I woke up at 5:00AM this morning very groggy from the Trazodone I take at night to fall asleep. I turned on the coffee with the notion that I would stay up and start working on my art at 6:00AM. I fortunately dismissed that idea and returned to bed to wake up much more refreshed later at 8:00AM.
This is the way of it with me. I know that I need to develop a better, possibly more excruciating, work ethic when it comes to my art. To begin with, I need to ramp up my portfolio with acrylic on canvas paintings so that I have something more conventional to submit to art shows. I probably want to get an agent and I'll need something for them, too. I want to get six paintings done before all of this. I feel a bit of anxiety of getting it all done.
I'm working on my second painting now and I am still worried that it will come out to something worthwhile. I'll have a better notion when I have reached the halfway point. It consists of little squares more or less radiating out from off-center. The colors of the squares are in pastels and start with a light hue that gradually deepens as the squares approach the edges of the canvas. It's all on a nondescript pink background which will need to be touched up after the squares are colored in.
I want to do something bold like apply a gold twine across the painting near one of its edges. This is radical. Maybe too radical. It will be done, if at all, after all of the paint has been applied. So I still have loads of time to think about it.
The work is detailed and painstaking. No pun intended but it also causes me a lot of physical pain. My back is very sore as I write this and I just set down the brushes a half hour ago. I'll put in another ring of colored squares after I get back from gym this afternoon. By the time I get done with that, at around 8:00PM I guess, my back will be killing me in tow places. My chronic lower back pain will act up as usual. But the relatively recent (and for which there is no diagnosis) pain in the middle of my back will be no doubt excruciating. I'll end up taking a Vicodin for my lower back if that's all that is plaguing me or a Percacet if my middle back is acting up.
All of these narcotics are dangerous. I used them for recreational purposes last Saturday and that was not, in retrospect, a very good idea. I could easily get hooked on them. For that matter, just taking them for pain could make me an addict. It's already too easy to run to the Vicodin and/or Percacet bottle in the evening when I feel even a little pain in my back. I've got to start relying on Ibuprofen more.
I'm already thinking about my next piece. I need to turn on my creative juices and keep them turned on if I am going to achieve my goal of six paintings in a short period. I'm thinking of some sort of tornado motif coming in from the middle-left of the top, bending slightly to the right, and then moving back to center as the twister contracts. On the left side of the painting will be a gold paper-maché lightening bolt coming down from the sky and terminating at the ground. The painting will be done in hues of brown, probably with dark pastels. I haven't thought that far ahead yet.
She just woke up from a nap while I've been sitting here. She's getting better now. She did the laundry yesterday and we ran some errands. We ate dinner together which she prepared from frozen Indian cuisine. Things are looking up. She tried sketching some artwork this morning but I think her creativity is still somewhat stifled from her recent sickness.
* * * * * * * * * *
I've been back from gym for an hour now and have cooled down from the cycling I almost didn't finish. I still can't get through two sets of 200 pound leg presses as I used to be able to do. I can't explain it. I think I may be weakening my body or sapping its strength from too much dieting. My smoking has increased but not measurably since several weeks ago when this problem started. I think it is probably the dieting.
I still have an aversion to eating. I can't seem to get over this. I just took my medication for the evening without any food. I just couldn't bring myself to prepare something to eat. All I've had today for sustenance is an Isagenix shake. I just know that I'm probably going to bed without a meal in me. I have therapy tomorrow and I don't know how I'm going to deal with my analyst about this. I can hear her voice echoing in my ears already.
My wife was supposed to have dinner waiting for me at 7:00PM, an hour after I had returned from gym. But I found her in bed sleeping instead. I guess she's still depressed. She was up earlier and seemed to be in high spirits but I suppose that she just petered out. It's a disappointment like so many I've had with her over the last several weeks since her supposed nervous breakdown. I need so much patience and it just drains away my own energy. I am caught up in this miasma of depression and lethargy that permeates the apartment.
