). I told her and she must have come over. She left a note (or was it a text?) that she wants to go to couples therapy. I am dubious about this but will make arrangements today if I can.
I cannot understand why she is so hateful. My working theory is that this is classic co-dependent behavior. She is the ultimate "caregiver" when others are ill, setting aside her own desires and needs. But when she herself is ill or in need she expects the same level of care from the people around her. When she doesn't get this, she becomes bitter, sarcastic, and just plain mean. It is difficult for me to handle this. I become hurt and lash out at her. It is difficult for me to supress my feelings of guilt and inadequacy. I become extremely frustrated and become angry with her. This only magnifies the problem for me because I feel terrible doing so.
So she is at her mother's, who is also sick with a terrible cold or flu. I'm not sure how that is playing out for her. She certainly cannot be getting the level of attention I have given her (inadequate as it may be.) But I guess she is getting emotional support. I am sure her mother is not losing her temper and on the contrary giving her the doting love she wants.
I am angry that she left, despite the conflict. I feel that her mother has betrayed me by not encouraging her to return home to be with me. I feel paranoid that I have burnt a bridge with her mother with whom I have hitherto had a good relationship. I feel like these women, her mother, her and her daughter think poorly of me and are "taking her side." I feel rebellious and think, "Let them do so. I am still confident (and angry) about what I see as abuse from my wife." I'm sure they would never see that. I am sure my wife has presented the case solely from her side. Her drama—queen point of view that excludes all extenuating circumstances.
I don't know what to do. I guess I'll keep texting her the see how she is. I care about her illness, after all. In the meantime, I am alone in the apartment and left to my own devices.
It sounds like you are guilty and inadequate.
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