I woke up at a normal time around 6:30AM. I fell asleep last night at around 10:30PM so I got a restful night's sleep.
I did mundane chores. I emptied the trash from all around the apartment and started a load of dishes.
I also put gesso one my three test canvas boards. I'm waiting for them to dry as I write. I also cut out the little square stencil I plan to use for my next painting. My concept is crystallizing. I plan to use little squares throughout. The ones in the corners will be a dark color. As they approach the center they will become increasingly lighter. The colors will be pastels. This is new for me. I'll have to mix my own paints. The background will be a very light pastel. Just a bit lighter than the center squares as they meet. I'm not sure now if I want to place a gold raised cross in the center of the painting. It won't go on until the rest of the painting is finished. I'll take a look at the painting and decide whether I want to place the gold cross on it or not.
She is up and about now. She's still a little spaced out but at least she is out of bed.
***********
I put a coat of primer on the some of the edges of the kitchen cabinet doors. They never got painted in all of the renovation we did. She watched and said that she felt guilty for not doing it herself. I almost got down from the stool and handed her the brush and told her to paint it then. It really aggravated me. She just mopes about feeling sorry for everything and especially herself. I can't stand it sometimes. When is she going to come out of this funk?
I painted color samples on one of the gesso boards and decided on using Light Cinnamon as the color for my next painting. I tried different shades of pastel with it and love the color. I also tried different shades of two other paints but I don't like them. The color turns a weird shade of tan or a darker color with green overtones. So light cinnamon it is. I took the sample board into the bedroom to show her it and get her opinion. She was disinterested. That was a real let down for me. She is so uninterested in life and me. I feel so alone.
***********
I've just eaten dinner. Warmed up chicken curry leftovers from her mother. I don't know if it added up to 500 calories or not but I took my evening medication anyway. Hopefully my body will absorb the medicine. I have no appetite. I could have easily skipped dinner. I was simply not hungry. All I had consumed up to that point was a protein shake this morning. I don't have an aversion to eating. I am just not hungry. I wonder if it's an ingrained reaction to losing weight. I think I have an eating disorder. I need to talk to my analyst about this tomorrow.
I got home from gym at 7:00PM tonight. I had a good workout except I was unable to leg press 200 pounds as I usually do. I missed gym last Sunday. I wonder if that weakened me? I was able to complete all of my other exercises, however. Tess measured me and discovered that my weight was 159 pounds. This is odd because my weight was 161 at thew doctor's office yesterday. I'll just split the difference and say I am 160 pounds. Apparently I lost seven pounds in one month. Tess asked me if I was eating. I replied that I had run out of money for food. I had a salad last night. She was flabbergasted.
I cycled for a half hour at level 16. I made 7.8 kilometers in 30 minutes. I was pretty sweaty afterwards. I love gym and I love working out with Tess (not her real name). I am torn about whether or not to purchase another 25 or 50 sessions with her. My balance is running out. Should I save the money to live on after the first of the year or buy more sessions? I can't decide.
I picked up my Vicodin before gym. I now have two heavyweight pain killers. Vicodin and Percacet. I don't feel the need for either right now although I feel a twinge in my middle back where the stabbing pain occurs. I wonder if it will get worse as the night progresses. Well if it does I can throw Percacet at it now.
I stopped by the liquor store on my way home to buy her reisling wine. I got two bottles along with a gallon of milk and an ice cream drumstick for me. I'm not hungry for the ice cream but I have it for dessert later if I want it.
She was in bed asleep when I returned home, typically. I put away the groceries and sat out on the balcony to decompress from gym. It was after this that I made dinner. She woke up while I was eating and called out for me. I went in and greeted her with a smile as I always do. I got her some more wine and refilled her water glass. I received a lukewarm thank you for this. I sat a little while with her before excusing myself to come into the living room. And so that's where I am now.
I am so alone. I live my life alone without anyone to share it with. I get up, I get a cup of coffee and listen to music. Then I leave for analysis on Monday and Wednesday mornings. I have gym in the afternoon on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Sundays. I kill time before gym and after analysis with art. Sometimes I just sit around listening to music. I guess that's what I'll do tonight. I'm kind of depressed myself. I suppose some of her's has rubbed off on me. Whatever.
I wonder sometimes why I am in a relationship with her to begin with. This ongoing depression she has must be due to something other than chemical. She's been taking her Lexapro. She does show signs of life now and again. I cling to these. Am I needy? I don't think so. I just miss her liveliness and her engagement in our apartment and our life. But that just isn't happening and there seems to be no end in sight. So I am left alone like a bachelor. I now know that I can live alone. I don't need a partner. I don't have a partner. Why not just get her out of here and live alone? I'm doing that now anyway.
