I just got back from my analysis session. Towards the end I admitted to having an eating disorder.
My analyst thinks that coffee consumption and smoking may be responsible, at least in part, for my disorder. Both are appetite suppressants. She also thinks that cigarettes affect my taste buds so that food tastes less appetizing. I think she may have something of a point. I think the problem is a little more complex than that, however.
I've almost always worn a size 34 pants most of my adult life. At times this has increased a little. I found that with some minor dieting I could bring my size back down to a 34. Similarly my weight has fluctuated but I've almost always hovered between 165 and 170. The ability to control these measurements was relatively easy for me during my young adult life.
When I first went on Hepatitis treatment my weight and size dropped precipitously. I ate more during this therapy to keep my weight up around 160 and my pants size no smaller than 32 inches. I was worried about my weight loss and did not want to shrink into nothing. So I ate rich meals and snacked a lot.
I've gone through a cornucopia of medicines to treat my bipolar and psychosis. The second time I went on Hepatitis treatment I was on Lithium to treat my bipolar but did not take anything else for my psychosis. As a result the psychotropic side effect of Interferon caused a psychotic break during which I tried to commit suicide and subsequently went in a psychiatric care facility on a 5150. The treatment was part of a clinical study and after my psychiatric sojourn I was released from the study. I hadn't had time on it to lose weight.
After all of this happened I met with both my therapist and psychiatrist together to determine what I could take to address my psychosis. My therapist suggested Zyprexa. I was dubious because I knew that a side effect of Zyprexa is weight gain. I was a size 34 and my weight was about 165 at the time. They both recommended Zyprexa and I went along with their recommendation. My therapist encouraged me to eat right and not over eat to counteract the possible weight gain.
To begin with Zyprexa didn't help me very much. I still had bipolar manic experiences and a psychotic break. Adding to that was a precipitous weight gain. I ballooned up to about 190 and a size 36 pants which I could hardly fit into. My self esteem took a nose dive.
I got a new psychiatrist shortly afterwards who took Medicare which became my new health insurance. He put me on Fanapt which had no weight gain issues. It was supposed to help with my bipolar as well as my psychosis. It proved effective in both cases. Unfortunately it muddled my mind. I was on Fanapt for quite some time until he switched me to Geodon. The latter cleared my mind and that is what I take now. I still have unpredictable mania and a psychotic break while on it. But I guess that's to be expected. No drug exists yet which is totally effective against the two disorders. My weight gain was still with me as well as poor self esteem.
I suddenly decided to do something about this. I stopped eating sugars, saturated fats and carbohydrates. I quit drinking. I decided to join a gym, too. I don't remember exactly when I made these decisions but I think it was around February of 2011. I started shedding pounds from both diet and exercise. I began at almost 190 pounds and an almost impossible ability to squeeze myself into a size 36 pants. I now weigh 160 and wear a size 32 pants. This took about nine months. My self-esteem is very high now and I look and feel a lot better than I ever have in my later adult life.
I am now in the strange position of needing to eat more than I did while dieting. This is necessary in order for me to maintain the strength I need for gym and to stay healthy in general. But I cannot seem to break my dietary habits. In fact my obsession with losing weight created a situation in which I eat almost nothing. My stomach has shrunk along with my appetite. I can easily go for an entire day or more without eating at all.
I don't think my appetite loss is simply due to the stimulant effect of coffee and cigarettes. I don't think my loss of appetite is due to a loss of taste from smoking. I have always drunk coffee and smoked for 40 years. I have experienced weight gain and loss during that time. I still think that food tastes good when I eat. Something else is at work here.
I'm not certain that I have an aversion to eating. I am simply not hungry. I think I programmed myself during my weight loss regimen to only eat when I was hungry, avoid snacks and stick to my food restrictions. My analyst, psychiatrist and even my gym trainer have all expressed concern about my eating habits now. Or rather about my shrinking weight. I loss seven pounds in September which is unusual to say the least. I cannot go on this way or I will shrink down to a skeleton. I will find myself clutching my Clipper pass and unable to rise to catch the bus when it comes.
