The Interferon is beginning to take a toll on me emotionally.
The listed side effects are depression and irritability. As I write this on Wednesday morning the fourteenth of December I am recovering from what has hitherto been the worst rage of my treatment. It occurred yesterday and became so intense I was unable to think clearly.
It started obnoxiously enough. I decided to read my wife's CD's into iTunes. This was part of a project I set out for myself to rebuild my iTunes library which is missing several albums. I got about half way and in doing so discovered that there were many in the box that were unreadable. I tossed these into the garbage as I proceeded. Otherwise I kept plowing through her CD collection until I had almost reached half of them.
I mentioned to her that several of the CD's were unreadable and that I had subsequently tossed them. She became very worried that I was throwing away some CD's she was saving, including an autographed one. I hadn't, of course, but a confrontation ensued nevertheless. I tried to explain to her why the tossed CD's were unreadable but she became worried anyway. For some reason this set me off and made me very angry.
She also claimed that there was not enough room on the iPod for all of her music, This is ludicrous; the iPod contains enough storage for three times out entire music collection, including hers. But this bounced off of her like little pebbles. She held to this belief despite my assurances to the contrary. This demoralized me and further fed fuel to my anger. The task of entering her CD's was already formidable and I felt that it was now an uphill battle. Not only did I have a pile of CD's to read in but also her obstacle to it.
I became enraged. I wrapped up her CD collection. I taped together the ones I had already read in to separate them from the others. I dug out the tossed CD's from the wastepaper basket and taped those together, too. I removed the CD's that belong to me. Then I piled everything back into her box and returned it to the shelf of her closet in the bedroom. I washed my hand of the matter. If she doesn't want to listen to her music well then I wouldn't force the issue. I was seething at this point.
My plan had become to read in all of my CD's into iTunes to rebuild the library which has lost several albums. But I was so demoralized I decided to forego this. By now my rage had be come inchoate and no longer simple anger directed towards her. I left my box of CD's on the floor beside the the Christmas tree where I still plan to use them to rebuild my library.
I found I could not get control of my rage. My wife was convinced that his was directed towards her but it wasn't. I knew I had to reassure her but I was immobilized by the madness. I unplugged the Christmas tree and its corresponding lit decoration and sat in the quiet dark f the living room boiling inside myself. I knew I couldn't listen to music because it would further aggravate me. In retrospect this may had been unwise. I was left alone to seethe.
I retreated to the bed after taking two Klonopins and a Valium. I hoped this would calm me down enough to be able to sleep off the rage. I napped a little but woke up still in a rage. I took another Valium but it didn't help, either. I simply lay in bed with the covers drawn over my head. I retreated from the world. My wife tried several times to check in on me but I brusquely shooed her away. I was mean to her. She returned to her computer game and left me alone.
I had set my alarm for 6:00PM so that I wouldn't miss my Victrelis dose. I got up at shortly beforehand not having slept while waiting for this time to roll around. I left my bed to eat a pear and take my Victrelis. I also took my psychiatric medication on an otherwise empty stomach rendering it useless. After this I retreated to the living room where i the dark I let my rage run amok within me.
It is difficult to avoid hyperbole in describing the intensity of my rage. I finally got up and returned to the bedroom to reassure my wife that it was not directed towards her. She accepted this albeit with a degree of fear and uncertainty. I could barely muster the nerve to do this and I think she sensed that in me. I returned to the living room to sleep on the sofa. I explained to my wife that I could not sleep in the bed because it is so difficult for me to leave it and return to it in the middle of the night. She took this as an affront but there was nothing I could do about it.
She stopped in a couple of times to remind me of shows that were on TV that I might want to watched. She offered to record them for me because she knew I would not leave the living room. I curtly thanked her for this and she left me, probably still scared by my rage. I continued to sit on the sofa.
Some time later I turned on my "mellow" music mix and listening to it dozed off on the sofa. I had decided to spend the night there. I went into the bedroom again to apologize to my wife and reassure her. She gave me a sub-lingual Zyprexa and I took yet another Valium. These managed to clam me down at last and I was able to sleep fitfully on the sofa.
So I can now add uncontrollable rage to my cornucopia of intense emotional reactions to the Interferon. The thing that bothers me is that it occurred on a Tuesday instead of the expected Monday, the day after my Interferon shot. I fear the effect of the Interferon is stretching into my week now. I wonder where it will end or if it will end. Will I be ab'e to control it? What new emotional hell can I expect from now on and when?
Irritability my ass. I wasn't irritable. I was enraged. I suffer the physical side effects of the adrenaline this morning. I am tired and feel as though I have engaged in some stressful physical exertion.