I'm going to listen to music now. I don't feel like doing artwork.
I did mundane chores. I emptied the trash from all around the apartment and started a load of dishes.
I also put gesso one my three test canvas boards. I'm waiting for them to dry as I write. I also cut out the little square stencil I plan to use for my next painting. My concept is crystallizing. I plan to use little squares throughout. The ones in the corners will be a dark color. As they approach the center they will become increasingly lighter. The colors will be pastels. This is new for me. I'll have to mix my own paints. The background will be a very light pastel. Just a bit lighter than the center squares as they meet. I'm not sure now if I want to place a gold raised cross in the center of the painting. It won't go on until the rest of the painting is finished. I'll take a look at the painting and decide whether I want to place the gold cross on it or not.
She is up and about now. She's still a little spaced out but at least she is out of bed.
***********
I put a coat of primer on the some of the edges of the kitchen cabinet doors. They never got painted in all of the renovation we did. She watched and said that she felt guilty for not doing it herself. I almost got down from the stool and handed her the brush and told her to paint it then. It really aggravated me. She just mopes about feeling sorry for everything and especially herself. I can't stand it sometimes. When is she going to come out of this funk?
I painted color samples on one of the gesso boards and decided on using Light Cinnamon as the color for my next painting. I tried different shades of pastel with it and love the color. I also tried different shades of two other paints but I don't like them. The color turns a weird shade of tan or a darker color with green overtones. So light cinnamon it is. I took the sample board into the bedroom to show her it and get her opinion. She was disinterested. That was a real let down for me. She is so uninterested in life and me. I feel so alone.
***********
I've just eaten dinner. Warmed up chicken curry leftovers from her mother. I don't know if it added up to 500 calories or not but I took my evening medication anyway. Hopefully my body will absorb the medicine. I have no appetite. I could have easily skipped dinner. I was simply not hungry. All I had consumed up to that point was a protein shake this morning. I don't have an aversion to eating. I am just not hungry. I wonder if it's an ingrained reaction to losing weight. I think I have an eating disorder. I need to talk to my analyst about this tomorrow.
I got home from gym at 7:00PM tonight. I had a good workout except I was unable to leg press 200 pounds as I usually do. I missed gym last Sunday. I wonder if that weakened me? I was able to complete all of my other exercises, however. Tess measured me and discovered that my weight was 159 pounds. This is odd because my weight was 161 at thew doctor's office yesterday. I'll just split the difference and say I am 160 pounds. Apparently I lost seven pounds in one month. Tess asked me if I was eating. I replied that I had run out of money for food. I had a salad last night. She was flabbergasted.
I cycled for a half hour at level 16. I made 7.8 kilometers in 30 minutes. I was pretty sweaty afterwards. I love gym and I love working out with Tess (not her real name). I am torn about whether or not to purchase another 25 or 50 sessions with her. My balance is running out. Should I save the money to live on after the first of the year or buy more sessions? I can't decide.
I picked up my Vicodin before gym. I now have two heavyweight pain killers. Vicodin and Percacet. I don't feel the need for either right now although I feel a twinge in my middle back where the stabbing pain occurs. I wonder if it will get worse as the night progresses. Well if it does I can throw Percacet at it now.
I stopped by the liquor store on my way home to buy her reisling wine. I got two bottles along with a gallon of milk and an ice cream drumstick for me. I'm not hungry for the ice cream but I have it for dessert later if I want it.
She was in bed asleep when I returned home, typically. I put away the groceries and sat out on the balcony to decompress from gym. It was after this that I made dinner. She woke up while I was eating and called out for me. I went in and greeted her with a smile as I always do. I got her some more wine and refilled her water glass. I received a lukewarm thank you for this. I sat a little while with her before excusing myself to come into the living room. And so that's where I am now.
I am so alone. I live my life alone without anyone to share it with. I get up, I get a cup of coffee and listen to music. Then I leave for analysis on Monday and Wednesday mornings. I have gym in the afternoon on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Sundays. I kill time before gym and after analysis with art. Sometimes I just sit around listening to music. I guess that's what I'll do tonight. I'm kind of depressed myself. I suppose some of her's has rubbed off on me. Whatever.
I wonder sometimes why I am in a relationship with her to begin with. This ongoing depression she has must be due to something other than chemical. She's been taking her Lexapro. She does show signs of life now and again. I cling to these. Am I needy? I don't think so. I just miss her liveliness and her engagement in our apartment and our life. But that just isn't happening and there seems to be no end in sight. So I am left alone like a bachelor. I now know that I can live alone. I don't need a partner. I don't have a partner. Why not just get her out of here and live alone? I'm doing that now anyway.
I'm going to listen to music now. I don't feel like doing artwork.
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