I went to see my Endocrinologist today.
But first a few words about her. She was in her depressing funk again this morning. I told her that I had started a group on meetup.com and that I was enthusiastic that already 14 people have joined in three days. She smiled and said that was great. But I could tell from the look in her eyes that I would be hearing more about it later.
Sure enough. I went in later this morning to check up on her. She had tears in her eyes and that sad self-pitying look on her face. She said I was moving on with my life and she wasn't (true enough) and that our relationship was breaking up. I asked her if this had anything to do with meetup.com. I told her that I was trying to make new friends for us. That it might be nice to have more people at a party here besides our relatives. I explained that although my group is San Francisco MUNI Riders we will not only enjoy riding on MUNI but also make some new friendships. I asked her if she wanted to come along on our scheduled ride and she replied no.
We went through the usuall phony baloney. She wasn't sure if she wanted to move in or not. Apparently the fact that all of her stuff is here points to her having already moved in escaped her. I made my usual talk about how we were both were having trouble calling this apartment home. I reminded her that we had talked about this before. That it was still a process and not a clear cut event. In the middle of all this, or at the beginning--I don't remember--she tearfully asked me if meetup.com was a dating service. What bullshit! I assured her that it is not and that I was not posting to any dating services. I went into detail about what meetup.com is all about. It was all I could do to keep my temper and be patient with her.
I was working from 5:30AM this morning on a piece of art in the studio. I managed to get the design completed and transferred to the canvas. Unfortunately I also transferred a lot of smears. I was busy erasing them when I ruined the base coat of paint. I've tried to engage her about my art but the response has always been lukewarm. It's always about her. And so it was this morning. Somewhere along the line (it's all a blur to me now) I relaxed and made ready to go to my endocrinology appointment.
This was the second time I met with my endocrinologist. I have this pain beneath my left nipple that makes it very sensitive. In addition to this my breasts are enlarged. I have exhausted all explanations for it with my General practitioner, my psychiatrist and a breast surgeon. None of these people have been able to explain my condition. I was finally referred to this endocrinologist who I met with about a month ago. He talked with me, examined me and ordered blood tests.
He called me on the phone about a week later to discuss the results with me. He said that my condition was "ideosymptomatic." I asked him what that meant and he told me, "It means we don't know what it is." He said that he was considering putting me on an estrogen hormone of some sort (I forget the name now.) He wanted to talk to me further about this at our upcoming appointment. I had heard from my regular doctor that he had talked with the endocrinologist on the phone and the latter had suggested that perhaps the swelling and pain were due to cirrhosis. My doctor had dissuaded him from this. As mentioned I had already made an appointment with the endocrinologist for today and so matters were left for the time being.
As I prepared to leave she gave me some halfhearted advice on what to talk about and suggested I take a notepad. She knows as I do that I no longer need to be her patient. Judging from the lost puppy look in her eyes she probably wanted me to cancel the appointment and stay home with her, instead. No way. Not only is this important for my health but I also needed to get away from her. I'm a little frazzled today. This business of holing up in our bedroom doing nothing but watching television is really grating on my nerves today.
I am within walking distance to the endocrinologist's office. I left here at 2:30 for my 3:00 appointment. After the usual pleasantries at the front desk I was led into a room where my blood pressure and my weight were taken. Interestingly enough, the technician asked me to remove my shoes, cell phone and wallet before weighing me. I came in at 155 pounds. This is a little scary. I can't keep dropping weight so precipitously. But I guess my shoes, cell phone and wallet weigh something close to 4 pounds because when Tess weighed me I was 159. After this initial intake I was let to the doctor's office where I waited for Dr. Yang (not his real name).
He went over the blood test results again and we chatted about what was causing my condition. He told me that cirrhosis was a possible explanation but my blood panel showed nothing outstanding for my liver. I could have told him that and besides I already new that my regular doctor had dismissed this. Then he mentioned my psychiatric medication. Apparently Geodon has the very rare side effect of causing breast enlargement in men. He showed this to me using rxlist.com which I have already researched. He asked me who my psychiatrist was and told me that he planned to contact him about alternates to Geodon.