I must eat at least 500 calories at an evening meal when I take my evening medication. Geodon only works when 500 calories have been consumed at dinner. Given my habits the Geodon is only 17% effective. This means I am prone to a psychotic break. Mania attacks have become frequent, too. I must eat even if I don't want to. So I have been forcing myself to eat a meal that contains 500 calories for dinner. It's not easy.
I am not always successful. I eat a meal for dinner every night but I am sure that not all of them contain 500 calories. I can barely get through a meal. I don't like it. I feel resentful that my medication requires it. I feel like I can do without eating and take my chances with only 17% effectiveness of Geodon. I don't care anymore. I am resentful that my analyst consistently inquires after my eating habits. I know she means well but it bothers me. I fear I may have lost my temper with her about the topic.
Where does this resentment come from? I think it is due in part from a wish to deal with my disorder on my own. Maybe it's due to an inability to understand it myself and to admit that I have a disorder. Maybe it's because I eat pizza now and again and don't get "credit" for it.
I don't shop for groceries well anymore. I buy almond milk and protein drinks. I nourish myself with a shake made from these ingredients that also contains concentrated protein powder (and Metamucil). I think I have fooled myself into thinking this is enough. It was enough when I was dieting. I buy some other food for myself, for example flour tortillas that I dip into salsa. I buy canned chili and hash. I've bought Amy's frozen pizza. But I am too lazy to prepare anything, even if all it means is opening a can of food or placing a pizza in the oven.
I certainly feel a lot less guilty when I order a latte with whole milk. But this I do rarely. I still order one prepared with non-fat milk most of the time. Again my natural instinct is to avoid fatty foods and drinks.
So I what have we got here? A fear of gaining weight. A programmed aversion to eating certain foods. A shrunken stomach that makes it more difficult to eat. Laziness about preparing food for myself. And to top it off a resentment to listening to others express concern about my eating habits.
How am I going to re-invent my dietary habits? I must acknowledge that my aversion to food must come to an end. I must bite the bullet and prepare myself food even when I don't want to. I must eat food rich enough in calories so that I can become full without feeling as though I have gorged myself. I must cast off my resentment towards those who care for me. I must admit to myself that I have an eating disorder.
It's time to bite the bullet again. This time in an opposite direction from when I went on my weight-loss regimen. There's just no escaping this otherwise. I must eat.
My analyst thinks that coffee consumption and smoking may be responsible, at least in part, for my disorder. Both are appetite suppressants. She also thinks that cigarettes affect my taste buds so that food tastes less appetizing. I think she may have something of a point. I think the problem is a little more complex than that, however.
I've almost always worn a size 34 pants most of my adult life. At times this has increased a little. I found that with some minor dieting I could bring my size back down to a 34. Similarly my weight has fluctuated but I've almost always hovered between 165 and 170. The ability to control these measurements was relatively easy for me during my young adult life.
When I first went on Hepatitis treatment my weight and size dropped precipitously. I ate more during this therapy to keep my weight up around 160 and my pants size no smaller than 32 inches. I was worried about my weight loss and did not want to shrink into nothing. So I ate rich meals and snacked a lot.
I've gone through a cornucopia of medicines to treat my bipolar and psychosis. The second time I went on Hepatitis treatment I was on Lithium to treat my bipolar but did not take anything else for my psychosis. As a result the psychotropic side effect of Interferon caused a psychotic break during which I tried to commit suicide and subsequently went in a psychiatric care facility on a 5150. The treatment was part of a clinical study and after my psychiatric sojourn I was released from the study. I hadn't had time on it to lose weight.
After all of this happened I met with both my therapist and psychiatrist together to determine what I could take to address my psychosis. My therapist suggested Zyprexa. I was dubious because I knew that a side effect of Zyprexa is weight gain. I was a size 34 and my weight was about 165 at the time. They both recommended Zyprexa and I went along with their recommendation. My therapist encouraged me to eat right and not over eat to counteract the possible weight gain.
To begin with Zyprexa didn't help me very much. I still had bipolar manic experiences and a psychotic break. Adding to that was a precipitous weight gain. I ballooned up to about 190 and a size 36 pants which I could hardly fit into. My self esteem took a nose dive.
