Letter to My Wife's Daughter and Mother

[The names have been changed. Doris is my wife's mother and Lana is her daughter.]

Dear Doris and Lana,

I would like to dispel this myth that I am going to leave my wife in March.

I think the general reasoning is that in March I will pay her $18,000 credit debt and thereby have no reason to keep her because the apartment will be mine. That's absurd.

To begin with, if I wanted to dump her she would already be gone and all of the hassle this has caused me would be a thing of the past. I don't need to spend a nickel, much less than $18,000, to accomplish that.

Everyone seems to have forgotten this: After she and I concluded that we could not afford both a new kitchen and all of the other remodeling we decided to settle for wood floors. I didn't have the credit or cash available to pay for them by myself. I had spent my cash on Lana's legal costs and her other expenditures. But she had the credit we needed. So the two of us decided that she would go into debt to pay for the floors and other remodeling costs. We agreed together at that time to pay off this debt when I got my tax refund in early 2012.

All of the remodeling has been done. All we need to do now is wait for my tax refund to finish our plan. That's what we are doing now. Waiting. I am not planning to leave my wife. We are simply waiting for the tax refund as we planned all along. That's it.

I've been through medication hell with her from the first day we met. I've seen her go through the agony of trying different medications that didn't help her. I finally suggested that she try Lexapro. She did and that very successfully addressed her depression. I was deeply skeptical about her desire to leave Lexapro because of weight gain issues. It wasn't worth the risk in my opinion but I went along with the show. What a mistake that turned out to be.

Once again in the throes of depression her judgment went out the window. She concocted all sorts of bizarre ideas. Her insecurity about life in general became full-blown paranoia. She became furious. She unleashed this not only on me but also on both of you, in case you've forgotten. This madness culminated in her coming to the mistaken and ludicrous idea that I was going to leave her in March after I had, “Paid her off.”

She had been heaping abuse on me throughout the remodeling process. I figured this was due to the change in medication and then to being on no medication at all. The remodeling process itself caused a lot of wear and tear on our nerves and that didn't help matters. I have been very loving, caring and patient with her throughout all of this. That didn't change once the apartment was in order.

Now on to the business of the terrible blowup we had on the night of Wednesday the 21^st of September.

As I mentioned, I was taking a beating from her for quite some time. That night seemed to be yet another bad night. It didn't seem like anything else to me at first. But then she began spewing obscene vitriol of a sort I've never heard coming from her in the past. Never in my life, even going as far back to my teenage youth, has anyone ever treated me so badly. I got hurt. Plain and simple.

She would like us all to believe that she simply had a nervous breakdown and should not be held accountable for her actions at the time. She would like us to think that I wasn't there when she needed me. I don't believe that she had a nervous breakdown. As always, I was indeed there willing and desperate to help her. I believe she simply went over the top. She says that she doesn't remember any of this. I believe that might very well be the case. The questions I have are, why do you think I failed her? Why have you bought into all of her crazed ravings about this? You know her better than I do. You knew she was having medication issues.

If she had experienced a nervous breakdown she certainly came back pretty damn sober from it that same night. During her absence I was worried sick about her. I had tried to hug her and reassure her and love her during her rampage. I begged her not to go. She stormed out anyway. I tried calling her but she hung up. It was actually after she came home that I got hurt. Because it was then I realized that she hadn't had a nervous breakdown. I thought that the hate she spewed at me was genuine. I thought that she didn't love me anymore. I was heartbroken.

I took me about two days to get over it and with faith in our relationship remember that the lack of medication was at the heart of the matter. It wasn't easy. Writing this letter stirs up memories of that horrible night. I wish I didn't have to write this. But you leave me no choice.

Lana, you're not helping matters by telling my wife that it was OK for her to lose her temper with me because you lost yours during your labor with your son. I wasn't there at the time but I don't remember her speaking of it in appalling terms afterwords. I'm sure I would have heard about it—She and I don't keep secrets from one another. You have no right to tell her that it's OK for her to have treated me so poorly. You weren't here at the time. But I think I know you well enough to guess that had you been here you would have been shocked.

Doris, I'm guessing that you think I did not give enough love to her and that's what led to our big blowup. Maybe you think that I haven't loved her enough since. You're wrong if you think these things. I have always loved her and have always been at her side through thick and thin. I would think that after having lived with both of us in such tight quarters for nearly a year you would have observed how much I love and cherish her.

Maybe you both think that I have not been loving enough or caring enough or something not enough since our big confrontation happened. I have not left her side. Even that night I was there for her despite my hurt feelings. I have been at her side ever since.

Before you all get too comfortable being back-seat drivers to my relationship please keep this in mind: I have been on the front lines throughout all of this. Everything you hear is from a person in deep emotional distress. You need to take it with a gigantic grain of salt. My voice seems to have gotten lost or ignored.

My wife is back on Lexapro and showing improvement. We have patched up our relationship. I expect it to be stronger than ever because of this hardship we endured together.

I'm not your husband, Doris. I'm not your husband, Lana. I'm not my wife's ex-husband. I refuse to be the living embodiment of all that has disappointed you in men. I am a loving and caring man. That's my nature. Please keep that in mind for the next time you decide to judge me.

Thank you.