I almost laughed. This condition started while I was on Fanapt and continued when I switched to Geodon. I told him that my psychiatrist had already dismissed Geodon as the cause because the problem I have is extremely unlikely to present itself in only one breast. I told the endocrinologist that alternatives to Geodon were probably not available for me because I have already tried them all. I mentioned that Geodon is a state-of-the-art medication which isn't even in generic form yet. I told him that I was very dubious about switching from Geodon to some other medication.
Dr. Yang took this in stride, I'll give him credit for that. I felt better. He went on to add that the condition could also be caused by a brain tumor in the part of the brain that regulates estrogen. I felt worse. I don't like the prospect of a brain tumor. I was no doubt visibly shocked. He said it could be my thyroid. This mystified me. He assured me that further blood tests could be taken to narrow down the cause of my condition. He ordered these. I obediently left to make a follow-up appointment for a month from now and go get my blood drawn.
I'm scared about all of this. I reported what had happened to her and she told me to avoid the hormone therapy because I was a smoker. She likes to pretend that she has some sort of medical expertise and she trotted this out when all I really needed was acknowledgement of my fear. It's all that is on her radar. She simply doesn't care about me. It's all about her. I am supposed to be impressed by her vast depth of medical expertise and shut up and listen. She is not a partner in the sense of sharing one's fears.
Anyway, after plowing through the miasma of depression with which she has filled the apartment I decided to skip working on my art. I finished painting the kitchen cabinet doors, instead. I asked her if she wanted dinner but she replied in that "I'm so sick" self-pity way of hers that she wasn't hungry. I saw her eat a bunch of ice cream, however. I ate dinner alone and took my medication with it. Now I am wring in my diary. I guess I'll sit on the balcony and think about stuff.
This has been my day so far.
But first a few words about her. She was in her depressing funk again this morning. I told her that I had started a group on meetup.com and that I was enthusiastic that already 14 people have joined in three days. She smiled and said that was great. But I could tell from the look in her eyes that I would be hearing more about it later.
Sure enough. I went in later this morning to check up on her. She had tears in her eyes and that sad self-pitying look on her face. She said I was moving on with my life and she wasn't (true enough) and that our relationship was breaking up. I asked her if this had anything to do with meetup.com. I told her that I was trying to make new friends for us. That it might be nice to have more people at a party here besides our relatives. I explained that although my group is San Francisco MUNI Riders we will not only enjoy riding on MUNI but also make some new friendships. I asked her if she wanted to come along on our scheduled ride and she replied no.
We went through the usuall phony baloney. She wasn't sure if she wanted to move in or not. Apparently the fact that all of her stuff is here points to her having already moved in escaped her. I made my usual talk about how we were both were having trouble calling this apartment home. I reminded her that we had talked about this before. That it was still a process and not a clear cut event. In the middle of all this, or at the beginning--I don't remember--she tearfully asked me if meetup.com was a dating service. What bullshit! I assured her that it is not and that I was not posting to any dating services. I went into detail about what meetup.com is all about. It was all I could do to keep my temper and be patient with her.
I was working from 5:30AM this morning on a piece of art in the studio. I managed to get the design completed and transferred to the canvas. Unfortunately I also transferred a lot of smears. I was busy erasing them when I ruined the base coat of paint. I've tried to engage her about my art but the response has always been lukewarm. It's always about her. And so it was this morning. Somewhere along the line (it's all a blur to me now) I relaxed and made ready to go to my endocrinology appointment.
This was the second time I met with my endocrinologist. I have this pain beneath my left nipple that makes it very sensitive. In addition to this my breasts are enlarged. I have exhausted all explanations for it with my General practitioner, my psychiatrist and a breast surgeon. None of these people have been able to explain my condition. I was finally referred to this endocrinologist who I met with about a month ago. He talked with me, examined me and ordered blood tests.
