It's mind-numbing. I feel like I cannot leave my apartment. I don't want to go anywhere. I just want to blog and release my feelings.
We recently moved into a new apartment. My psychiatrist tells me that moving is a very stressful experience, right up there with getting a promotion, a death in the family, and so forth. It certainly has been stressful for me. It's like a combination of a tornado and fear. I am afraid. I am afraid of change. I am afraid of setting up yet another home after so many failures.
The apartment is taking shape and in the parts which have been unpacked and decorated are very beautiful. But will it work out? Will her mood swings break us up? Will my fears and bouts of psychosis break our relationship? What will happen to me if it does?
I never know which person I will wake up to in the morning. Will she be happy and cheerful? Will she be depressed and wallowing in self-pity? Will she be mean and hateful? The uncertainty is horrifying. I wake up naturally from a good night's rest and feel good about myself until I remember her.
I love her but in all honesty that love is being sorely tested. If I cannot get a grip on myself the loss of our love that may occur. I feel it is imminent at all times.
I quake with fear. I am afraid of her when we should be sharing in the joy of setting up our new home. The sad fact is that there is no joy here for me. Only boring work. No joy. Just the absence of conflict. That is what I look forward to. No conflict. That is my good day.
She is mad because I do not take my medicine with 500 calories of food as prescribed. I have an eating disorder to begin with and I am so tied up in knots that eating anything at all is a chore. She wants to get down, roll up her sleeves, and address the problem. My medicine is ineffective unless taken with 500 calories of food. Not eating makes it only 18% effective. I am on the edge. I am now continually bordering on psychosis and am suffering from terrible paranoia. She wants this to go away and forces her strategy upon me.
I don't know what to do. I am taking my Neurontin as usual which is supposed to help with the paranoia but it does not seem to be working.
What to do? What to do? I am loathe to "keep a chart" of my moods as she demands. It seems like a waste of time and an enormous hassle. She wants me to chart my psychosis on a scale of one to ten, one being no psychosis and ten being very psychotic. If only psychosis worked that way. Ditto for my bipolar depressions and manic episodes. She does not seem to understand that this will never work for me. She is disappointed and angry that I do not take "direct action" to "solve" my problems. I guess I will have to do something to appease her.
I have become such a wimp. I am jerked around by her moods like a puppet. I was alone with the man we hired to assemble our furniture. He intimated that I was a wimp. It was embarrassing because he is right. He has seen her abuse me. She has no qualms about harassing me in front of the people we hire to work for us. She makes it clear that she is in charge. My suggestions and input are ridiculed. The answer is always "No". What was the question?
I'm frightened of being embarrassed in front of other people. She now does this in public. I have called her on it but she responds that I am "OCD". She scorns my embarrassment. She says it's all in my head.
She was never this way with me before. Her mood swings due to the new medication she is taking and the stress of moving can explain some of this behavior. But much of it began before we moved. What has happened to our relationship?
I am scared of these things. These events. The ridicule. I am frozen in time and my own thoughts. I have retreated and she knows this and is angry about it.
I have nowhere to go.
We recently moved into a new apartment. My psychiatrist tells me that moving is a very stressful experience, right up there with getting a promotion, a death in the family, and so forth. It certainly has been stressful for me. It's like a combination of a tornado and fear. I am afraid. I am afraid of change. I am afraid of setting up yet another home after so many failures.
The apartment is taking shape and in the parts which have been unpacked and decorated are very beautiful. But will it work out? Will her mood swings break us up? Will my fears and bouts of psychosis break our relationship? What will happen to me if it does?
I never know which person I will wake up to in the morning. Will she be happy and cheerful? Will she be depressed and wallowing in self-pity? Will she be mean and hateful? The uncertainty is horrifying. I wake up naturally from a good night's rest and feel good about myself until I remember her.
I love her but in all honesty that love is being sorely tested. If I cannot get a grip on myself the loss of our love that may occur. I feel it is imminent at all times.
I quake with fear. I am afraid of her when we should be sharing in the joy of setting up our new home. The sad fact is that there is no joy here for me. Only boring work. No joy. Just the absence of conflict. That is what I look forward to. No conflict. That is my good day.
She is mad because I do not take my medicine with 500 calories of food as prescribed. I have an eating disorder to begin with and I am so tied up in knots that eating anything at all is a chore. She wants to get down, roll up her sleeves, and address the problem. My medicine is ineffective unless taken with 500 calories of food. Not eating makes it only 18% effective. I am on the edge. I am now continually bordering on psychosis and am suffering from terrible paranoia. She wants this to go away and forces her strategy upon me.
I don't know what to do. I am taking my Neurontin as usual which is supposed to help with the paranoia but it does not seem to be working.
What to do? What to do? I am loathe to "keep a chart" of my moods as she demands. It seems like a waste of time and an enormous hassle. She wants me to chart my psychosis on a scale of one to ten, one being no psychosis and ten being very psychotic. If only psychosis worked that way. Ditto for my bipolar depressions and manic episodes. She does not seem to understand that this will never work for me. She is disappointed and angry that I do not take "direct action" to "solve" my problems. I guess I will have to do something to appease her.
I have become such a wimp. I am jerked around by her moods like a puppet. I was alone with the man we hired to assemble our furniture. He intimated that I was a wimp. It was embarrassing because he is right. He has seen her abuse me. She has no qualms about harassing me in front of the people we hire to work for us. She makes it clear that she is in charge. My suggestions and input are ridiculed. The answer is always "No". What was the question?
I'm frightened of being embarrassed in front of other people. She now does this in public. I have called her on it but she responds that I am "OCD". She scorns my embarrassment. She says it's all in my head.
She was never this way with me before. Her mood swings due to the new medication she is taking and the stress of moving can explain some of this behavior. But much of it began before we moved. What has happened to our relationship?
I am scared of these things. These events. The ridicule. I am frozen in time and my own thoughts. I have retreated and she knows this and is angry about it.
I have nowhere to go.
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