I know I should be working on my art but I'm just too tired to do so. I may be able to muster the energy yet.
This is the way of it with me. I know that I need to develop a better, possibly more excruciating, work ethic when it comes to my art. To begin with, I need to ramp up my portfolio with acrylic on canvas paintings so that I have something more conventional to submit to art shows. I probably want to get an agent and I'll need something for them, too. I want to get six paintings done before all of this. I feel a bit of anxiety of getting it all done.
I'm working on my second painting now and I am still worried that it will come out to something worthwhile. I'll have a better notion when I have reached the halfway point. It consists of little squares more or less radiating out from off-center. The colors of the squares are in pastels and start with a light hue that gradually deepens as the squares approach the edges of the canvas. It's all on a nondescript pink background which will need to be touched up after the squares are colored in.
I want to do something bold like apply a gold twine across the painting near one of its edges. This is radical. Maybe too radical. It will be done, if at all, after all of the paint has been applied. So I still have loads of time to think about it.
The work is detailed and painstaking. No pun intended but it also causes me a lot of physical pain. My back is very sore as I write this and I just set down the brushes a half hour ago. I'll put in another ring of colored squares after I get back from gym this afternoon. By the time I get done with that, at around 8:00PM I guess, my back will be killing me in tow places. My chronic lower back pain will act up as usual. But the relatively recent (and for which there is no diagnosis) pain in the middle of my back will be no doubt excruciating. I'll end up taking a Vicodin for my lower back if that's all that is plaguing me or a Percacet if my middle back is acting up.
All of these narcotics are dangerous. I used them for recreational purposes last Saturday and that was not, in retrospect, a very good idea. I could easily get hooked on them. For that matter, just taking them for pain could make me an addict. It's already too easy to run to the Vicodin and/or Percacet bottle in the evening when I feel even a little pain in my back. I've got to start relying on Ibuprofen more.
I'm already thinking about my next piece. I need to turn on my creative juices and keep them turned on if I am going to achieve my goal of six paintings in a short period. I'm thinking of some sort of tornado motif coming in from the middle-left of the top, bending slightly to the right, and then moving back to center as the twister contracts. On the left side of the painting will be a gold paper-maché lightening bolt coming down from the sky and terminating at the ground. The painting will be done in hues of brown, probably with dark pastels. I haven't thought that far ahead yet.
She just woke up from a nap while I've been sitting here. She's getting better now. She did the laundry yesterday and we ran some errands. We ate dinner together which she prepared from frozen Indian cuisine. Things are looking up. She tried sketching some artwork this morning but I think her creativity is still somewhat stifled from her recent sickness.
* * * * * * * * * *
I've been back from gym for an hour now and have cooled down from the cycling I almost didn't finish. I still can't get through two sets of 200 pound leg presses as I used to be able to do. I can't explain it. I think I may be weakening my body or sapping its strength from too much dieting. My smoking has increased but not measurably since several weeks ago when this problem started. I think it is probably the dieting.
I still have an aversion to eating. I can't seem to get over this. I just took my medication for the evening without any food. I just couldn't bring myself to prepare something to eat. All I've had today for sustenance is an Isagenix shake. I just know that I'm probably going to bed without a meal in me. I have therapy tomorrow and I don't know how I'm going to deal with my analyst about this. I can hear her voice echoing in my ears already.
My wife was supposed to have dinner waiting for me at 7:00PM, an hour after I had returned from gym. But I found her in bed sleeping instead. I guess she's still depressed. She was up earlier and seemed to be in high spirits but I suppose that she just petered out. It's a disappointment like so many I've had with her over the last several weeks since her supposed nervous breakdown. I need so much patience and it just drains away my own energy. I am caught up in this miasma of depression and lethargy that permeates the apartment.
I know I should be working on my art but I'm just too tired to do so. I may be able to muster the energy yet.
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