He called me on the phone about a week later to discuss the results with me. He said that my condition was "ideosymptomatic." I asked him what that meant and he told me, "It means we don't know what it is." He said that he was considering putting me on an estrogen hormone of some sort (I forget the name now.) He wanted to talk to me further about this at our upcoming appointment. I had heard from my regular doctor that he had talked with the endocrinologist on the phone and the latter had suggested that perhaps the swelling and pain were due to cirrhosis. My doctor had dissuaded him from this. As mentioned I had already made an appointment with the endocrinologist for today and so matters were left for the time being.
As I prepared to leave she gave me some halfhearted advice on what to talk about and suggested I take a notepad. She knows as I do that I no longer need to be her patient. Judging from the lost puppy look in her eyes she probably wanted me to cancel the appointment and stay home with her, instead. No way. Not only is this important for my health but I also needed to get away from her. I'm a little frazzled today. This business of holing up in our bedroom doing nothing but watching television is really grating on my nerves today.
I am within walking distance to the endocrinologist's office. I left here at 2:30 for my 3:00 appointment. After the usual pleasantries at the front desk I was led into a room where my blood pressure and my weight were taken. Interestingly enough, the technician asked me to remove my shoes, cell phone and wallet before weighing me. I came in at 155 pounds. This is a little scary. I can't keep dropping weight so precipitously. But I guess my shoes, cell phone and wallet weigh something close to 4 pounds because when Tess weighed me I was 159. After this initial intake I was let to the doctor's office where I waited for Dr. Yang (not his real name).
He went over the blood test results again and we chatted about what was causing my condition. He told me that cirrhosis was a possible explanation but my blood panel showed nothing outstanding for my liver. I could have told him that and besides I already new that my regular doctor had dismissed this. Then he mentioned my psychiatric medication. Apparently Geodon has the very rare side effect of causing breast enlargement in men. He showed this to me using rxlist.com which I have already researched. He asked me who my psychiatrist was and told me that he planned to contact him about alternates to Geodon.
I almost laughed. This condition started while I was on Fanapt and continued when I switched to Geodon. I told him that my psychiatrist had already dismissed Geodon as the cause because the problem I have is extremely unlikely to present itself in only one breast. I told the endocrinologist that alternatives to Geodon were probably not available for me because I have already tried them all. I mentioned that Geodon is a state-of-the-art medication which isn't even in generic form yet. I told him that I was very dubious about switching from Geodon to some other medication.
Dr. Yang took this in stride, I'll give him credit for that. I felt better. He went on to add that the condition could also be caused by a brain tumor in the part of the brain that regulates estrogen. I felt worse. I don't like the prospect of a brain tumor. I was no doubt visibly shocked. He said it could be my thyroid. This mystified me. He assured me that further blood tests could be taken to narrow down the cause of my condition. He ordered these. I obediently left to make a follow-up appointment for a month from now and go get my blood drawn.
I'm scared about all of this. I reported what had happened to her and she told me to avoid the hormone therapy because I was a smoker. She likes to pretend that she has some sort of medical expertise and she trotted this out when all I really needed was acknowledgement of my fear. It's all that is on her radar. She simply doesn't care about me. It's all about her. I am supposed to be impressed by her vast depth of medical expertise and shut up and listen. She is not a partner in the sense of sharing one's fears.
Anyway, after plowing through the miasma of depression with which she has filled the apartment I decided to skip working on my art. I finished painting the kitchen cabinet doors, instead. I asked her if she wanted dinner but she replied in that "I'm so sick" self-pity way of hers that she wasn't hungry. I saw her eat a bunch of ice cream, however. I ate dinner alone and took my medication with it. Now I am wring in my diary. I guess I'll sit on the balcony and think about stuff.
This has been my day so far.
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