How long will this last? What new hell awaits me?
The listed side effects are depression and irritability. As I write this on Wednesday morning the fourteenth of December I am recovering from what has hitherto been the worst rage of my treatment. It occurred yesterday and became so intense I was unable to think clearly.
It started obnoxiously enough. I decided to read my wife's CD's into iTunes. This was part of a project I set out for myself to rebuild my iTunes library which is missing several albums. I got about half way and in doing so discovered that there were many in the box that were unreadable. I tossed these into the garbage as I proceeded. Otherwise I kept plowing through her CD collection until I had almost reached half of them.
I mentioned to her that several of the CD's were unreadable and that I had subsequently tossed them. She became very worried that I was throwing away some CD's she was saving, including an autographed one. I hadn't, of course, but a confrontation ensued nevertheless. I tried to explain to her why the tossed CD's were unreadable but she became worried anyway. For some reason this set me off and made me very angry.
She also claimed that there was not enough room on the iPod for all of her music, This is ludicrous; the iPod contains enough storage for three times out entire music collection, including hers. But this bounced off of her like little pebbles. She held to this belief despite my assurances to the contrary. This demoralized me and further fed fuel to my anger. The task of entering her CD's was already formidable and I felt that it was now an uphill battle. Not only did I have a pile of CD's to read in but also her obstacle to it.
I became enraged. I wrapped up her CD collection. I taped together the ones I had already read in to separate them from the others. I dug out the tossed CD's from the wastepaper basket and taped those together, too. I removed the CD's that belong to me. Then I piled everything back into her box and returned it to the shelf of her closet in the bedroom. I washed my hand of the matter. If she doesn't want to listen to her music well then I wouldn't force the issue. I was seething at this point.
My plan had become to read in all of my CD's into iTunes to rebuild the library which has lost several albums. But I was so demoralized I decided to forego this. By now my rage had be come inchoate and no longer simple anger directed towards her. I left my box of CD's on the floor beside the the Christmas tree where I still plan to use them to rebuild my library.
I found I could not get control of my rage. My wife was convinced that his was directed towards her but it wasn't. I knew I had to reassure her but I was immobilized by the madness. I unplugged the Christmas tree and its corresponding lit decoration and sat in the quiet dark f the living room boiling inside myself. I knew I couldn't listen to music because it would further aggravate me. In retrospect this may had been unwise. I was left alone to seethe.
I retreated to the bed after taking two Klonopins and a Valium. I hoped this would calm me down enough to be able to sleep off the rage. I napped a little but woke up still in a rage. I took another Valium but it didn't help, either. I simply lay in bed with the covers drawn over my head. I retreated from the world. My wife tried several times to check in on me but I brusquely shooed her away. I was mean to her. She returned to her computer game and left me alone.
I had set my alarm for 6:00PM so that I wouldn't miss my Victrelis dose. I got up at shortly beforehand not having slept while waiting for this time to roll around. I left my bed to eat a pear and take my Victrelis. I also took my psychiatric medication on an otherwise empty stomach rendering it useless. After this I retreated to the living room where i the dark I let my rage run amok within me.
It is difficult to avoid hyperbole in describing the intensity of my rage. I finally got up and returned to the bedroom to reassure my wife that it was not directed towards her. She accepted this albeit with a degree of fear and uncertainty. I could barely muster the nerve to do this and I think she sensed that in me. I returned to the living room to sleep on the sofa. I explained to my wife that I could not sleep in the bed because it is so difficult for me to leave it and return to it in the middle of the night. She took this as an affront but there was nothing I could do about it.
She stopped in a couple of times to remind me of shows that were on TV that I might want to watched. She offered to record them for me because she knew I would not leave the living room. I curtly thanked her for this and she left me, probably still scared by my rage. I continued to sit on the sofa.
Some time later I turned on my "mellow" music mix and listening to it dozed off on the sofa. I had decided to spend the night there. I went into the bedroom again to apologize to my wife and reassure her. She gave me a sub-lingual Zyprexa and I took yet another Valium. These managed to clam me down at last and I was able to sleep fitfully on the sofa.
So I can now add uncontrollable rage to my cornucopia of intense emotional reactions to the Interferon. The thing that bothers me is that it occurred on a Tuesday instead of the expected Monday, the day after my Interferon shot. I fear the effect of the Interferon is stretching into my week now. I wonder where it will end or if it will end. Will I be ab'e to control it? What new emotional hell can I expect from now on and when?
Irritability my ass. I wasn't irritable. I was enraged. I suffer the physical side effects of the adrenaline this morning. I am tired and feel as though I have engaged in some stressful physical exertion.
How long will this last? What new hell awaits me?
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