I got a new psychiatrist shortly afterwards who took Medicare which became my new health insurance. He put me on Fanapt which had no weight gain issues. It was supposed to help with my bipolar as well as my psychosis. It proved effective in both cases. Unfortunately it muddled my mind. I was on Fanapt for quite some time until he switched me to Geodon. The latter cleared my mind and that is what I take now. I still have unpredictable mania and a psychotic break while on it. But I guess that's to be expected. No drug exists yet which is totally effective against the two disorders. My weight gain was still with me as well as poor self esteem.
I suddenly decided to do something about this. I stopped eating sugars, saturated fats and carbohydrates. I quit drinking. I decided to join a gym, too. I don't remember exactly when I made these decisions but I think it was around February of 2011. I started shedding pounds from both diet and exercise. I began at almost 190 pounds and an almost impossible ability to squeeze myself into a size 36 pants. I now weigh 160 and wear a size 32 pants. This took about nine months. My self-esteem is very high now and I look and feel a lot better than I ever have in my later adult life.
I am now in the strange position of needing to eat more than I did while dieting. This is necessary in order for me to maintain the strength I need for gym and to stay healthy in general. But I cannot seem to break my dietary habits. In fact my obsession with losing weight created a situation in which I eat almost nothing. My stomach has shrunk along with my appetite. I can easily go for an entire day or more without eating at all.
I don't think my appetite loss is simply due to the stimulant effect of coffee and cigarettes. I don't think my loss of appetite is due to a loss of taste from smoking. I have always drunk coffee and smoked for 40 years. I have experienced weight gain and loss during that time. I still think that food tastes good when I eat. Something else is at work here.
I'm not certain that I have an aversion to eating. I am simply not hungry. I think I programmed myself during my weight loss regimen to only eat when I was hungry, avoid snacks and stick to my food restrictions. My analyst, psychiatrist and even my gym trainer have all expressed concern about my eating habits now. Or rather about my shrinking weight. I loss seven pounds in September which is unusual to say the least. I cannot go on this way or I will shrink down to a skeleton. I will find myself clutching my Clipper pass and unable to rise to catch the bus when it comes.
I must eat at least 500 calories at an evening meal when I take my evening medication. Geodon only works when 500 calories have been consumed at dinner. Given my habits the Geodon is only 17% effective. This means I am prone to a psychotic break. Mania attacks have become frequent, too. I must eat even if I don't want to. So I have been forcing myself to eat a meal that contains 500 calories for dinner. It's not easy.
I am not always successful. I eat a meal for dinner every night but I am sure that not all of them contain 500 calories. I can barely get through a meal. I don't like it. I feel resentful that my medication requires it. I feel like I can do without eating and take my chances with only 17% effectiveness of Geodon. I don't care anymore. I am resentful that my analyst consistently inquires after my eating habits. I know she means well but it bothers me. I fear I may have lost my temper with her about the topic.
Where does this resentment come from? I think it is due in part from a wish to deal with my disorder on my own. Maybe it's due to an inability to understand it myself and to admit that I have a disorder. Maybe it's because I eat pizza now and again and don't get "credit" for it.
I don't shop for groceries well anymore. I buy almond milk and protein drinks. I nourish myself with a shake made from these ingredients that also contains concentrated protein powder (and Metamucil). I think I have fooled myself into thinking this is enough. It was enough when I was dieting. I buy some other food for myself, for example flour tortillas that I dip into salsa. I buy canned chili and hash. I've bought Amy's frozen pizza. But I am too lazy to prepare anything, even if all it means is opening a can of food or placing a pizza in the oven.
I certainly feel a lot less guilty when I order a latte with whole milk. But this I do rarely. I still order one prepared with non-fat milk most of the time. Again my natural instinct is to avoid fatty foods and drinks.
So I what have we got here? A fear of gaining weight. A programmed aversion to eating certain foods. A shrunken stomach that makes it more difficult to eat. Laziness about preparing food for myself. And to top it off a resentment to listening to others express concern about my eating habits.
How am I going to re-invent my dietary habits? I must acknowledge that my aversion to food must come to an end. I must bite the bullet and prepare myself food even when I don't want to. I must eat food rich enough in calories so that I can become full without feeling as though I have gorged myself. I must cast off my resentment towards those who care for me. I must admit to myself that I have an eating disorder.
It's time to bite the bullet again. This time in an opposite direction from when I went on my weight-loss regimen. There's just no escaping this otherwise. I must eat.
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